this has been a frustrating couple of days. too many people trying to tell me what to do...how to live...i said i was willing to do whatever needed to be done. and now that the decisions have been made, i realize how much i shouldn't have said that...but it's the way i am. i say i'll do whatever needs to be done - because on some level i really want to help people out - and then when i realize what needs to be done isn't what i want - which i sometimes don't realize until it becomes what i must do - i'm stuck doing it anyway. then i wonder...what about what i want? does that even matter? grrrr.

i am so restless it isn't even funny. i want to go...but i don't know where...and i don't know how...but i want to go. and then everyone with their opinions about how i should wait because "what would you do instead?" or "but you're so good at that" and i hear their voices getting louder and louder. as the opinions swell inside my head, i feel overwhelmed and all i want is to hear HIS voice and be unafraid to move forward...and without the fear of being rejected when i go. i'm ready for change. something new...and if this is my something new, i have once again failed at being completely willing and i need an attitude adjustment. i keep thinking there's a transition ahead. a big one. like something life-changing is about to happen...but maybe this is it. it doesn't seem that big to me, except that it's different than what i've done before...but it's still the same place and doing the same thing which is why it doesn't feel life-changing. i'm so confused.

Jesus, help. Make my heart chase after your dreams and open my eyes to see what I may just be missing because I've wanted my own dreams for so long. I know you love me. I know your plans are good. I want to recognize them and be excited about them, even if they look different that what I wanted.