princesses and suckerpunches

i had lunch with a sweet little princess today. it was her birthday. she didn't know i was coming and she was SO HAPPY to see me. she wanted me to stay longer than i could and she didn't want to let go of me. it was - hands down - my favorite thing that happened today.

then came the suckerpunch. it was a one-two kinda punch. the one being me and the two being you. unintentional? completely. painful? yes. sorry felt like trying to put a fingertip band-aid on a broken elbow. you forgave me and showed me so much grace. but i couldn't receive it. and it still smarts. where i punched us. and i'm still sorry. but sometime, i need to believe what you've given me because there's no going back. only forward. and you know my heart better than anyone. and you trust it. so there.

i'm meeting another princess tomorrow. she knows i'm coming and she's already SO HAPPY to see me. she'll want me to stay as long as i can and she won't let go of me. it will be - hands down - my favorite thing that happens tomorrow. but i wish it were happening today.

the winter has passed

i've been trying to write about this for awhile, but i haven't been able to find the right words. it seems appropriate that on this, the first day of spring 2012, the words are forming themselves. finally. at long last...

spring came today. *sigh*

it is one of my favorite seasons...especially here.

mostly equal parts sunshine and rain.

the rainbow of blossoms bursting from the ground & opening along the branches.

so beautiful.

i could spend hours lying on a blanket under the shade of a tree...taking in the kaleidoscope of browns, blues, & greens.

delicious.

and yet, while often heart-stopping in their beauty, these things are not what i love most about spring. what i love most is that it marks the end of winter.

my "winter" began april 29th & ended exactly 4 months later. i was not well. God knew it and so did my dearest friends. i reached a breaking point and the Father asked me a question that i know i only said yes to because i was so desperate to be free. had i known that saying yes would bring so much pain, i might not have done it. He gave me a small picture of what it would be like on the other side and i said yes because i knew i could trust Him no matter what. can i just tell you how important that trust became? my heart was smashed and shattered into a thousand shards of glass and suddenly that picture became an "impossibility." but for His grace, i never would have made it through those 4 months. i would have given up. i would have quit. i would have run away. His kindness was unending. His love unrelenting and the women who walked through that space with me were greater gifts than they'll ever know. slowly, He began piecing my heart back together, fusing each shard perfectly into place. and then, just like the first crocus breaking through the snow, love broke through. my heart...well. my hope...restored. i would never want to go through a season like that again, but remember the picture He gave me before i said yes? well, i am living in it...only it is a thousand times more beautiful and amazing than what He showed me. isn't that just like Him? to do more than we can ask or think. He can't help Himself. He just loves me so much. and He keeps surprising me with more beauty that i didn't even ask for. just because He can. i love that.

so much goodness. i found myself ridiculously grateful for spring today.

winter has passed and everything is new. i am new.

nothing looks exactly the same as it did before. i don't look the same.

life is different. my life is different.

and it is unbelievably good.

looking back

i often think that i am incredibly spoiled.

mostly because i am.

i am 5 days away from the one year anniversary of one of the most significant events in my life.

my heart is more alive than it has ever been.

because He came for me.

and He continues to come for me.

a year ago, i had no idea what was about to happen.

that i was about to have an amazing encounter with my lover.

to hear and see and feel and understand for the first time

what it really meant to be in love. to be loved so deeply and to love so deeply.

and He knew exactly when to show Himself to me.

when i needed to meet His gaze and be completely undone by the intimate love He has for me. it was there that i knew i could trust Him. that no matter what He asked me to do, i would say yes. every single time. i had no idea what He would ask of me, but i knew there was never going to be a "no" on my lips. that encounter changed my life. and the sweetest part? it was just the beginning.