shredded

i've spent time the last several days (well, the ones where i've actually been home) going through piles - literally - of paper. some from school...but most of it, i'm embarrassed to admit is just junk mail that i never bothered to toss out when it came. i have years worth of junk mail taking up precious space in my bedroom and it's driving me crazy. thankfully, several years ago, my parents came to visit me when i was still living in california. my mom helped me go through a bunch of stuff and get rid of it. the problem for me is that i get attached to things. why? who knows. and the other problem is that i someone convinced myself it was easier to throw it into a box or a bin instead of recycling or shredding it. well...i'm done with that. i've been planning - for over a year now - to go through what's left of my paper past and clear it all out. when i moved into this house last year, i had done a bit of down-sizing...but then i got busy...and lazy ;)...and all of my good intentions didn't mean squat because i still had all these boxes of papers. ugh. let me be clear. i am a neat freak to the core and if anyone ever visits, they will find my bedroom, closet and bathroom squeaky clean. the bedroom just has "organized piles" of papers. well, i've definitely had enough. i've had all summer to work on this project (well, most of it anyway) and it's nearly the end of august. the furniture is going into storage on thursday and i'm moving out on monday. the time is now. the neat-freak inside is breathing a sigh of relief and probably squealing with glee as each pile disappears and one more box is emptied. how lovely it will be when all i take to my storage until are boxes of books/dvds/cds and household items instead of another year's worth of paper. i've built momentum...i just hope it holds all the way through. i work all day tomorrow, all day saturday, and all day sunday. that gives me 3 - count them, THREE days to shred and recycle as much as possible and get the rest of my things out of the house. i'm ready. let's see what happens :)

twice upon an august

every year it's a different experience...and i dare say it just keeps getting better.
girls camp was hard because there were some campers who just really didn't want to be there and didn't want to participate. as a worshipper all i could think was how much they are missing out on...because worshipping through song is totally my favorite. i loved leading them in worship because despite their best attempts at being a distraction, those girls didn't stop the rest of them from singing with their hearts to Jesus and it was beautiful. :) during girls camp, God gave me some really great lessons in grace. i'd love to say i showed grace all the time, but let's be real - i failed more than once. in the end, though, i came away loving those girls even more and with a deeper burning in my heart to see their lives made whole...and ultimately for them to know the depth of the Father's love for them.

boys camp was so good. :) except for the yellow jackets. i really have some serious anxiety and it was heightened by about a million as they were just out of control and EVERYWHERE. God proved himself as protector as there were only a few stings/bites the whole weekend and most of those happened to staff, not campers. worship was a completely different experience for me at boys camp. perhaps because of my own angst as a middle/high schooler...and the fact that i was pretty sure all boys disliked me...i experienced a bit of fear over whether i should lead them in certain songs (because maybe they were too "girly"). hahaha. so funny. the Lord kept saying just sing to me. the first morning, there was a boy in tears over the words of one of the songs we sang. the Lord was whispering to his heart in that moment and reminding that young boy that he was not alone and that God loved him so deeply. the next morning, the assistant director decided we would brave the outdoor amphitheater - bees and all - for worship and teaching time. i was not pleased...in fact...it would be fair to say that i was freaking out. i tried really hard not to cry and as the bees were buzzing around me, it was all i could do to keep singing and playing. i was so distracted. during the last song, a bee nearly landed on my lips. not good. i swatted it away, finished the song while trying to keep my composure, and then practically ran up the hill to the safety of the garage to eat breakfast. then i lost it. i felt like i had ruined worship because i was so internally anxious and distracted by the stupid bees. the same boy who was in tears the day before had come up to the garage for some coffee and he came over and said, "You sing good." :) i thanked him. later that day, he told me the same thing and one of the staff members also came to me and thanked me for leading worship because, "nobody else could do what you do." i think i probably laughed at God because i knew every wrong note i'd played...every crack in my voice...every moment where i could barely sing because i was so afraid...and God used it. all of it. the last morning, i woke up grumpy. i was getting irritated right and left by silly little things and i felt super impatient and frustrated. there was no reason for it, aside from a lack of sleep...but even that isn't a reason to be a grouch. worship was down at the amphitheater again, but because they had sprayed the night before, the bees seemed to be a little less active...and yet i'm certain i was more distracted than ever. it was this strange flip-flop between feeling totally connected with God and totally disconnected in the next moment. i left feeling like it was the worst worship set i'd ever led and i felt like i had failed to bring Jesus to those boys. i was wrong. again. a couple of different people told me it was the best worship they'd had all weekend?!

my prayer in worship has always been: let me be so tapped into your heart that when the song comes, it ushers your presence into the atmosphere and lives are transformed.

i am so thankful that in spite of our shortcomings, God uses us to accomplish what He wants and i am certain i had nothing to do with what happened over the course of the weekend, aside from showing up and desiring to participate. i once heard someone say that God is going to do whatever He is going to do, with or without us. what i was reminded of this weekend is that he doesn't need us...but he wants us...and oh how he loves us...junk and all.

a flood

i feel overwhelmed...humbled...and so very thankful. today has been filled with confirmation that God never ever lets go...especially when we leap out in faith. i have no doubt His plans are for my good. here's what He gave me today:

* housing + utilities for the very price i told my mom (over the weekend) would be the highest i felt i could go just on rent. not only that...it's in town and close to several of my favorite people :).
* a guitar - i've been borrowing my roommate's since february and tonight she told me she wants me to take it with me when i go...and just this morning i had mentioned to my mom that i was going to ask if i could either keep or buy it before i go.

I feel like I'm standing under a waterfall of favor because God has heard the whispers of my heart and He just keeps saying yes

the pace quickens...

goodnight! a lot can happen in 11 days...that's how long it's been since i last blogged. lots of folks have been asking me what's next and i've been so busy doing what's next that i have barely had time to breathe...let alone blog about it. i've never been good at telling a short story...i always think i need to include all the details because the story might not be as good without them. if you like short stories...you should probably read a different blog :). so...camp happened...girls camp...and it was full of joy and drama and so many reminders that grace is for everyone. i got stretched and it was good. plus, pretty much my whole family was there and that was my favorite :). after camp i had a day to sleep - hee hee...which i really like - before starting a crazy work week. for those who have missed all the times i've mentioned it before, i'm working at a fabulous historic hotel in a sleepy little town called Dufur. my friends own and run The Balch Hotel and i am blessed to be working for them part-time. i do mostly front desk types of things, but i also help with laundry which means i go up and down 55 stairs multiple times a day :) - i am going to have the best looking legs EVER...ha! - and i also help with whatever needs to be done. it's such a fun job...and my favorite part really is interacting with all of the guests who come through the hotel. chatting with them about where they're from and getting to share some of my own story. the commute isn't ideal - 2 hours from here to there - but sitting on the couch in the hallway between the dining room and the lobby, i just keep thinking how blessed i am to have this job at all. so...i've worked nearly every day this week and even though i'm tired, i get excited knowing i'll be back again on tuesday. and speaking of tuesday...i have a second interview with a hotel in hood river that is going to be re-opening. the columbia gorge hotel is a historic hotel that had to close because the owners could no longer afford to keep it open. the hotel holds a very special place in my heart and every time i would drive by on my way to work (here at the Balch) i would wish for it to be open again. two friends e-mailed me last week and told me that the hotel was going to re-open and one of them mentioned a job fair that was going to be held last Thursday. i went and interviewed with a great woman who wanted me to meet the head of hiring for the department i'd applied for (front desk)...but he was busy. she went and talked to him, came back and said - well, they're just going to take my word for it and they'll call you next week - i left excited at the thought of working at both hotels and was even more excited when i was called the next day for a second interview! :) i'm praying that i'll be able to continue working here for Jeff and Samantha and still work close to full-time at the other hotel. so...there's a lot going on and it's all soooo good. God knows what He's doing all the time and i'm understanding more and more that if i just keep trusting and believing His promises, He will not let me go. ever. please keep praying for my job stuff and also for housing. there are a couple of possibilities in the works...and i'm still moving at the end of the month. i'll try to post again tuesday night...yay!

just as i thought...

you know those times when you know what's about to happen? you expect it. you try to prepare yourself so you'll have the most positive outlook afterward. then it happens...and you still end up being sad/disappointed. that sucks. i didn't get the job at Horizon. i wasn't surprised...i sensed the "no" coming...and i still found myself sad. if i'm honest, i'll say it scares me. the idea of not having a full-time job and only one more paycheck from my last one. in some ways, i'm more prepared for unemployment than some people...i have a tiny bit in savings...i started a part-time job a couple of weeks ago...and i am making arrangements to be able to sub for awhile. my mom recently reminded me that this is the point where the "rubber meets the road"...where i really choose to trust and believe...or where i give up. i'm not going to give up. i will run the race He's marked out for me...even if running isn't always the most comfortable.

new motivation

i went to the doctor today. i don't particularly like going to the doctor for a check-up, but my insurance is running out soon and i figured i should cash in on $5.00 co-pays in every way possible...health...teeth...perscriptions...and all that good stuff. anyway, we were talking about my overall health and how i'm working on getting fit. i've always been afraid to talk to doctors about that sort of thing because surely they would think i was a fat, unhealthy mess. this conversation was different, though. i was talking through things with her and she said that i should definitely just keep going forward with what i have planned because it all sounds exactly perfect. she did some number crunching and as it turns out, the goal weight i've always had in mind is exactly what she said would be a healthy weight for me based on my height and my athletic frame. she dismissed the words of a college girl who once told me i could be a size 6 if i "really wanted to be." she said that i am really healthy and that losing the extra pounds will only increase that healthiness. she ended the appointment by telling me that i look great! this is a woman who is tall and slender and probably doesn't need to lose any weight...telling me that i am healthy and i look great?! i'll take it...and treasure it :)

more leaping...

i gave notice at my house last night. i'm moving out at the end of the month. i love it here...my room...my house...my girls. but i had to leap again. if i'm really honest, it scares me - the unknown of how everything will fall into place - but it's exciting. it's fabulous knowing that i have the support of my family and friends. i feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. i giggle at the reaction of people who think i'm totally crazy...because maybe...just maybe...we all need a little more craziness in our lives. a thought recently came to me: the easy button does not exist - if it did, we'd have no need of faith. so, as much as i'm going to miss these girls...it's time to go. i have a feeling this leaping thing is becoming a habit. goody :)