if you could see inside

"break my heart for what breaks Yours..." ~ from Hosanna by Hillsong United

sometimes my heart feels so fragile...like the thinnest glass...one little jolt and it all comes crashing down. my heart is broken. but i am well. how is that even possible? somewhere in these past several months i moved from a place of being broken to a place of being well in the midst of brokenness. part of being fully myself has been about learning to carry the compassion and love of the Father without being crushed by it's immensity. grasping the length and depth and breadth of His heart for me and learning to give it away. i was made for many things. one of them, like the lyric, is to have a heart that is broken for the things that break His heart. i can tell you, with absolute certainty, my heart is in that place. and the beautiful thing is while my heart feels deeply the grief of a Father, i understand that it is not meant to be a burden. and the moment i begin to feel burdened by it, i feel Him lean against me and carefully pull the weight of it back onto His shoulders. He shares it with me because He trusts me to give away love and compassion in the midst of chaos...and there is so much grace for me in this season to do exactly that. i don't do it perfectly every time...especially if i'm emotionally strung out or my eyes are not fixed only on His. but make no mistake, it is my honor to walk this road. it is my delight and my joy to give away even a fraction of what has been given to me. and to be there on the other side, when redemption comes for the broken? that is what i'm most excited about. every time.

not the same

often times a personal transformation is more evident to an outside observer than it is to the one who is being changed. this has almost always been the case for me. in every aspect of my life. i recently came through the most challenging season of my life. it was my own personal hell, actually. it lasted a thousand days longer than i thought it should have. it was more painful than i could have imagined. and it was the farthest thing from "my favorite" that you can get. as a daughter of a good, faithful, and incredibly kind Father, i knew He would keep me safe and i knew i could trust Him. but it was still the hardest thing i'd ever done. and even in trusting He was with me, i never could have imagined the beauty that was coming. the redemption. along the way, people told me how they could see a difference in me. "can't you see it? don't you feel it?" to which i replied "yes" with great uncertainty. i wanted to believe i was changing, that all of this hell somehow had a purpose beyond what my limited understanding was telling me. but i could not. it was as if i didn't dare hope that i was really changing.

then, slowly, as if time no longer mattered, the lover of my soul lifted the veil from my eyes and i could finally see and believe and trust that i really was becoming someone different. someone healthy. someone free. and the pain. and the thousands of tears. were instantly worth it. i would not wish to go through a hell like that again, not ever. but i had a new understanding that i was not the same. and when someone would say, "can you see it? don't you feel it?" i could reply with the most certain "Yes" i've ever spoken and then smile wider than i've ever smiled. because it was true. i've spent more than two months with this new understanding and i keep catching myself being ridiculously grateful for it. all of it. for so many reasons.

i was hit with gratitude again tonight, as i sat on a couch with my head back and tears streaming down my face. and i had a revelation. something i hadn't really thought much about before that moment. i really am my real self. i'm not hiding behind masks anymore. i'm not hiding behind fear. i'm not hiding behind rejection. i am standing with the strong arms of my lover wrapped tightly, securely around me. and my heart is toward Him. and with each breath, i am walking out the truth of who i really am. a relationally healthy, deeply passionate, extravagantly generous, tenacious, compassionate lover of God whose heart is ever expanding with love for His people. a worshiper whose praise moves the heart of the Father bringing healing and wholeness as people encounter His presence. a beautiful daughter filled with His Spirit and carrying His authority.

this me. the real me. she can stay.

i disagree

"everything happens for a reason"

"it's all part of God's plan"

no. no. no. can i just tell you? no.

these are statements i have struggled with for most of my adult life...which i suppose is much shorter than i realize sometimes, but that's not the point. what about the mother who just miscarried her baby? the girl who was just trafficked for the second time? the husband who's wife suddenly died, leaving him to care for their children on his own? the village ripped apart by a natural disaster or crushed by an evil dictator?

some things happen for no reason. they are sad. and senseless. and definitely not part of God's plan. we won't...no, we can't understand them, they just are. they are not fair things or happy things and it's okay for me to say that out loud. but then what? while i don't believe it's God's plan for horrible things to happen to us because God wants to teach us a lesson, i believe that in His sovereign and redemptive mercy, He makes a way for things to be less horrible than they could have been. it is true that He knows everything that will happen in my life. from my past to my future, it has been written. but because He is the author, He gets to make edits and changes and surprises along the way. He can walk with me through a difficult season, teaching me and giving me tools along the way that will be of great help the next time a difficulty comes. He will redeem it all and He will make all things, even the sad, horrible, tragic things work together for my good. He didn't cause them, but He can fix them. i believe Him. i trust Him. i trust His heart. and He will come...in fact, He already has.