i can finally breathe again

"There comes a moment each day when we must simply drop what weighs on us and hand it over to God." - Christoph Blumhardt (19th Century Pastor)

Today is one of those times. These past couple of weeks I have simly been "gettng by." It's not really in my nature to be sad or blue or maybe the word is melancholy and honestly, I have SO much to be thankful for. Even with my mom's cancer I have seen God's faithfulness. She's feeling good and God is providing for my parents...and yet, there is a sadness that I feel. I can't pinpoint the source...but I've been sitting here in the brickhouse for the past couple of hours and I've been tapping into THE SOURCE. Reading different passages of scripture and trying to unload all that I've been feeling. Thank goodness my relationship with Jesus isn't based on feelings because my feelings would say I'm not doing very well...but whenever people have asked me how I'm doing...I've been saying that I'm good...which I am...I love teaching, I have a place to live, I just got back from spending Thanksgiving with my awesome sister and her amazing husband...so what's the deal? Why the sadness...blue-ness...unsettled feeling? I was at a wedding yesterday, watching two people that I love begin a new and beautiful season as husband and wife. I LOVE weddings...especially when God wrote the story...and even then, when there is so much to be joyful about, I was feeling kind of off...maybe it was just being tired from my stupid-early (that's really early for those who don't like the word stupid) flight back from Oregon...but there is a restlessness inside of me that I cannot explain. Today in our worship gathering I could barely sing...ME...for whom singing is one of my greatest joys and most favorite ways to worship Jesus...I was nearly silent...and oh the tears that wouldn't stop. God was meeting me in those moments...reminding me that the joys, struggles, and hurts over these past months have all had purpose in teaching me to trust Jesus more than ever and in making me realize that I really am weak without His strength. Right now, in this moment, I feel hopeful that as I drop the things that weigh so heavily on me...God will take them. We sang a song this morning - okay, well I didn't really sing it, but I was screaming it inside my head and my heart.

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for finding me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for healing me
Thank you for saving me

God, thank you that you love, find, hear, heal, and save me every day...even when I feel like the world is spinning way to fast and I want to get off the ride. You are good, your love endures forever, and I will put my hope in you.

are you kidding?

that's how i feel today. how is it that God allows me to be a part of something so AMAZING? what did i ever do to deserve the blessings He pours out on me? seriously, i can't even begin to fathom the love He has for me, but i am SO thankful. the reason for this gushing of my heart? i got to sing with two fox's, a box, and a gem. i have to say that there is pretty much nothing on earth that brings me more joy than singing with those guys. helping create a space for people to experience Jesus through music is my most favorite way to worship Him. i am humbled that God has given music to me as a tool to minister to others and i pray that i NEVER take it for granted and that i NEVER forget that it is NOT ABOUT ME. i am thankful that God chose me, a filthy sinner, because i made myself available. i didn't have to do anything but open myself up to being used by Him. if you know me, you know that my heart burns with passion for music ministry and every month, i get the opportunity to share that passion with some of the most gifted musicians i've ever known...not to mention some really Godly men...and all i can say is i feel totally unworthy, but seriously blessed. thank you JESUS that you let me worship you like that.

i thought it was monday

I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking it was Monday and I was late for work. It was not the best way to start my day and I pretty much had a bummer of a day after that. I didn't do my bible study this morning - always a bad thing, in my experience - and even though I saw some fabulous friends at church and got to spend time worshipping with other people who love the heck out of Jesus...I still had a bad day. Don't you hate that? It wasn't even like one big thing happened...just a lot of little things that sort of picked away at my already fragile heart and my overstimulated brain and POOF! I was a mess. I went for a walk and got to talk to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that I should just go home and spend some time with Jesus. Did I do it? No. I came home and wasted about 2 & 1/2 hours watching t.v. and only about 1/2 hour of it was worthwhile (caught the last 1/2 hour of extreme makeover home edition...LOVE IT!). I was going to go to bed at 10:30ish and remembered I hadn't followed my mom's advice. So, I decided to do my bible study and you know what...my day would have been much different if I had done that earlier. My mom is so smart...I should listen to her all the time. Now it's really late...nearly midnight...and I have 20 1st graders who need me to get my rest. Days like today are definitely not my favorite but they remind me why I need Jesus so much. I'm a wreck without Him.

how am I?

I've had some people e-mail me recently and ask how I am. I don't really know how to answer the question. Everyone who has asked me, has been someone who has prayed for me and is currently praying for my family as we navigate the unknowns of my mom's colon cancer. So, how I am? I'm fine. I feel like my life is a bit surreal right now, but I'm fine. Sometimes it's scary, but knowing that God is completely in control and there is nothing I can do but pray and trust Him, helps me not be so scared. I have been blessed with an amazing relationship with my parents and I love them so much...but that's part of what makes this process easier for me. I know that my mom knows that I love her a thousand times more than I can explain...and I know that she loves me that much too. The other part that makes it easier is my FAITH. I don't know how people who don't know Jesus deal with crisis...I would be lost without Him, and I feel that way under normal circumstances. So, how am I really? I'm good. I'm blessed. I'm thankful for all I've been given and I won't waste this time being worried. I want to use the time I've been giving to be all God has made me to be...yep. I'm good. :)

what i don't quite get

I'm going through a study right now - Beth Moore's, Believing God - and there's something that's been puzzling me of late. One of the things she talked about a couple weeks back was the idea of transgression vs. sin. What I love about this study is that Beth always gives the original definitions...the Greek or the Hebrew...which help me to understand what these words mean. I mean, wouldn't you think that transgression and sin meant the same thing? What I learned is that the word transgression generally means sin that is pre-meditated and willful. In other words, sinning on purpose just because I want to. Sin, on the other hand, is generally referring to sin in general and usually what is not done with a rebellious spirit. So here's where I'm puzzled...
Psalm 32:5 - Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
How crazy is it that my sins...even the ones that are pre-meditated and willfully done...are covered by the blood of Christ? I cannot understand how God has the patience or the heart for that. It boggles my mind that God would love me enough to willingly forgive me when I confess everything to Him...especially when He knows I'm going to do it again. Unbelievable...and yet what an amazing gift I've been given. I get to choose daily to walk a blameless life. Not perfect, just making the choice to stay away from pre-meditated sin. I'm going to sin, but I don't have to plan out how I'm going to do it...and if I make the choice to sin "because I want to" I'm thankful that God will forgive me when I truly acknowledge that sin and don't try to hide it from Him. And yet, sometimes I wonder, how many times will He forgive me before He decides He's had enough. I pray I never get to that point.

material girl?

So, I've been having some recent wonderings. Money has been a hot topic lately, perhaps because I'm working really hard at paying off my debt, and I think I'm just sort of processing some things I've heard recently. "I was working in a job that payed very little, wondering if the grass was really greener on the other side, and it was." I find that I am completely baffled by this comment, maybe more so because it came from another believer. I really get confused and frustrated by comments like these because I can't understand how people who are already blessed with so much (because we live in a country where we are free to openly worship God) are so desperate for more. Of course, when I say more, I don't mean more of God. As a culture, we're clearly not desperate for Him. We're desperate for more stuff...probably because we think it will satisfy the space in our lives that was meant for Jesus, but I digress. I fall into it too and it's something that I've been asking God to change in me. My perspective is so much different than it used to be. I don't want more money so I can get stuff for myself...I want more money so I can help more people. I have seen, read, and heard - from friends who've been there - about so much injustice, suffering, & poverty in the world, that all I want to do is help those people and yet I sit in my house, on my really cozy bed, with more clothes than I would ever wear and a laptop computer that I bought last year when my desktop conked out. I'm not saying that it's bad to have stuff, I'm just really tired of how incredibly materialistic our culture has become...me included...and I think that it's good to re-evaluate where our money is going and to really try to put things into perspective. I mean, we can't take any of that STUFF with us, but investing in lives...investing in relationships...those are treasures worth pursuing.

joining the "masses"

I am so often amazed at all that God has done in my life and I love sharing that with other people. I have LOTS of funny stories to share from my classroom...1st graders are a SO fun! That's the reason for this blog. I feel kinda like I've jumped on the blogging bandwagon, but I'm strangely okay with being part of the blogging craze. Maybe it's because I've always felt more freedom expressing myself on paper...or in this case, in cyberspace...because I can't be interrupted. I can say everything I'm thinking and you have to listen...or read, I guess. You can't comment until you've read ALL of it...and I like that. If only conversations were more like that...less commenting, more listening...yeah. So, this is the first of what I hope will be regular postings about my life, my crazy job, and how God is driving everything that I do. ENJOY :)