stop

stop telling me i'm not good enough
stop looking at me like i'm crazy
stop treating me like i'm stupid
stop it
stop making promises you can't keep
stop forgetting about me
stop flirting if you don't mean it
stop saying i need more
stop it
stop lying to me
stop talking about me behind my back
stop trying to make me feel insignificant
stop feeling sorry for me
stop it. stop it. stop it.

i know who i am
i know WHOSE i am
and He wins.

becoming who i was meant to be

i had a conversation today that hit me so hard i'm still trying to catch my breath. she was reading my mind...my heart...and she didn't even know it. or maybe she did. one of the things that amazes me about God is the way He uses other people to speak into our lives. her words came at the perfect time, and i didn't even realize until she said them that it was exactly what i needed in that moment. this moment. and in the moments to come. i get so caught up in being concerned about other peoples' opinions - their "measuring sticks" - and stuck on my own as well...that i forget that God is pleased with me. "until you KNOW that you are who and what He wants, it will waste your time and delay the release of what He has for you." who i am is enough for Him. why can't it be enough for me? whatever the answer, i'm about to let go of all the sticks i use to measure myself and my abilities. i'm about to ignore the sticks others use to measure me. i'm about to drown myself in the truth of who i am...HIS...so that i can become who i was meant to be...and be released into what i was created for.

all filled up

there's A LOT going on right now. mostly i don't have time to think very long or process what i'm thinking. i feel very upside down. but today was a good day. know why? i spent the entire day up at camp (save for the drive there and back) doing the training before camp starts in a couple of weeks. the day was LONG and tiring, but i left feeling so full. i feel honored to be part of making a dream into a reality. blessed to be hand-picked for a job that i feel completely inadequate for...at the same time knowing that my weakness is something God can use for his glory. but mostly, i am so incredibly thankful for people who are committed to making a difference in the lives of children. these children. abused. neglected. abandoned. kids whose circumstances have begun to define them...and we have a chance to speak into their lives...showing them that their circumstances DO NOT define them. showing them what LOVE, RESPECT, & TRUST really look like. we're not doing an altar call or sharing a "4 spiritual laws" tract with them. but we ARE investing in their lives. we ARE building relationships. we WILL show them Jesus through our actions and our words...and we'll pray they meet him here...and we WILL love them. just as they are, because that is exactly the way we are loved.

random thoughts

i love my MOM. she's the best mom in the world. i love that no matter how old my mom gets, she will ALWAYS point me to Jesus...and she'll always be seeking Him first. my dad is that way too. i am so thankful for that :)

i'm lonely. i miss my friends. making new ones...or even re-connecting with "old" ones...hasn't been very easy this time around. i'm not ungrateful for the blessings i've received - in BUCKETLOADS - or the amazing goodness of God. i'm mindful that He's with me and His plans for me are good and perfect and that me being HERE...NOW...is part of that. but i'm still lonely. and i miss the ocean.

i love clean houses...and while i actually live in an apartment, i still think of it as my house because it's where i live...and i love that it is clean.

God has an amazing way of moving me into new seasons of my life with such gentleness...all the while, shifting my perspective until it looks more like His. I'm not who I was. I don't want the same things anymore. My deepest heart desires remain, but beyond that, everything has changed...and the amazing part is, I'm good with it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is completely God.

where is the music?

i can hear it
slowly fading away
but trying hard
to fight
screaming for an outlet
finding none
a glimmer of hope
then reality
it can't be
not now
maybe not ever
or perhaps just not in the way i imagine
i find myself
letting go
again
wanting
wishing
hoping
BELIEVING
that God in His infinite perfection
understands
loves
KNOWS
and will be my outlet
always
and what i desire most
is to know
to really know
that HE is enough

fighting flesh

why is it so easy to want to change and yet so hard to actually do it? i have come so far in claiming victory over sin in my life, and there is always another temptation thrown in my face. i struggle with the fact that there is ever even an argument in my own head as to why i should choose sin over freedom. i clearly had a way out and what did i do? i gave in! does it mean i'm back where i started? no, but it certainly makes me feel like a wretched waste of God's time. i often wonder how long the Lord will offer me a way out...how many times He'll forgive me before His grace runs out...and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be fully free. my heart cries out - LORD FORGIVE ME! I NEED YOU! I CANNOT FIGHT THIS FIGHT ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU EVERY MINUTE...TO STAND WITH ME AND BRING ME INTO COMPLETE FREEDOM. and in my heart, i know He hears and with new hope, i step forward, believing His desire for my freedom is even greater than my own. i sinned. i chose to bow to temptation instead of running from it. it was a moment of weakness that i will one day have to give an account for but it does not erase all that God has done. i am not my sin and i will not let it rule me. i am a beloved daughter of the King. a sinner saved by grace. purified. loved. accepted. and free.

kids

Here are a couple of conversations that will stay with me forever:

Contextualizing the conversation: I was playing a Josh Groban CD for my students)

Me: Don't you just love his voice? I love his voice. I could MARRY him.
Girl: EWWWW!
Me: *quizical* Why is that gross? He's not married. I can marry him.
Girl: *Scrunches nose and shakes head*
Me: I can't marry him?
Girl: No. You can't get married.
Me: I can't get married?
Girl: No.
Me: Why can't I get married?
Girl: Because.
Me: Because, why?
Girl: Because *pauses to think* because you're not old enough to get married!
*This girl has just earned herself a spot on the "teacher's favorites " list.*

Contextualizing the conversation: I was working with a small group of students, helping them put together a "book" where they had to place a picture of a hen onto their page according to the preposition in the sentence (i.e.; across, around, under, etc.).

Me: So, where should we put Rosie?
Students: *pointing to the edge of the pond* Here!
Me: That's right. Can we put Rosie in the water?
Students: No!
Me: Who was in the water?
Students: The fox!
Me: That's right. Okay, go ahead and put Rosie onto your page.
Boy: *walks over with a sly grin and whispers* Teacher!
Me: What?
Boy: Teacher! I'm gonna poop Rosie in the water!
Me: *trying my best not to laugh* You're going to POOP Rosie?
Boy: *smiles, slaps himself in the head* no. i mean poot.
and then we all just started laughing for a good solid minute. yep. my students are hilarious :)

from mushy brains

these last few days have been beautiful. sunny. warm. almost everything i miss about california...except the beach. i still definitely miss the beach.

i was going to take a little nap this afternoon - i still might - because i've been so tired lately. teaching all week + coaching 3 days + training 3 days = one super tired girl...and that doesn't even count whatever i do after work and swim practice. sheesh. i need to find some equilibrium somewhere. do you know where i can buy that?

i love being part of a s.o.t. class...even though i have to leave early every week...it's good that they record each class because then i can catch the last 15 minutes during the week.

i met a man who looked like he could be the long lost twin brother of my friend aaron. it was very weird. not weird bad, just weird.

i like typing in lowercase letters. it most likely has to do with the fact that all week long i teach kids how to write "well" and so when it's my turn to write, i like to just type and not think about whether my sentence started with a capital letter or that my "i's" were capitalized whenever they were "standing alone." someone once told me they thought i was angry because i sent an e-mail that didn't have any capital letters or punctuation, which i thought was funny...because in my own mind, if i were angry, my e-mails might look more like THIS.

i'm falling asleep while typing. this is not a good sign. i need a nap, for sure.

i'm taking kevin up on his recommendation to read john 14-17 in one sitting for an entire week. i'm going to go start right now...who knows, maybe it will inspire more blogging since i've been absent for awhile.

i will carry you to Jesus

i should be sleeping. but i can't yet. there's so much to do. so much to say. and yet i'm not sure i feel like blurting it out yet. it's amazing how quickly life can change. there are so many people in my life right now who are going through HARD stuff. sickness...miscarriages...financial struggles...and a baby's uncertain future. i really wish i had a magic wand right now. i'd make the sickness go away. i'd fix the broken heart of the woman who so desperately wants to be a mother, but has lost her baby...twice. i'd give money for the vehicle, the ministry, the cause. i'd make sure that baby's lungs developed completely and move her organs into the right place so that she LIVES and so that her parents don't have to worry if she'll even take her first breath. my heart BURNS for the broken and i feel so powerless. so i weep. i weep and i pray for God to break through. these things are too big for me, but God is bigger. so i pray, knowing fully that God's answer may be different than what i want, but knowing He will answer and it will be good. i love that i get to carry them to Jesus...and i love that He's going to hold them every step of the way.

11 years is a long time

heart pouding. stomach churning. head spinning. emotions i haven't felt in a long time...about 11 years, actually. i still can't believe i did it...but i'm glad i did...at least...i think i'm glad. somewhere between joining the team and finally getting into a regular practice schedule, i decided to race again. i'm in better shape than i have been, but definitely not in the kind of shape i was in 11 years ago. competing against myself is easier than trying to compete against kids half my age, but honestly, it's just as scary. it's constantly reminding myself that i'm not going to be as fast as i was 11 years ago and it's giving myself permission to be who i am now. i did my best. i survived. i even placed in a couple of my events. i'll probably race again...because despite how frustrating it is to get killed by kids half my age...it was kind of fun getting in there again. i'm not as young as used to be...my body has been reminding me of that since yesterday...but i'm pretty sure i'm addicted. :)

the messes we make

Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly feel like everything went horribly wrong and you're not really sure how you got to that place, but you wish you could rewind and fix wherever the problem started? I've had a few of those recently. Miscommunication is...I suppose...part of the human condition. Something messy. Something painful. Something unavoidable. Being a "people pleaser" by nature, I just want everyone to be happy all the time...so I don't like miscommunication...ESPECIALLY if I'm the one who didn't communicate well and end up hurting people in the process. UGH. People who know me well, know that my love and friendship are REAL and DEEP and SO LOYAL...but even that doesn't keep me from being a crappy human sometimes. I honestly don't know that much could have been done differently in these most recent situations...more time...clearer communication on all sides...and I am really great at over-analyzing and beating myself up about things, so I may be freaking out over nothing...but when relationships get damaged because of something I did - whether I meant to or not - it really sucks. I've apologized...from the deepest places of my heart...but I don't know if that's enough...and I hate that.