longest run of 2009

december 27th.
1:00 pm
belmont to country club
country club to post canyon
post canyon to frankton
frankton to may
may to 7th
6 miles.
1 hour.
21 minutes.
59 seconds.
it was hard
especially when about half of the time i was running into the wind.
and it was snowing.
pretty.
cold.
but i did it. jesus did it, really. now onto this week's training. :)

just keep running...

i did it. 5 miles. 1 hour. 6 minutes. 15 seconds. it rained on me part-way through, so when i finished the 5 and started walking home, i got REALLY cold. but i didn't die. i wanted to quit. more than once. and i realized at one point that i will not be one of those people that loves running. i really am just doing this for a little girl. one whose face and name are not yet known to me, but she's in my heart. so for her...for the rogers whom i love dearly...i'll keep running...and i'll never stop being thankful that i am not running alone. HE is with me every step. HIS love is what compels me forward. most definitely.

4 down, 5 to go

yesterday marked exactly one month since i officially started training for the half. crazy. i have been running for a month? on purpose? dude. who am i?? a runner, apparently ;). anyway. it's taken me a week to respond to my last post. some blogger i am. oh well, there's only like 1 person who reads this anyway...so sarah, thought you'd like to know that i managed to run 4 miles on the treadmill last sunday. i didn't die...i dare say it felt pretty good except for the couple of times my back started to hurt. tomorrow morning i'm attempting a 5-mile loopish. loopish? well, it's not a full loop, but it's exactly 5 miles thanks to logyourrun.com where i can trace routes and stuff :). anyway, i'm a little nervous. my ankles have been bothering me the last couple of days. running hasn't been a problem, but they've been sore and tender when i'm standing or walking or just sitting down. weird. i'm praying it goes away and doesn't affect me in the morning. i'm also praying my back doesn't hurt at all. it's aches and pains like this that remind me i'm not 15 years old anymore. thankfully, jesus is running every step with me :). i'll let you know how it goes!!

so far, the running is good. i haven't frozen to death - although i ran outside the other day in the 20 something degree weather - and i've stayed injury free so far. i definitely prefer running outside rather than with Bub, but even i have limits. tomorrow morning i'm supposed to run 4 miles. something about that makes me nervous...maybe because i've never run 4 miles before...and maybe because the honest truth is that i still would much rather sleep in my warm cozy bed than drag myself out to go run 4 miles on a treadmill. but...if i don't keep running, the rogers don't get money and that is the only motivation i need. :) so goodnight...i'll let you know how the run goes!

p.s. for those who are wondering...$287 dollars has been donated :) only $2413 to go!! :)

so here's the deal. i know i'm going to have up days and down days during this whole "training for a half-marathon" business...but let me just say...I HATE THE DOWN DAYS! i was supposed to run 4 miles today. i didn't. my legs were just too tired. i wasn't having trouble breathing...which is good...and i was loving the music in my ears...but my legs were just done.

i know i should be proud of how far i DID run...and i am...but there is this nagging feeling that i am never going to be able to finish a half-marathon in 3ish months when i can't even finish 4 miles. see. i told you i hate the down days.

seems to me that someone is trying to make me give up. but i won't. because someone BIGGER and STRONGER is going to run right next to me...He may even have to carry me a little, but He's going to make sure i finish. yep. i will finish :)

so NOT a runner

"I will run...I will run this race...and I will do it all for LOVE. Your love compels me forward, your love controls my heart and I just cannot get away." ~ lyrics by Kristene Mueller

So...I'm running a half-marathon. For real. In March. Got my ticket. Got my registration. Started training. I'm really going to do this. WHAT?! yeah. crazy. Here are the details:

Race ~ Disney Princess Half-Marathon
Place ~ Walt Disney World...Orlando, FL
Date ~ March 7, 2010
Time ~ 6am...that's 3am for all of us left-coasters ;)
Reason ~ To raise money for my friends ~ The Rogers ~ who are on a waiting list to adopt a precious princess from an orphanage in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Pretty fun, right?! I'm asking for people to give me money...$500 of which I will use for my own expenses...and the rest of which will go to the Rogers before I leave for Orlando...to run 13.1 miles around DisneyWorld. :)

I'm blessed to have two awesome ladies joining me...one is an old friend from my summer at Cannon Beach Conference Center...the other is a new friend from one of my hotel jobs. We all live in different places so we won't be training together, but we've all started training and I know it's going to help me stay motivated.

There's definitely more to the story...I didn't just "get a wild hair" as my friend Sara says...but suffice it to say that God's got His hands all over this adventure and I can't wait to see what happens!

I'll be sharing more in the coming months...updating my progress from time to time...possibly complaining about the monotony of running on a treadmill...and definitely giving thanks for the treadmill as I watch the snow fall to the ground outside the gym window! :)

I went for my first run on that particular treadmill today - my 4th run since beginning last week - and all I can say is...I need to figure out how to program the darn thing so it doesn't stop after 20 minutes!! Now for some sleep :)

what it all means...

how many times have you thought about your name...and what it really means? admittedly, i hadn't thought much about it...until a couple of days ago. my dear friend alicia did a "name study" on the meanings of the names of her immediate family. i was so intrigued by it, that i decided to do a little research on my name. i loved what i found and thought i'd share it on blog world :)

René ~ reborn

Leann ~ combination of Lee and Ann ~
Lee ~ sheltered from the storm
Ann ~ gracious

Lewis ~ famous warrior

hee hee...still makes me giddy inside...just thinking about my purpose and all that God has for me. :)

restoration

so many things to write about...so little time. i sometimes wonder how uncovered i should be...but it's not really in my nature to be fake. and yet, there is a delicate balance between speaking my mind and speaking my heart. i think most people would be glad to know that the greatest percentage of the time i speak my heart. the words inside my head are not always kind and not often true. in the same way, some of the things i have believed for a long time - with my heart - may not be kind and they may not be true. it all makes me so thankful that God is here. to help. to sort out. to keep me from speaking. to move me to speak. i could do life without Him...i mean, people do it all the time...but why would i? how could i? my identity is completely wrapped up in Him and the things i believe about myself are the things i know He believes about me. i'd like to tell you the whole story, but it's long so i'll just tell you the ending...or rather the movement towards the ending, because i'm still in process :). God gave me my heart back. every piece that has fallen out along my 31 years of life. every broken relationship. every stinging word. He picks up each piece, no matter the size, and fuses it back to my heart. and each time, there isn't even a trace of where the hole once was. i have always felt love. i have always had joy. but it is so much bigger and greater. and now...i feel like i'm really stepping into my destiny.

flat on the floor

so...i've been meaning to update my blog...but i got busy...then i got sick...then i got better...then i had a massive back spasm that sent me to the ER and i ended up sleeping for like 4 days...at least, it felt like 4 days straight of sleep because of the way those drugs knocked me out. sheesh. the story isn't really worth telling except for the part where the Lord began healing my back and He blessed me with friends who called or texted to check up on me...and one dear friend who brought me lunch and dinner the first day - the day i could barely get out of bed. in the midst of all the excitement/craziness i remember thinking how frustrated and mad i was that everything was messed up. not just my own plans, but also the way my injury was completely inconveniencing people at work. even still, at the end of every day, i was reminded of God's goodness. despite whatever pain i felt, i would eventually be fine. my pain...my injury...it would all go away. i'm now sitting in the office at work and i've worked a total of 28 hours in the last 3 days and most of it has been pain free. i was recently told by someone that they had a completely different impression of how i felt about my previous job than how i actually felt about it and i realized that there must be something inside of my brain that somehow glosses over all the good stuff when i'm venting to certain people about the not-so-great stuff. i'm working on changing that...so that whenever i'm relaying information to people about my life, i'm giving a more balanced picture...maybe even tipping the scales to the more positive as much as i can...so what's the point? why did i take you on this little rabbit trail? because even when life was pretty sucky being stuck in bed and sleeping so much, there were always things to be thankful for. even when i was flat on the floor, i was thankful i could move my legs enough to push myself into the other room to get my phone to call for help. when i was laying in bed, i was thankful the sun was shining and i could look out at blue sky and green trees. when i was bummed about not being able to swim across the lake, i was thankful to be at the lake celebrating my friend swimming across. when i felt bad that i couldn't work, i was thankful there were others who could work in my place...and even more thankful that each day in bed brought be closer to working again. God is soooooo good and i'm finding the more i reflect on His goodness, the more i see the good things He's doing. i am really really spoiled and i'm pretty sure it's because i'm His favorite :)...and i bet, if you start looking for His goodness, you'll find you're His favorite too ;)

happy birthday to meeeeeeee!

today i am 31 :) most people think i'm 18. hahaha. that's fun. it has been a peaceful, restful, wonderful day filled with sweet surprises, lots of hugs (my favorite), and tons of laughter with people who are so dear to me...and some sweet time of worship with my Jesus. these are the things i treasure. i am so loved. days like today are the ones i put in my quiver so that when the enemy comes - because he will - i can pull this day out and shoot it straight to the heart of every lie he speaks about my worth. even if i had no friends, i am still so loved by God...but i have friends. wonderful. amazing. loving friends. who are so kind and generous. the love they pour on me is an overflow of the Father's love for them and a tangible reminder of His love for me. and it is so good. in this, the 31st year of my life, i have one desire: to be wholly His. i want to worship Him with every breath and become who i was meant to be...holding nothing back...and being held back by nothing. i don't want my life to be the same...and i have a feeling it won't be. ever again. yay :)

take it all in

i'm here. finally. new room. new address. my friends are just as amazing as they have always been. surrounding me with love. inviting me over for dinner and i really can't believe i'm here. it only took me two minutes to get to the worship service this morning. unbelievable. i realized this morning that i have never in my life lived so close to church. but really that isn't the biggest blessing. it's being in community. i am so spoiled to live near so many dear friends. i hope i never take it for granted. everything leading me to this place has been the Lord. it feels like i've come home again...and i am so thankful.

shredded

i've spent time the last several days (well, the ones where i've actually been home) going through piles - literally - of paper. some from school...but most of it, i'm embarrassed to admit is just junk mail that i never bothered to toss out when it came. i have years worth of junk mail taking up precious space in my bedroom and it's driving me crazy. thankfully, several years ago, my parents came to visit me when i was still living in california. my mom helped me go through a bunch of stuff and get rid of it. the problem for me is that i get attached to things. why? who knows. and the other problem is that i someone convinced myself it was easier to throw it into a box or a bin instead of recycling or shredding it. well...i'm done with that. i've been planning - for over a year now - to go through what's left of my paper past and clear it all out. when i moved into this house last year, i had done a bit of down-sizing...but then i got busy...and lazy ;)...and all of my good intentions didn't mean squat because i still had all these boxes of papers. ugh. let me be clear. i am a neat freak to the core and if anyone ever visits, they will find my bedroom, closet and bathroom squeaky clean. the bedroom just has "organized piles" of papers. well, i've definitely had enough. i've had all summer to work on this project (well, most of it anyway) and it's nearly the end of august. the furniture is going into storage on thursday and i'm moving out on monday. the time is now. the neat-freak inside is breathing a sigh of relief and probably squealing with glee as each pile disappears and one more box is emptied. how lovely it will be when all i take to my storage until are boxes of books/dvds/cds and household items instead of another year's worth of paper. i've built momentum...i just hope it holds all the way through. i work all day tomorrow, all day saturday, and all day sunday. that gives me 3 - count them, THREE days to shred and recycle as much as possible and get the rest of my things out of the house. i'm ready. let's see what happens :)

twice upon an august

every year it's a different experience...and i dare say it just keeps getting better.
girls camp was hard because there were some campers who just really didn't want to be there and didn't want to participate. as a worshipper all i could think was how much they are missing out on...because worshipping through song is totally my favorite. i loved leading them in worship because despite their best attempts at being a distraction, those girls didn't stop the rest of them from singing with their hearts to Jesus and it was beautiful. :) during girls camp, God gave me some really great lessons in grace. i'd love to say i showed grace all the time, but let's be real - i failed more than once. in the end, though, i came away loving those girls even more and with a deeper burning in my heart to see their lives made whole...and ultimately for them to know the depth of the Father's love for them.

boys camp was so good. :) except for the yellow jackets. i really have some serious anxiety and it was heightened by about a million as they were just out of control and EVERYWHERE. God proved himself as protector as there were only a few stings/bites the whole weekend and most of those happened to staff, not campers. worship was a completely different experience for me at boys camp. perhaps because of my own angst as a middle/high schooler...and the fact that i was pretty sure all boys disliked me...i experienced a bit of fear over whether i should lead them in certain songs (because maybe they were too "girly"). hahaha. so funny. the Lord kept saying just sing to me. the first morning, there was a boy in tears over the words of one of the songs we sang. the Lord was whispering to his heart in that moment and reminding that young boy that he was not alone and that God loved him so deeply. the next morning, the assistant director decided we would brave the outdoor amphitheater - bees and all - for worship and teaching time. i was not pleased...in fact...it would be fair to say that i was freaking out. i tried really hard not to cry and as the bees were buzzing around me, it was all i could do to keep singing and playing. i was so distracted. during the last song, a bee nearly landed on my lips. not good. i swatted it away, finished the song while trying to keep my composure, and then practically ran up the hill to the safety of the garage to eat breakfast. then i lost it. i felt like i had ruined worship because i was so internally anxious and distracted by the stupid bees. the same boy who was in tears the day before had come up to the garage for some coffee and he came over and said, "You sing good." :) i thanked him. later that day, he told me the same thing and one of the staff members also came to me and thanked me for leading worship because, "nobody else could do what you do." i think i probably laughed at God because i knew every wrong note i'd played...every crack in my voice...every moment where i could barely sing because i was so afraid...and God used it. all of it. the last morning, i woke up grumpy. i was getting irritated right and left by silly little things and i felt super impatient and frustrated. there was no reason for it, aside from a lack of sleep...but even that isn't a reason to be a grouch. worship was down at the amphitheater again, but because they had sprayed the night before, the bees seemed to be a little less active...and yet i'm certain i was more distracted than ever. it was this strange flip-flop between feeling totally connected with God and totally disconnected in the next moment. i left feeling like it was the worst worship set i'd ever led and i felt like i had failed to bring Jesus to those boys. i was wrong. again. a couple of different people told me it was the best worship they'd had all weekend?!

my prayer in worship has always been: let me be so tapped into your heart that when the song comes, it ushers your presence into the atmosphere and lives are transformed.

i am so thankful that in spite of our shortcomings, God uses us to accomplish what He wants and i am certain i had nothing to do with what happened over the course of the weekend, aside from showing up and desiring to participate. i once heard someone say that God is going to do whatever He is going to do, with or without us. what i was reminded of this weekend is that he doesn't need us...but he wants us...and oh how he loves us...junk and all.

a flood

i feel overwhelmed...humbled...and so very thankful. today has been filled with confirmation that God never ever lets go...especially when we leap out in faith. i have no doubt His plans are for my good. here's what He gave me today:

* housing + utilities for the very price i told my mom (over the weekend) would be the highest i felt i could go just on rent. not only that...it's in town and close to several of my favorite people :).
* a guitar - i've been borrowing my roommate's since february and tonight she told me she wants me to take it with me when i go...and just this morning i had mentioned to my mom that i was going to ask if i could either keep or buy it before i go.

I feel like I'm standing under a waterfall of favor because God has heard the whispers of my heart and He just keeps saying yes

the pace quickens...

goodnight! a lot can happen in 11 days...that's how long it's been since i last blogged. lots of folks have been asking me what's next and i've been so busy doing what's next that i have barely had time to breathe...let alone blog about it. i've never been good at telling a short story...i always think i need to include all the details because the story might not be as good without them. if you like short stories...you should probably read a different blog :). so...camp happened...girls camp...and it was full of joy and drama and so many reminders that grace is for everyone. i got stretched and it was good. plus, pretty much my whole family was there and that was my favorite :). after camp i had a day to sleep - hee hee...which i really like - before starting a crazy work week. for those who have missed all the times i've mentioned it before, i'm working at a fabulous historic hotel in a sleepy little town called Dufur. my friends own and run The Balch Hotel and i am blessed to be working for them part-time. i do mostly front desk types of things, but i also help with laundry which means i go up and down 55 stairs multiple times a day :) - i am going to have the best looking legs EVER...ha! - and i also help with whatever needs to be done. it's such a fun job...and my favorite part really is interacting with all of the guests who come through the hotel. chatting with them about where they're from and getting to share some of my own story. the commute isn't ideal - 2 hours from here to there - but sitting on the couch in the hallway between the dining room and the lobby, i just keep thinking how blessed i am to have this job at all. so...i've worked nearly every day this week and even though i'm tired, i get excited knowing i'll be back again on tuesday. and speaking of tuesday...i have a second interview with a hotel in hood river that is going to be re-opening. the columbia gorge hotel is a historic hotel that had to close because the owners could no longer afford to keep it open. the hotel holds a very special place in my heart and every time i would drive by on my way to work (here at the Balch) i would wish for it to be open again. two friends e-mailed me last week and told me that the hotel was going to re-open and one of them mentioned a job fair that was going to be held last Thursday. i went and interviewed with a great woman who wanted me to meet the head of hiring for the department i'd applied for (front desk)...but he was busy. she went and talked to him, came back and said - well, they're just going to take my word for it and they'll call you next week - i left excited at the thought of working at both hotels and was even more excited when i was called the next day for a second interview! :) i'm praying that i'll be able to continue working here for Jeff and Samantha and still work close to full-time at the other hotel. so...there's a lot going on and it's all soooo good. God knows what He's doing all the time and i'm understanding more and more that if i just keep trusting and believing His promises, He will not let me go. ever. please keep praying for my job stuff and also for housing. there are a couple of possibilities in the works...and i'm still moving at the end of the month. i'll try to post again tuesday night...yay!

just as i thought...

you know those times when you know what's about to happen? you expect it. you try to prepare yourself so you'll have the most positive outlook afterward. then it happens...and you still end up being sad/disappointed. that sucks. i didn't get the job at Horizon. i wasn't surprised...i sensed the "no" coming...and i still found myself sad. if i'm honest, i'll say it scares me. the idea of not having a full-time job and only one more paycheck from my last one. in some ways, i'm more prepared for unemployment than some people...i have a tiny bit in savings...i started a part-time job a couple of weeks ago...and i am making arrangements to be able to sub for awhile. my mom recently reminded me that this is the point where the "rubber meets the road"...where i really choose to trust and believe...or where i give up. i'm not going to give up. i will run the race He's marked out for me...even if running isn't always the most comfortable.

new motivation

i went to the doctor today. i don't particularly like going to the doctor for a check-up, but my insurance is running out soon and i figured i should cash in on $5.00 co-pays in every way possible...health...teeth...perscriptions...and all that good stuff. anyway, we were talking about my overall health and how i'm working on getting fit. i've always been afraid to talk to doctors about that sort of thing because surely they would think i was a fat, unhealthy mess. this conversation was different, though. i was talking through things with her and she said that i should definitely just keep going forward with what i have planned because it all sounds exactly perfect. she did some number crunching and as it turns out, the goal weight i've always had in mind is exactly what she said would be a healthy weight for me based on my height and my athletic frame. she dismissed the words of a college girl who once told me i could be a size 6 if i "really wanted to be." she said that i am really healthy and that losing the extra pounds will only increase that healthiness. she ended the appointment by telling me that i look great! this is a woman who is tall and slender and probably doesn't need to lose any weight...telling me that i am healthy and i look great?! i'll take it...and treasure it :)

more leaping...

i gave notice at my house last night. i'm moving out at the end of the month. i love it here...my room...my house...my girls. but i had to leap again. if i'm really honest, it scares me - the unknown of how everything will fall into place - but it's exciting. it's fabulous knowing that i have the support of my family and friends. i feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. i giggle at the reaction of people who think i'm totally crazy...because maybe...just maybe...we all need a little more craziness in our lives. a thought recently came to me: the easy button does not exist - if it did, we'd have no need of faith. so, as much as i'm going to miss these girls...it's time to go. i have a feeling this leaping thing is becoming a habit. goody :)

the waiting

when i quit my job at washington, i had little idea what was next. i knew i was going to finish the year with joy and to the very best of my ability. i knew i would go to worship school for 3 and half weeks in redding. after that, only God knew. i can't explain it very well and there may be some who have less than favorable opinions toward me now, but it just doesn't matter...because it isn't about them. the decisions i've made over the last 5 months have been carefully prayed over. i have sought counsel from those in my life whom i consider to be both wise and honest. every step of the way i have asked God what He wanted and i have been open to whatever He asked. this is certainly no exception. without going into every detail, these past two months have been an incredible journey with Jesus. my mind has been stretched and my heart has been awakened to the depth and breadth of God's love for me. He has given me a greater understanding of my identity as His daughter and He has given me an overwhelming peace about the unknown. i love that i have no idea the shape my life is going to take. He has increased my passion for worship by about a gazillion :) and in the midst of reminding me that my dreams have not been forgotten, He has given me glimpses of new dreams...or perhaps a new perspective on the dreams that have been hidden inside my heart for a long time. either way, it's been so fun.

i applied for a teaching job last week...at a christian school...in my hometown. i doubt anyone was more surprised than me because 3 months ago i would have laughed at the very thought. i thought i was supposed to leave teaching...perhaps for good. i never wanted to move back to my hometown. i never felt called to teach in christian school. what a difference a surrendered heart makes. i've questioned whether i should teach again...doubted myself...but i really believe God is leading me on this. i get more excited about it with each passing minute. my stomach has been doing flip-flops since just before my interview yesterday. the reason i'm so excited? this may be the very beginning of pursuing a hidden dream that has exploded in my heart over the past few weeks. i know He'll make His way clear and i'm not worried about it. i felt like i faced one of those "doubters" yesterday and it intimidated me...but only for a moment...because the Lord was quick to remind me that He's been in control from the very beginning and all i have to do is trust and be obedient. whether i get the job or not, i know i've been faithful and He'll honor that...because He loves me. for those who wonder, i'm still dreaming in worship...i'm planning to do an online worship school this fall and trusting God's timing for the release and revelation of the shape it's all going to take. the fun part about being on this adventure in God is the unknown of it all, because it allows me to grow deeper in love and in faith. it is so SO good :)

caught

today has been an amazing testimony of His perfect timing. my parents have had their house on the market since december. it's now the end of july. several people have seen the house, but noone had made an offer...yet. i went for a walk with my mom on sunday and she told me that my parents would be flying up to alaska to meet with a property management company to talk about renting the house out since it hasn't sold yet and is just sitting there empty. we have all been praying and believing that God has a perfect plan and a perfect time for the house to be sold. yesterday, my parents received an offer! a CASH offer and the buyers wanted to close by the end of the month! we were thrilled, but the offer was low. my parents did some number crunching and countered this morning. the realtor seemed confident the buyers would accept my parents' counter-offer. the buyers countered back. my parents asked the realtor to go back with the same price they had countered with earlier in the morning and state it was the FIRM price on the house. waiting. then, the realtor called my mom and said the woman was coming over in the afternoon to sign my parents' final offer!!! WHAT?! yep. sold. they close on the house at the end of next week. a house that has been on the market for 7 months gets sold in less than 24 hours...and that isn't even the best part. my mom had been thinking earlier in the week about this trip to alaska...knowing it would be her last...and feeling slightly disappointed that this trip wouldn't be to close on their house. but look what God did! not only is the house finally going to sell, but my mom gets to sign the papers while she's in Alaska. how completely perfect and awesome is God's timing?! i feel caught in a flood of His blessing for this (and other things which i'll blog about later) and it's incredible. oh how He loves.

unexpected

do you ever wonder if He just smiles?
He does.
i don't think i ever imagined my dreams taking these turns, but there is something really thrilling about the unknown of it all.
i'm entertaining ideas i never thought i would...and maybe that's the point.
stretching.
growing.
becoming who i was meant to be.
i don't think it ever takes the shape we think it will. and when the dust settles, i am always so glad His imagination is bigger than my own.

swirling.
swelling.
anticipating.
anxious.
overwhelmed.
confused.
the bubble is gone.
what now?
for half a second, i forgot.
so many roads
leading so many places
maybe right
maybe not
but i can't forget
i won't forget
this isn't just my adventure
it's ours
i can't wait to see where we're going
surprise me
i trust you. always.

must...have...water

these last couple of weeks have reminded me of one of the reasons i did not like living in san jose. heat. i don't like it. at all. granted, san jose heat was nothing compared to redding which is nothing compared to arizona - um...ew - but being here in this 100+ degree heat has once again reminded me why i love home. sure, the rain gets old after awhile. sure, i'd like it to be sunny and 70 pretty much year-round. but seriously, this heat is ridiculous. i was watching the news tonight and almost jumped for joy when they said tomorrow would be a cool 95. 95?!!?! since when is that COOL? well, bring it on. 95 degrees, i welcome you with open arms...a fan...and a fully functioning air conditioner in my car! :)

confrontation

scary word. at least for me. i always think it means something bad. today i was reminded why it can be GOOD. confrontation doesn't have to be angry or hateful. it really can be as simple as checking in to make sure everyone is on the same page. relationships are more important to me than i can explain, and as a result, I've become more confrontational over the last couple of years. there comes a point where i always realize i need to say something...and it's usually after i sense there is something wrong. today was one of those days. i've been sitting on it for a week. this yucky icky feeling that everything wasn't okay. i'm never sure how to approach situations like these because i don't want to stir up drama. i'm also never really sure what to say. i think i might spend too much time overthinking what to say, instead of just being like, "hey, is everything okay? did i do something to offend you?" a couple of months ago i heard this incredible message about offense and it has really stuck with me because i don't want to be a person who is easily offended. let's face it. i'm a pretty sensitive gal. i used to think it was a flaw in my character...but what i realize is that my sensitivity is one of the things that makes me who i am. it's part of the reason i'm so compassionate. so...what it comes down to is that i have to get over myself and my fears and confront when i think it's necessary. so i did it. i walked up and politely asked if we could talk. i tried in the most careful way to talk through how i was feeling and it was received really well. in fact, it turns out we both were thinking the same thing about the other person. we both were under the impression that the other person was brushing us off...needed their space...and that we had somehow offended them. the funny thing is...neither of us had been offended and neither one of us was angry or needed space. i had to work hard not to laugh about the whole situation because i could see how ridiculous and how clearly the enemy had twisted our actions and our thoughts around to make us believe exactly the opposite of how we actually felt. and then it hit me. relationship is one of the ways the enemy tries to get at me. today a wall came crashing down and i am SO glad! it's just more confirmation to me that i have to guard my relationships closely and not be afraid to be who i am...and that sometimes, that means having the hard conversations - confronting in love - and asking for God's grace to bring restoration. today was a good day! :)

if you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at me :)

sometimes i just have to laugh at my own insanity. most of the time, i'm pretty cool. i think that even though i'm a kid at heart, i definitely act like a grown up...most of the time. and then, just when you least expect it...BAM! i am seriously the biggest weirdo on the planet. tonight after the last session - which was really awesome, by the way - kayla and i decided to go grab a quick bite at In-N-Out. i actually had eaten there at dinner time, but since it was now nearly 11pm, I was definitely hungry again...and i LOVE those grilled cheese sandwiches ;). so...i'm waiting for my food while kayla orders and i look over and see the speaker from this week's conference sitting at the table with 3 other people (who i'm certain are part of Bethel's staff). i totally stared at him with my mouth wide open and then pointed at him. if that wasn't bad enough, i walked over to the table and started talking. i said, "there's something i've been wanting to say to you and i thought that if i ever got a chance, i have to tell you..." then i proceeded to tell him what i had hoped would be an encouraging word. now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, except i'm pretty sure he thought i was a freak. good thing i wasn't wearing my name-tag otherwise, he'd know that i'm not just here for the weekend! hahahaha. i haven't been that embarrassed in a while and even though i'm partly glad i said something, the other part of me is just shaking her head...laughing at her own dorkiness. :)

slaying the giants

so anyone who asks me is going to hear me say the same thing: God's presence is so completely over this place it's ridiculous. yeah. ridiculous. i love it! :) haha! it's really impossible for me to write everything that happens...i'm still processing so much of it because we get SO MUCH every day. i've only been here a week but it feels like longer. so, today was an awesome day. for real. during the morning session, Ray Hughes was talking to us about David. He was going through the story of David and Goliath and talking about what David brought to the battle. He brought a worshipping heart. God chose David because his heart was completely devoted to worshipping God and God used David to cut the head off of a giant, which then opened up doors for other people to be who they were created to be because they were no longer living in fear of this giant. a giant who had been screaming lies and hate over them for 40 days. a giant who was standing in opposition to God and God's purposes. Ray was relating the story to our lives as worshippers and how there are giants that stand in opposition to the fullfillment of God's purposes in our lives - our destiny in God. then, as a prophetic act, Ray had us stand up and picture in our minds the giants that are standing in our way...the giants we know by name because they've been screaming lies and hate over us for a season. i didn't have just one giant. i had a line of them. one behind the other and i couldn't see how far back the line went, but i saw three very clearly and their names were on their helmets. their faces were dark and angry and they looked at me as if to say, "there is no way you will take us out because if one of us falls, there are more of us behind to take the place of the fallen." next, ray had us hold up our arms as if we had a sling and we were to swing our arm around and make the sound of a sling - which, by the way 200+ people making the sound of a sling is REALLY awesome - and on the count of 3 we were to let the stone fly out of the sling. as we let go we were to give a shout while the stone implanted the heads of the giants and made them fall. i was a little afraid because the giants i was staring down were big and ugly, but i did it anyway. i don't know how many stones were actually inside my sling but it didn't matter because when the stone hit the first giant they all crumbled to the ground like an imploding building and they lay there, dead...their heads crushed and they were nothing but rubble. as the dust settled i could see an opening that i knew was my destiny. i couldn't see what it was, but i just knew i was supposed to walk into it. then, ray had everyone close their eyes and make the sound of rain. it represented the cleansing rain that was coming to wash off the dust of the slain giants so that no part of them would remain in our lives. it was such an awesome moment. at first the rain was quiet and then we just got louder and louder and there was so much freedom. i'm going to keep claiming that freedom because those giants are dead and gone and i am walking - scratch that - running straight into my destiny!! woohoo!!! :)

infinite possibilities

i should be in bed. i'm tired. sort of. but my head is spinning in about a million different directions. i got a new idea tonight and i'm praying about it. wondering if maybe it's the direction God has for me. a funny thing happens when you quit your job without knowing what's next. the possibilities seem endless. so there's lots to pray about. i'm thankful that God already knows the answer and that He will give it to me at exactly the right moment. being open to anything, i'm just going to keep pursuing Him and praying about every idea...and maybe asking Him for another burning bush ;) if you're reading...please keep praying. i need it. i can't get enough of it...and i am so thankful for it.

highlights and lessons from week 1:

* worship - amazing. anointed. after 2 days of getting in my own way...distracted by thinking too much about what's going on around me or what people might be thinking about me...He showed me that all that matters to Him is that i bring all of myself. because in those moments, where He has all of me, that's when He speaks.

* teaching - brian & jenn, bill, andrew, & jeremy. how do you process so much wisdom? and how do i keep from being too intimidated to ask questions? i finally had the courage to go up and talk to andrew after his teaching session. as i was talking to him, i realized that that's why they are all there. to impart their wisdom and to answer our questions. you know what happened? he listened. like, REALLY listened. not just to what i was saying, but also to what God was saying and then he shared it with me and then he prayed over me. i was a mess, but it was a beautiful moment.

* classes - went to band session today and gained some good stuff from how other people were being critiqued. my favorite part was the way that every word spoken was delivered in love for the purpose of building, strengthening, and encouraging each person. so good. oh, and i got a bit of one-on-one "instruction" from ian macintosh on keys. insane. he's 8 years younger than me and has such an incredible gift. i can't wait to learn more from him.

* songs - after andrew prayed for me, it was time for another main session and during the session we were making journals. our task was to take magazines and cut or tear out pictures and/or words that stood out to us in some way. kathy said that as we worked we might start to see a theme emerging in the words or the pictures or both. as i was putting the pieces together and placing them onto the notebook cover it began to take shape. then, as i was gluing them on, God brought me a song. what?!? it wasn't even the end of the second day! this morning i played it and worked out some of the lyrics and the chords. i found out that the songwriting classes are going to be times for people to share songs they've written and brian is going to critique them...tearing them apart and helping put them back together. oh my gravy! i have never been in a season of life where i would be comfortable sharing my songs so people can tear them apart. until now. jeremy was talking about that in the main session today during q & a. in answer to someone's question, jeremy said that we should be sharing the songs we're writing with a community so that we learn whether it is for us or for the corporate body...and also so that we can make changes that the songs might need that we wouldn't necessarily hear on our own. i remember thinking, "i so want to share my songs because i want them to be perfected and i want to know if they are for other people...but who can i share them with?" thanks GOD for opening a door for me to lay my songs out before people who understand worship so much better than i do and who will help me work out the kinks with grace and love. i am so excited! woot!

* friends - canada...the first friend i made is from canada and will be moving to portland to attend bible college in the fall. awesome. then, yesterday, as i was sitting on the floor eating my lunch, hannah came of and invited me to sit at their table. she has such a sweet and loving spirit. i ended up sitting at a table with girls from far away: virginia, indiana, wisconsin, singapore & australia! incredible. there was also a girl from california and one other girl who i still don't know where she's from. but they are wonderful. we played frisbee in the hot, hot, sun and today we all ate lunch together. i'll be carpooling with kayla - from wisconsin - because she needs a ride and i have a car and it turns out she's staying only about a mile from me. coincidenc? i think not. :)

* age - i seriously had no idea how young some of the Bethel crew was. i expected there would be quite a lot of young 20 somethings...but holy cow. there are kids here who are 16, 17, 18...and they are SO talented. the first day, jenn talked a lot about every person being a piece of the puzzle and that we can't disqualify ourselves for any reason because God has a purpose for each of us. i have struggled so much with that over these past three days because i keep thinking "I am so old...maybe i'm too old to be here...i can't play/sing like that." this is exactly the kind of stuff that i have to stop saying because ME is who God wants...30 years old...in love with Jesus...worshipper...me. jenn said, "be you. be real. be uncovered." i am learning how to be uncovered and to just keep being myself. it becomes easier when i turn those doubts into praise for who God has made me, how He's gifted me, and for the ways He has gifted others...because it keeps the enemy from gaining ground in my life. fear goes. self-doubt goes. and as it all gets stripped away, i step further into my destiny...and i can't wait!

first-day jitters

first day = good...stressful...tiring...and confusing. the stress was mainly caused by stuff at the apartment which is under control for the time being. the tiring and confusing parts were related to the schedules at school which were not well-planned because they're trying something new this year. great. i love being part of the "guinea pig" group ;).

so...a little known fact about me: though i'm a pretty big butterfly - in the social sense - large groups of people make me clam up like a stuffed moose. 274 worshippers all together in the same room is both amazing and intimidating all at the same time...and what i realized today is that in order to experience the presence of God the way i really want to...the way i think He wants me to...i have to get out of my own way. i was so distracted today. worried about what other people might think about me...and wanting to be fully present with Jesus the way that others seemed to be. jenn said something really important today: "the world needs you to be you. people can't be who they are completely, unless you are completely you. be you, be real, be uncovered." what i know is that i can't be who i am completely unless i learn how to just sit and soak in God's presence without being distracted by myself or others. bill asked everyone to consider the question: "are you a worshipper when noone is watching?" i'd say that i am...sometimes. what i'm here for...to learn to be a worshipper all the time...especially when noone is watching. as jenn put it - "to lean into God in every spontaneous moment where he tugs on my heart." because you know what'll happen then? i'll be in His presence and in those moments He will begin to show me more of who i am in Him and how He wants me to use my giftings for His glory...and that will be so completely amazing. that's all i want...to be in the very center of His dreams for my life.

and so it begins

this morning didn't go the way i planned. i left the house a little late and i had a couple of errands to run before leaving town. while pulling up to jamba juice my car looked somewhat lop-sided in the store window...not good. thankfully, les schwab was just around the corner so i took my car there and asked of they could check it out. the very nice lady told me it would be an hour to an hour and a half before they could get to it. begin waterworks. called my mom and she reminded me that it would all work out. 30 minutes later, i was back in the car with one last stop...which turned into two...the second stop being my sister's house for a perfectly timed goodbye hug - she was on her way back to work after feeding Elijah - and some last-minute snuggles from my sweet baby nephew...something i won't get for 3 and a half weeks. my mom was right :). finally got on the road @ 11:30. two quick stops...5 hours and 15 minutes later...i'm here...in the cottage that will be my home for the next 3 and a half weeks. it's super cute and totally perfect. i probably won't unpack until tomorrow because my neat-freak self won't put clothes in a drawer i haven't cleaned myself. or wait, is that OCD? either way, unpacking will have to wait. i still have no idea what's in store for me these next 24 days...but i believe i am exactly where i'm supposed to be and i'm getting butterflies just thinking about all that God might want to teach me.

this has been a frustrating couple of days. too many people trying to tell me what to do...how to live...i said i was willing to do whatever needed to be done. and now that the decisions have been made, i realize how much i shouldn't have said that...but it's the way i am. i say i'll do whatever needs to be done - because on some level i really want to help people out - and then when i realize what needs to be done isn't what i want - which i sometimes don't realize until it becomes what i must do - i'm stuck doing it anyway. then i wonder...what about what i want? does that even matter? grrrr.

i am so restless it isn't even funny. i want to go...but i don't know where...and i don't know how...but i want to go. and then everyone with their opinions about how i should wait because "what would you do instead?" or "but you're so good at that" and i hear their voices getting louder and louder. as the opinions swell inside my head, i feel overwhelmed and all i want is to hear HIS voice and be unafraid to move forward...and without the fear of being rejected when i go. i'm ready for change. something new...and if this is my something new, i have once again failed at being completely willing and i need an attitude adjustment. i keep thinking there's a transition ahead. a big one. like something life-changing is about to happen...but maybe this is it. it doesn't seem that big to me, except that it's different than what i've done before...but it's still the same place and doing the same thing which is why it doesn't feel life-changing. i'm so confused.

Jesus, help. Make my heart chase after your dreams and open my eyes to see what I may just be missing because I've wanted my own dreams for so long. I know you love me. I know your plans are good. I want to recognize them and be excited about them, even if they look different that what I wanted.

i'm not sure what HE is up to
and there's some fear in that
but i have to be honest...
i want to GO
and everyday
there's a little less fear
and a lot more of me
wanting to GO
i have no idea WHERE
i have no idea WHEN
i have no idea HOW
i'm not even sure WHAT
but i know WHY...
and everyday
i'm a little more ready
and i can't wait to GO