must...have...water

these last couple of weeks have reminded me of one of the reasons i did not like living in san jose. heat. i don't like it. at all. granted, san jose heat was nothing compared to redding which is nothing compared to arizona - um...ew - but being here in this 100+ degree heat has once again reminded me why i love home. sure, the rain gets old after awhile. sure, i'd like it to be sunny and 70 pretty much year-round. but seriously, this heat is ridiculous. i was watching the news tonight and almost jumped for joy when they said tomorrow would be a cool 95. 95?!!?! since when is that COOL? well, bring it on. 95 degrees, i welcome you with open arms...a fan...and a fully functioning air conditioner in my car! :)

confrontation

scary word. at least for me. i always think it means something bad. today i was reminded why it can be GOOD. confrontation doesn't have to be angry or hateful. it really can be as simple as checking in to make sure everyone is on the same page. relationships are more important to me than i can explain, and as a result, I've become more confrontational over the last couple of years. there comes a point where i always realize i need to say something...and it's usually after i sense there is something wrong. today was one of those days. i've been sitting on it for a week. this yucky icky feeling that everything wasn't okay. i'm never sure how to approach situations like these because i don't want to stir up drama. i'm also never really sure what to say. i think i might spend too much time overthinking what to say, instead of just being like, "hey, is everything okay? did i do something to offend you?" a couple of months ago i heard this incredible message about offense and it has really stuck with me because i don't want to be a person who is easily offended. let's face it. i'm a pretty sensitive gal. i used to think it was a flaw in my character...but what i realize is that my sensitivity is one of the things that makes me who i am. it's part of the reason i'm so compassionate. so...what it comes down to is that i have to get over myself and my fears and confront when i think it's necessary. so i did it. i walked up and politely asked if we could talk. i tried in the most careful way to talk through how i was feeling and it was received really well. in fact, it turns out we both were thinking the same thing about the other person. we both were under the impression that the other person was brushing us off...needed their space...and that we had somehow offended them. the funny thing is...neither of us had been offended and neither one of us was angry or needed space. i had to work hard not to laugh about the whole situation because i could see how ridiculous and how clearly the enemy had twisted our actions and our thoughts around to make us believe exactly the opposite of how we actually felt. and then it hit me. relationship is one of the ways the enemy tries to get at me. today a wall came crashing down and i am SO glad! it's just more confirmation to me that i have to guard my relationships closely and not be afraid to be who i am...and that sometimes, that means having the hard conversations - confronting in love - and asking for God's grace to bring restoration. today was a good day! :)

if you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at me :)

sometimes i just have to laugh at my own insanity. most of the time, i'm pretty cool. i think that even though i'm a kid at heart, i definitely act like a grown up...most of the time. and then, just when you least expect it...BAM! i am seriously the biggest weirdo on the planet. tonight after the last session - which was really awesome, by the way - kayla and i decided to go grab a quick bite at In-N-Out. i actually had eaten there at dinner time, but since it was now nearly 11pm, I was definitely hungry again...and i LOVE those grilled cheese sandwiches ;). so...i'm waiting for my food while kayla orders and i look over and see the speaker from this week's conference sitting at the table with 3 other people (who i'm certain are part of Bethel's staff). i totally stared at him with my mouth wide open and then pointed at him. if that wasn't bad enough, i walked over to the table and started talking. i said, "there's something i've been wanting to say to you and i thought that if i ever got a chance, i have to tell you..." then i proceeded to tell him what i had hoped would be an encouraging word. now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, except i'm pretty sure he thought i was a freak. good thing i wasn't wearing my name-tag otherwise, he'd know that i'm not just here for the weekend! hahahaha. i haven't been that embarrassed in a while and even though i'm partly glad i said something, the other part of me is just shaking her head...laughing at her own dorkiness. :)

slaying the giants

so anyone who asks me is going to hear me say the same thing: God's presence is so completely over this place it's ridiculous. yeah. ridiculous. i love it! :) haha! it's really impossible for me to write everything that happens...i'm still processing so much of it because we get SO MUCH every day. i've only been here a week but it feels like longer. so, today was an awesome day. for real. during the morning session, Ray Hughes was talking to us about David. He was going through the story of David and Goliath and talking about what David brought to the battle. He brought a worshipping heart. God chose David because his heart was completely devoted to worshipping God and God used David to cut the head off of a giant, which then opened up doors for other people to be who they were created to be because they were no longer living in fear of this giant. a giant who had been screaming lies and hate over them for 40 days. a giant who was standing in opposition to God and God's purposes. Ray was relating the story to our lives as worshippers and how there are giants that stand in opposition to the fullfillment of God's purposes in our lives - our destiny in God. then, as a prophetic act, Ray had us stand up and picture in our minds the giants that are standing in our way...the giants we know by name because they've been screaming lies and hate over us for a season. i didn't have just one giant. i had a line of them. one behind the other and i couldn't see how far back the line went, but i saw three very clearly and their names were on their helmets. their faces were dark and angry and they looked at me as if to say, "there is no way you will take us out because if one of us falls, there are more of us behind to take the place of the fallen." next, ray had us hold up our arms as if we had a sling and we were to swing our arm around and make the sound of a sling - which, by the way 200+ people making the sound of a sling is REALLY awesome - and on the count of 3 we were to let the stone fly out of the sling. as we let go we were to give a shout while the stone implanted the heads of the giants and made them fall. i was a little afraid because the giants i was staring down were big and ugly, but i did it anyway. i don't know how many stones were actually inside my sling but it didn't matter because when the stone hit the first giant they all crumbled to the ground like an imploding building and they lay there, dead...their heads crushed and they were nothing but rubble. as the dust settled i could see an opening that i knew was my destiny. i couldn't see what it was, but i just knew i was supposed to walk into it. then, ray had everyone close their eyes and make the sound of rain. it represented the cleansing rain that was coming to wash off the dust of the slain giants so that no part of them would remain in our lives. it was such an awesome moment. at first the rain was quiet and then we just got louder and louder and there was so much freedom. i'm going to keep claiming that freedom because those giants are dead and gone and i am walking - scratch that - running straight into my destiny!! woohoo!!! :)

infinite possibilities

i should be in bed. i'm tired. sort of. but my head is spinning in about a million different directions. i got a new idea tonight and i'm praying about it. wondering if maybe it's the direction God has for me. a funny thing happens when you quit your job without knowing what's next. the possibilities seem endless. so there's lots to pray about. i'm thankful that God already knows the answer and that He will give it to me at exactly the right moment. being open to anything, i'm just going to keep pursuing Him and praying about every idea...and maybe asking Him for another burning bush ;) if you're reading...please keep praying. i need it. i can't get enough of it...and i am so thankful for it.

highlights and lessons from week 1:

* worship - amazing. anointed. after 2 days of getting in my own way...distracted by thinking too much about what's going on around me or what people might be thinking about me...He showed me that all that matters to Him is that i bring all of myself. because in those moments, where He has all of me, that's when He speaks.

* teaching - brian & jenn, bill, andrew, & jeremy. how do you process so much wisdom? and how do i keep from being too intimidated to ask questions? i finally had the courage to go up and talk to andrew after his teaching session. as i was talking to him, i realized that that's why they are all there. to impart their wisdom and to answer our questions. you know what happened? he listened. like, REALLY listened. not just to what i was saying, but also to what God was saying and then he shared it with me and then he prayed over me. i was a mess, but it was a beautiful moment.

* classes - went to band session today and gained some good stuff from how other people were being critiqued. my favorite part was the way that every word spoken was delivered in love for the purpose of building, strengthening, and encouraging each person. so good. oh, and i got a bit of one-on-one "instruction" from ian macintosh on keys. insane. he's 8 years younger than me and has such an incredible gift. i can't wait to learn more from him.

* songs - after andrew prayed for me, it was time for another main session and during the session we were making journals. our task was to take magazines and cut or tear out pictures and/or words that stood out to us in some way. kathy said that as we worked we might start to see a theme emerging in the words or the pictures or both. as i was putting the pieces together and placing them onto the notebook cover it began to take shape. then, as i was gluing them on, God brought me a song. what?!? it wasn't even the end of the second day! this morning i played it and worked out some of the lyrics and the chords. i found out that the songwriting classes are going to be times for people to share songs they've written and brian is going to critique them...tearing them apart and helping put them back together. oh my gravy! i have never been in a season of life where i would be comfortable sharing my songs so people can tear them apart. until now. jeremy was talking about that in the main session today during q & a. in answer to someone's question, jeremy said that we should be sharing the songs we're writing with a community so that we learn whether it is for us or for the corporate body...and also so that we can make changes that the songs might need that we wouldn't necessarily hear on our own. i remember thinking, "i so want to share my songs because i want them to be perfected and i want to know if they are for other people...but who can i share them with?" thanks GOD for opening a door for me to lay my songs out before people who understand worship so much better than i do and who will help me work out the kinks with grace and love. i am so excited! woot!

* friends - canada...the first friend i made is from canada and will be moving to portland to attend bible college in the fall. awesome. then, yesterday, as i was sitting on the floor eating my lunch, hannah came of and invited me to sit at their table. she has such a sweet and loving spirit. i ended up sitting at a table with girls from far away: virginia, indiana, wisconsin, singapore & australia! incredible. there was also a girl from california and one other girl who i still don't know where she's from. but they are wonderful. we played frisbee in the hot, hot, sun and today we all ate lunch together. i'll be carpooling with kayla - from wisconsin - because she needs a ride and i have a car and it turns out she's staying only about a mile from me. coincidenc? i think not. :)

* age - i seriously had no idea how young some of the Bethel crew was. i expected there would be quite a lot of young 20 somethings...but holy cow. there are kids here who are 16, 17, 18...and they are SO talented. the first day, jenn talked a lot about every person being a piece of the puzzle and that we can't disqualify ourselves for any reason because God has a purpose for each of us. i have struggled so much with that over these past three days because i keep thinking "I am so old...maybe i'm too old to be here...i can't play/sing like that." this is exactly the kind of stuff that i have to stop saying because ME is who God wants...30 years old...in love with Jesus...worshipper...me. jenn said, "be you. be real. be uncovered." i am learning how to be uncovered and to just keep being myself. it becomes easier when i turn those doubts into praise for who God has made me, how He's gifted me, and for the ways He has gifted others...because it keeps the enemy from gaining ground in my life. fear goes. self-doubt goes. and as it all gets stripped away, i step further into my destiny...and i can't wait!

first-day jitters

first day = good...stressful...tiring...and confusing. the stress was mainly caused by stuff at the apartment which is under control for the time being. the tiring and confusing parts were related to the schedules at school which were not well-planned because they're trying something new this year. great. i love being part of the "guinea pig" group ;).

so...a little known fact about me: though i'm a pretty big butterfly - in the social sense - large groups of people make me clam up like a stuffed moose. 274 worshippers all together in the same room is both amazing and intimidating all at the same time...and what i realized today is that in order to experience the presence of God the way i really want to...the way i think He wants me to...i have to get out of my own way. i was so distracted today. worried about what other people might think about me...and wanting to be fully present with Jesus the way that others seemed to be. jenn said something really important today: "the world needs you to be you. people can't be who they are completely, unless you are completely you. be you, be real, be uncovered." what i know is that i can't be who i am completely unless i learn how to just sit and soak in God's presence without being distracted by myself or others. bill asked everyone to consider the question: "are you a worshipper when noone is watching?" i'd say that i am...sometimes. what i'm here for...to learn to be a worshipper all the time...especially when noone is watching. as jenn put it - "to lean into God in every spontaneous moment where he tugs on my heart." because you know what'll happen then? i'll be in His presence and in those moments He will begin to show me more of who i am in Him and how He wants me to use my giftings for His glory...and that will be so completely amazing. that's all i want...to be in the very center of His dreams for my life.

and so it begins

this morning didn't go the way i planned. i left the house a little late and i had a couple of errands to run before leaving town. while pulling up to jamba juice my car looked somewhat lop-sided in the store window...not good. thankfully, les schwab was just around the corner so i took my car there and asked of they could check it out. the very nice lady told me it would be an hour to an hour and a half before they could get to it. begin waterworks. called my mom and she reminded me that it would all work out. 30 minutes later, i was back in the car with one last stop...which turned into two...the second stop being my sister's house for a perfectly timed goodbye hug - she was on her way back to work after feeding Elijah - and some last-minute snuggles from my sweet baby nephew...something i won't get for 3 and a half weeks. my mom was right :). finally got on the road @ 11:30. two quick stops...5 hours and 15 minutes later...i'm here...in the cottage that will be my home for the next 3 and a half weeks. it's super cute and totally perfect. i probably won't unpack until tomorrow because my neat-freak self won't put clothes in a drawer i haven't cleaned myself. or wait, is that OCD? either way, unpacking will have to wait. i still have no idea what's in store for me these next 24 days...but i believe i am exactly where i'm supposed to be and i'm getting butterflies just thinking about all that God might want to teach me.