bragging on my dad

i've been a daddy's girl pretty much my whole life. he's amazing. and he loves me all the time. he is a loving husband and father. a man of integrity and influence. MY DAD. today was his last day of a 40-year career with the government. a couple weeks ago, he was honored with a distinguished service award in washington d.c. MY DAD. the executive director of the Federal Highways Administration wrote an incredible letter honoring my dad's "40 years of exceptional Federal service." did i mention it will take 2 people to do the job my dad was doing before he retired? yes two. MY DAD. we threw him a surprise party last night and he was so honored. i love that. he has never been prideful or arrogant. he has always done his best and worked with honor and integrity. he was surprised that so many people would come to honor him, but i am so glad they did. he deserves it. and now, MY DAD, deserves a little vacation. i hugged him goodbye and told him how much i loved him and how proud i was. what a legacy he has left. and you know what he said? well punkin', i love you and i'm so proud of you too. yep. that's my dad. :)

not wealthy, but so very rich

if all i ever had was the deep, unending and ridiculously extravagant love of the Father...it would be enough.

yet i have so much more. "lagniappe" as my friend calls it.

i wish everyone could know the riches in love that i do.

to be surrounded by people who love me so well.

it is deep...high...long...wide...and fierce.

His love for me expressed in human form...over and over again. what beautiful gifts He gives.

if you could see inside

"break my heart for what breaks Yours..." ~ from Hosanna by Hillsong United

sometimes my heart feels so fragile...like the thinnest glass...one little jolt and it all comes crashing down. my heart is broken. but i am well. how is that even possible? somewhere in these past several months i moved from a place of being broken to a place of being well in the midst of brokenness. part of being fully myself has been about learning to carry the compassion and love of the Father without being crushed by it's immensity. grasping the length and depth and breadth of His heart for me and learning to give it away. i was made for many things. one of them, like the lyric, is to have a heart that is broken for the things that break His heart. i can tell you, with absolute certainty, my heart is in that place. and the beautiful thing is while my heart feels deeply the grief of a Father, i understand that it is not meant to be a burden. and the moment i begin to feel burdened by it, i feel Him lean against me and carefully pull the weight of it back onto His shoulders. He shares it with me because He trusts me to give away love and compassion in the midst of chaos...and there is so much grace for me in this season to do exactly that. i don't do it perfectly every time...especially if i'm emotionally strung out or my eyes are not fixed only on His. but make no mistake, it is my honor to walk this road. it is my delight and my joy to give away even a fraction of what has been given to me. and to be there on the other side, when redemption comes for the broken? that is what i'm most excited about. every time.

not the same

often times a personal transformation is more evident to an outside observer than it is to the one who is being changed. this has almost always been the case for me. in every aspect of my life. i recently came through the most challenging season of my life. it was my own personal hell, actually. it lasted a thousand days longer than i thought it should have. it was more painful than i could have imagined. and it was the farthest thing from "my favorite" that you can get. as a daughter of a good, faithful, and incredibly kind Father, i knew He would keep me safe and i knew i could trust Him. but it was still the hardest thing i'd ever done. and even in trusting He was with me, i never could have imagined the beauty that was coming. the redemption. along the way, people told me how they could see a difference in me. "can't you see it? don't you feel it?" to which i replied "yes" with great uncertainty. i wanted to believe i was changing, that all of this hell somehow had a purpose beyond what my limited understanding was telling me. but i could not. it was as if i didn't dare hope that i was really changing.

then, slowly, as if time no longer mattered, the lover of my soul lifted the veil from my eyes and i could finally see and believe and trust that i really was becoming someone different. someone healthy. someone free. and the pain. and the thousands of tears. were instantly worth it. i would not wish to go through a hell like that again, not ever. but i had a new understanding that i was not the same. and when someone would say, "can you see it? don't you feel it?" i could reply with the most certain "Yes" i've ever spoken and then smile wider than i've ever smiled. because it was true. i've spent more than two months with this new understanding and i keep catching myself being ridiculously grateful for it. all of it. for so many reasons.

i was hit with gratitude again tonight, as i sat on a couch with my head back and tears streaming down my face. and i had a revelation. something i hadn't really thought much about before that moment. i really am my real self. i'm not hiding behind masks anymore. i'm not hiding behind fear. i'm not hiding behind rejection. i am standing with the strong arms of my lover wrapped tightly, securely around me. and my heart is toward Him. and with each breath, i am walking out the truth of who i really am. a relationally healthy, deeply passionate, extravagantly generous, tenacious, compassionate lover of God whose heart is ever expanding with love for His people. a worshiper whose praise moves the heart of the Father bringing healing and wholeness as people encounter His presence. a beautiful daughter filled with His Spirit and carrying His authority.

this me. the real me. she can stay.

i disagree

"everything happens for a reason"

"it's all part of God's plan"

no. no. no. can i just tell you? no.

these are statements i have struggled with for most of my adult life...which i suppose is much shorter than i realize sometimes, but that's not the point. what about the mother who just miscarried her baby? the girl who was just trafficked for the second time? the husband who's wife suddenly died, leaving him to care for their children on his own? the village ripped apart by a natural disaster or crushed by an evil dictator?

some things happen for no reason. they are sad. and senseless. and definitely not part of God's plan. we won't...no, we can't understand them, they just are. they are not fair things or happy things and it's okay for me to say that out loud. but then what? while i don't believe it's God's plan for horrible things to happen to us because God wants to teach us a lesson, i believe that in His sovereign and redemptive mercy, He makes a way for things to be less horrible than they could have been. it is true that He knows everything that will happen in my life. from my past to my future, it has been written. but because He is the author, He gets to make edits and changes and surprises along the way. He can walk with me through a difficult season, teaching me and giving me tools along the way that will be of great help the next time a difficulty comes. He will redeem it all and He will make all things, even the sad, horrible, tragic things work together for my good. He didn't cause them, but He can fix them. i believe Him. i trust Him. i trust His heart. and He will come...in fact, He already has.

do you love me?

what is it to love? to really deeply love?

it is not: having every answer, giving great advice, or solving another's crisis

it is: constant faith for another, being steadfast in a storm, being unafraid of tears, walking alongside and sometimes carrying another to the Father as many times as it takes, being comfortable with silence, trusting the Father for what is yet seen, and laying down your life because you believe they are worth it.

my heart is so heavy these days. the burdens of the ones i love feel like a thousand pounds of shattered dreams. it used to be this weight was too much for me to carry. i was so easily crushed by the brokenness of others because i was suffocating under the weight of my own. from the depths of my soul, i have learned to love. to give it. to receive it. so, while the weight of their pain is great, and my heart aches for them, i am not drowning anymore. in my freedom, i remain steadfast. i have faith for them. tears for them. and i trust the Father and His heart for them. i will walk alongside and i will carry them as long as it takes. and i am not afraid. i have great hope and i will continue believing, because i know redemption is coming. and i know it will be good.

insomnia?

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would spend hours watching movies or tv.

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would eat.

it used to be.

over the course of the past seven months or so, i haven't been sleeping well. or as much as i would like to. or even as much as i feel like my body needs. i love sleeping. really, i do. but you know what's amazing? i'm surviving without it. i dare say i'm thriving. what's the difference? for me, when i wake up in the middle of the night - thinking i've slept all night and then realizing i've only slept for 2 hours - my eyes and my heart are almost immediately turned to Him. i usually ask Him why i'm awake. sometimes whatever dream i just woke from takes me immediately to intercession. sometimes i tell Him i love Him and roll over and go back to sleep. sometimes i cry. sometimes i pray. sometimes i worship. sometimes i read. sometimes i think. but i don't eat. and i don't spend hours watching movies or tv. even during normal hours of the day - the non-sleeping ones - these habits have changed. i have changed. i'm not eating all the time or making unhealthy food choices. i'm not watching hours upon hours of whatever on the internet. i love that in the midst of my sleep deprivation, i am still moving forward in health. i love even MORE that my gaze is toward Him, that my heart burns every single time He says my name, and that not even sleep - or the lack of it - can keep me from His heart.

what do you mean?

tenacious: holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold; persistent; holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough.

i wasn't really sure what this word meant until august 28, 2011. it was written in a perfectly timed e-mail. i realized that i had spent most of my life making assumptions about it's meaning and given the weight of the message, i desperately needed to know what it meant. if you have tenacious friends in your life, you understand what an incredible gift they are. this is how i feel. i am deeply grateful for the tenacious and furious love of those who have walked beside me. those who have grieved with me, cheered for me, and believed for me when hope was distant. and this one friend could not have known how desperately i needed to read those words that day...or how the complete understanding of what they meant went straight into my heart and i could finally see truth for the first time in months. truth that was always present, but veiled by my own brokenness. the grace and kindness of the Father in giving me this friend...the redemption of so many broken relationships...is far greater and runs so much deeper than i can say. and tenacious? she definitely is. He is. and i am becoming.

to be loved

.for He loves each one of us as though there were only one to love. ~ hannah hurnard

i cannot tell you how many times in the last three weeks i have felt His great love for me. i am not the only person on the planet, but the way He has cared for me lately has made me feel like i am. the beautiful thing about it is that He cares for each of us with as much kindness, gentleness, and extravagant grace as we can imagine. and He keeps doing it. for me. for you. for all.

if all He did was love me, that would be enough. but He does so much more. when i am angry, He lets me beat my fists against His chest. when i am sad, He lets me bury my head in His chest and cry for as long as i need to. and all the while, He is smiling at me and loving me to pieces. and when i say yes to whatever it is He's asking of me, His smile gets bigger and His love bursts out in greater measure. and that's when the extra special surprises happen. supernatural peace. a word of hope. supernatural joy. a promise. supernatural provision. and sometimes it's the thing i most wanted at a time i least expected it. today was one of those days.

i am learning to be grateful for the things He does instead of worrying or wishing for the things He has not. saying "thank you" for the way things are. hoping, sometimes asking them to change, but moving forward in thanksgiving for what i can see right in front of me. then BAM! out of nowhere He gives me what i have been asking for. i was holding onto hope for it, but i was not expecting it. in fact, my initial reaction was shock...which quickly dissolved into sobs of a deeply grateful heart. He has not forgotten me. He sees me. He loves me. and i am His favorite.

so many lyrics

maybe because worship is what i was made for...maybe because of the season i'm in...maybe a little of both. i find myself overwhelmed by the hope and truth in the songs i've been hearing. the sounds of heaven, the words of the Father, breathing into my brokenness and filling every space with love.

below is a collage of lyrics that are speaking deeply to me as i walk through the darkness, led and held by the hand of a kind, gentle, and gracious Father.

**these songs can be found on grooveshark**

there will be no one like You, and no one beside You.

You alone are worthy of all praise.

~ i will exalt (bethel live's be lifted high)

it's rising, it's rising, a song of hope from us set free, it's rising

it's rising, it's rising up. hallelujah, to you God of the redeemed.

~ God of the redeemed (bethel live's be lifted high)

we have gathered, with one thirst and hunger

we're here to drink of Your glory and wonder

here to cry out, come and fill this place.

we wait for You to come and show Your glory here today.

we wait for You! Hallelujah come!

~ one thirst (bethel live's be lifted high)

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

~ one thing remains (bethel live's be lifted high)

His love is deep, His love is wide and it covers us.

His love is fierce, His love is strong it is furious.

His love is sweet, His love is wild and it's waking hearts to life.

~ furious (bethel live's be lifted high)

we're falling into deeper waters, calling out to You.

we're walking into deeper waters, going after You.

~ deep cries out (bethel live's be lifted high)

my hope is in You God

i am steadfast, i will not be moved

i'm anchored, never shaken

my hope is in You.

~ hope's anthem (bethel live's be lifted high)

with everything, with everything

we will shout for Your glory

with everything, with everything

we will shout forth Your praise

woah

~ with everything (hillsong)

holy are You God, holy is Your Name

with everything i've got

my heart will sing, how i love You.

~ beautiful exchange (hillsong)

** these songs can be found on iTunes**

don't leave your joy behind, no matter what you find.

~ don't leave your joy (chloe leavers)

fiercely goes the night, i will fear no thing.

i'll kneel down before the King.

i will make it through the woods and i will make it home.

even though there are many voices whispering in the night

even though this darkest darkness tries to steal my light

i will make it home, holding onto Your hand.

~ rhoist i'n oleuni (chloe leavers)

You really do take care of me.

You take off my heavy boots and You wear them for me.

~ heavy boots (chloe leavers)

Jesus, i belong to You

take my life, all my days

with open hands, i come to You

in my life, have Your way.

~ Jesus reign (josh fox)

the heavens declare the glory of the Lord

and we will proclaim 'forever we are Yours'

mighty is our God.

the heavens declare the glory of Your Name

and we will rejoice forever we will sing

mighty is our God.

~ mighty is our God (josh fox)

all things new

hope and love change everything.

somewhere

somewhere in all of this, you see me.

somewhere in all of this, you love me

but my heart is torn

and i don't understand

why such brokenness is part of your plan.

it burns so deep

i feel desperate to run

but somewhere in all of this, i know you are not done.

your healing is coming.

it's coming now.

you promised me freedom

though i can't see the "how"

you remain faithful

and relentless with love

you call out my name

and whisper "look up"

your patient hands hold me

while mine beat your chest

and in the deep space of brokenness

you come with sweet rest

i know i can trust you

though my heart is afraid

but somewhere in all of this, i know you are safe.

and so i step forward

with trembling feet

hoping that in the depths

our faces will meet.

that you'll bring complete healing

to all of my wounds

restoring my soul

making all things new

i break off the lies

and all of the fear

and ask that your voice

be all that i hear.

i am desperate for freedom

restoration and life

and somewhere in all of this, i know they are mine.

.found.

have you seen Him?

my lover

so kind

so gentle

so good

my heart burns within me

unrelenting passion

for the one i love

more sweet

more beautiful

more safe

than i could ever imagine

my love swells from the depths of my soul

bursting

gushing

exploding out of my chest

and to think His love for me

is deeper

wider

longer

and higher

wrecks me

over

and over

and over again.

mathematical impossibilities

one of my best friends is a mathematical genius. seriously. and i am not. but just for fun, i want to tell you about mathematical impossibilities. if you look at the numbers, my expenses exceed my income by nearly $250 every month. if you look at the numbers, it is mathematically impossible for me to pay my bills every month...and i can forget about doing anything extra. that's even with government assistance for food and a deferment on my school loans. all the math says it's impossible.

do you want to know something amazing? every month, i pay my bills. on time. once in awhile i do a small something extra. there is always enough. sometimes more than enough. do you know why? because nearly 18 months ago i said YES. God asked me to quit teaching full time and to trust Him to take care of me if i left the security of full-time employment (with benefits). He has never failed me. He gave me a job and then two. He gave me a place to live and then another. He has provided. that's amazing.

there are moments when i hear: it would have been so much easier if you'd stayed in the classroom. and sometimesi believe that lie. sometimes...like when i'm staring down a nearly $3100 tax bill...i question why i ever left. and in His grace, the Father reminds me why i did. because He asked me to. the truth is, i would do anything for Him. this past year and a half has been one of the most emotionally and spiritually challenging seasons in my life. i cannot think of another time where i have been so broken. but i would not trade it for anything. do you know why? because for the first time in my whole life i am FREE. completely free to be who i was made to be and to live the life i was created for. my freedom is everything. it is worth every tear. it is worth every heartache. it is worth every failure. saying YES was one of the scariest moments, but He has never let go and He keeps coming for me. it is so so good.