must...have...water

these last couple of weeks have reminded me of one of the reasons i did not like living in san jose. heat. i don't like it. at all. granted, san jose heat was nothing compared to redding which is nothing compared to arizona - um...ew - but being here in this 100+ degree heat has once again reminded me why i love home. sure, the rain gets old after awhile. sure, i'd like it to be sunny and 70 pretty much year-round. but seriously, this heat is ridiculous. i was watching the news tonight and almost jumped for joy when they said tomorrow would be a cool 95. 95?!!?! since when is that COOL? well, bring it on. 95 degrees, i welcome you with open arms...a fan...and a fully functioning air conditioner in my car! :)

confrontation

scary word. at least for me. i always think it means something bad. today i was reminded why it can be GOOD. confrontation doesn't have to be angry or hateful. it really can be as simple as checking in to make sure everyone is on the same page. relationships are more important to me than i can explain, and as a result, I've become more confrontational over the last couple of years. there comes a point where i always realize i need to say something...and it's usually after i sense there is something wrong. today was one of those days. i've been sitting on it for a week. this yucky icky feeling that everything wasn't okay. i'm never sure how to approach situations like these because i don't want to stir up drama. i'm also never really sure what to say. i think i might spend too much time overthinking what to say, instead of just being like, "hey, is everything okay? did i do something to offend you?" a couple of months ago i heard this incredible message about offense and it has really stuck with me because i don't want to be a person who is easily offended. let's face it. i'm a pretty sensitive gal. i used to think it was a flaw in my character...but what i realize is that my sensitivity is one of the things that makes me who i am. it's part of the reason i'm so compassionate. so...what it comes down to is that i have to get over myself and my fears and confront when i think it's necessary. so i did it. i walked up and politely asked if we could talk. i tried in the most careful way to talk through how i was feeling and it was received really well. in fact, it turns out we both were thinking the same thing about the other person. we both were under the impression that the other person was brushing us off...needed their space...and that we had somehow offended them. the funny thing is...neither of us had been offended and neither one of us was angry or needed space. i had to work hard not to laugh about the whole situation because i could see how ridiculous and how clearly the enemy had twisted our actions and our thoughts around to make us believe exactly the opposite of how we actually felt. and then it hit me. relationship is one of the ways the enemy tries to get at me. today a wall came crashing down and i am SO glad! it's just more confirmation to me that i have to guard my relationships closely and not be afraid to be who i am...and that sometimes, that means having the hard conversations - confronting in love - and asking for God's grace to bring restoration. today was a good day! :)

if you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at me :)

sometimes i just have to laugh at my own insanity. most of the time, i'm pretty cool. i think that even though i'm a kid at heart, i definitely act like a grown up...most of the time. and then, just when you least expect it...BAM! i am seriously the biggest weirdo on the planet. tonight after the last session - which was really awesome, by the way - kayla and i decided to go grab a quick bite at In-N-Out. i actually had eaten there at dinner time, but since it was now nearly 11pm, I was definitely hungry again...and i LOVE those grilled cheese sandwiches ;). so...i'm waiting for my food while kayla orders and i look over and see the speaker from this week's conference sitting at the table with 3 other people (who i'm certain are part of Bethel's staff). i totally stared at him with my mouth wide open and then pointed at him. if that wasn't bad enough, i walked over to the table and started talking. i said, "there's something i've been wanting to say to you and i thought that if i ever got a chance, i have to tell you..." then i proceeded to tell him what i had hoped would be an encouraging word. now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, except i'm pretty sure he thought i was a freak. good thing i wasn't wearing my name-tag otherwise, he'd know that i'm not just here for the weekend! hahahaha. i haven't been that embarrassed in a while and even though i'm partly glad i said something, the other part of me is just shaking her head...laughing at her own dorkiness. :)

slaying the giants

so anyone who asks me is going to hear me say the same thing: God's presence is so completely over this place it's ridiculous. yeah. ridiculous. i love it! :) haha! it's really impossible for me to write everything that happens...i'm still processing so much of it because we get SO MUCH every day. i've only been here a week but it feels like longer. so, today was an awesome day. for real. during the morning session, Ray Hughes was talking to us about David. He was going through the story of David and Goliath and talking about what David brought to the battle. He brought a worshipping heart. God chose David because his heart was completely devoted to worshipping God and God used David to cut the head off of a giant, which then opened up doors for other people to be who they were created to be because they were no longer living in fear of this giant. a giant who had been screaming lies and hate over them for 40 days. a giant who was standing in opposition to God and God's purposes. Ray was relating the story to our lives as worshippers and how there are giants that stand in opposition to the fullfillment of God's purposes in our lives - our destiny in God. then, as a prophetic act, Ray had us stand up and picture in our minds the giants that are standing in our way...the giants we know by name because they've been screaming lies and hate over us for a season. i didn't have just one giant. i had a line of them. one behind the other and i couldn't see how far back the line went, but i saw three very clearly and their names were on their helmets. their faces were dark and angry and they looked at me as if to say, "there is no way you will take us out because if one of us falls, there are more of us behind to take the place of the fallen." next, ray had us hold up our arms as if we had a sling and we were to swing our arm around and make the sound of a sling - which, by the way 200+ people making the sound of a sling is REALLY awesome - and on the count of 3 we were to let the stone fly out of the sling. as we let go we were to give a shout while the stone implanted the heads of the giants and made them fall. i was a little afraid because the giants i was staring down were big and ugly, but i did it anyway. i don't know how many stones were actually inside my sling but it didn't matter because when the stone hit the first giant they all crumbled to the ground like an imploding building and they lay there, dead...their heads crushed and they were nothing but rubble. as the dust settled i could see an opening that i knew was my destiny. i couldn't see what it was, but i just knew i was supposed to walk into it. then, ray had everyone close their eyes and make the sound of rain. it represented the cleansing rain that was coming to wash off the dust of the slain giants so that no part of them would remain in our lives. it was such an awesome moment. at first the rain was quiet and then we just got louder and louder and there was so much freedom. i'm going to keep claiming that freedom because those giants are dead and gone and i am walking - scratch that - running straight into my destiny!! woohoo!!! :)

infinite possibilities

i should be in bed. i'm tired. sort of. but my head is spinning in about a million different directions. i got a new idea tonight and i'm praying about it. wondering if maybe it's the direction God has for me. a funny thing happens when you quit your job without knowing what's next. the possibilities seem endless. so there's lots to pray about. i'm thankful that God already knows the answer and that He will give it to me at exactly the right moment. being open to anything, i'm just going to keep pursuing Him and praying about every idea...and maybe asking Him for another burning bush ;) if you're reading...please keep praying. i need it. i can't get enough of it...and i am so thankful for it.

highlights and lessons from week 1:

* worship - amazing. anointed. after 2 days of getting in my own way...distracted by thinking too much about what's going on around me or what people might be thinking about me...He showed me that all that matters to Him is that i bring all of myself. because in those moments, where He has all of me, that's when He speaks.

* teaching - brian & jenn, bill, andrew, & jeremy. how do you process so much wisdom? and how do i keep from being too intimidated to ask questions? i finally had the courage to go up and talk to andrew after his teaching session. as i was talking to him, i realized that that's why they are all there. to impart their wisdom and to answer our questions. you know what happened? he listened. like, REALLY listened. not just to what i was saying, but also to what God was saying and then he shared it with me and then he prayed over me. i was a mess, but it was a beautiful moment.

* classes - went to band session today and gained some good stuff from how other people were being critiqued. my favorite part was the way that every word spoken was delivered in love for the purpose of building, strengthening, and encouraging each person. so good. oh, and i got a bit of one-on-one "instruction" from ian macintosh on keys. insane. he's 8 years younger than me and has such an incredible gift. i can't wait to learn more from him.

* songs - after andrew prayed for me, it was time for another main session and during the session we were making journals. our task was to take magazines and cut or tear out pictures and/or words that stood out to us in some way. kathy said that as we worked we might start to see a theme emerging in the words or the pictures or both. as i was putting the pieces together and placing them onto the notebook cover it began to take shape. then, as i was gluing them on, God brought me a song. what?!? it wasn't even the end of the second day! this morning i played it and worked out some of the lyrics and the chords. i found out that the songwriting classes are going to be times for people to share songs they've written and brian is going to critique them...tearing them apart and helping put them back together. oh my gravy! i have never been in a season of life where i would be comfortable sharing my songs so people can tear them apart. until now. jeremy was talking about that in the main session today during q & a. in answer to someone's question, jeremy said that we should be sharing the songs we're writing with a community so that we learn whether it is for us or for the corporate body...and also so that we can make changes that the songs might need that we wouldn't necessarily hear on our own. i remember thinking, "i so want to share my songs because i want them to be perfected and i want to know if they are for other people...but who can i share them with?" thanks GOD for opening a door for me to lay my songs out before people who understand worship so much better than i do and who will help me work out the kinks with grace and love. i am so excited! woot!

* friends - canada...the first friend i made is from canada and will be moving to portland to attend bible college in the fall. awesome. then, yesterday, as i was sitting on the floor eating my lunch, hannah came of and invited me to sit at their table. she has such a sweet and loving spirit. i ended up sitting at a table with girls from far away: virginia, indiana, wisconsin, singapore & australia! incredible. there was also a girl from california and one other girl who i still don't know where she's from. but they are wonderful. we played frisbee in the hot, hot, sun and today we all ate lunch together. i'll be carpooling with kayla - from wisconsin - because she needs a ride and i have a car and it turns out she's staying only about a mile from me. coincidenc? i think not. :)

* age - i seriously had no idea how young some of the Bethel crew was. i expected there would be quite a lot of young 20 somethings...but holy cow. there are kids here who are 16, 17, 18...and they are SO talented. the first day, jenn talked a lot about every person being a piece of the puzzle and that we can't disqualify ourselves for any reason because God has a purpose for each of us. i have struggled so much with that over these past three days because i keep thinking "I am so old...maybe i'm too old to be here...i can't play/sing like that." this is exactly the kind of stuff that i have to stop saying because ME is who God wants...30 years old...in love with Jesus...worshipper...me. jenn said, "be you. be real. be uncovered." i am learning how to be uncovered and to just keep being myself. it becomes easier when i turn those doubts into praise for who God has made me, how He's gifted me, and for the ways He has gifted others...because it keeps the enemy from gaining ground in my life. fear goes. self-doubt goes. and as it all gets stripped away, i step further into my destiny...and i can't wait!

first-day jitters

first day = good...stressful...tiring...and confusing. the stress was mainly caused by stuff at the apartment which is under control for the time being. the tiring and confusing parts were related to the schedules at school which were not well-planned because they're trying something new this year. great. i love being part of the "guinea pig" group ;).

so...a little known fact about me: though i'm a pretty big butterfly - in the social sense - large groups of people make me clam up like a stuffed moose. 274 worshippers all together in the same room is both amazing and intimidating all at the same time...and what i realized today is that in order to experience the presence of God the way i really want to...the way i think He wants me to...i have to get out of my own way. i was so distracted today. worried about what other people might think about me...and wanting to be fully present with Jesus the way that others seemed to be. jenn said something really important today: "the world needs you to be you. people can't be who they are completely, unless you are completely you. be you, be real, be uncovered." what i know is that i can't be who i am completely unless i learn how to just sit and soak in God's presence without being distracted by myself or others. bill asked everyone to consider the question: "are you a worshipper when noone is watching?" i'd say that i am...sometimes. what i'm here for...to learn to be a worshipper all the time...especially when noone is watching. as jenn put it - "to lean into God in every spontaneous moment where he tugs on my heart." because you know what'll happen then? i'll be in His presence and in those moments He will begin to show me more of who i am in Him and how He wants me to use my giftings for His glory...and that will be so completely amazing. that's all i want...to be in the very center of His dreams for my life.

and so it begins

this morning didn't go the way i planned. i left the house a little late and i had a couple of errands to run before leaving town. while pulling up to jamba juice my car looked somewhat lop-sided in the store window...not good. thankfully, les schwab was just around the corner so i took my car there and asked of they could check it out. the very nice lady told me it would be an hour to an hour and a half before they could get to it. begin waterworks. called my mom and she reminded me that it would all work out. 30 minutes later, i was back in the car with one last stop...which turned into two...the second stop being my sister's house for a perfectly timed goodbye hug - she was on her way back to work after feeding Elijah - and some last-minute snuggles from my sweet baby nephew...something i won't get for 3 and a half weeks. my mom was right :). finally got on the road @ 11:30. two quick stops...5 hours and 15 minutes later...i'm here...in the cottage that will be my home for the next 3 and a half weeks. it's super cute and totally perfect. i probably won't unpack until tomorrow because my neat-freak self won't put clothes in a drawer i haven't cleaned myself. or wait, is that OCD? either way, unpacking will have to wait. i still have no idea what's in store for me these next 24 days...but i believe i am exactly where i'm supposed to be and i'm getting butterflies just thinking about all that God might want to teach me.

this has been a frustrating couple of days. too many people trying to tell me what to do...how to live...i said i was willing to do whatever needed to be done. and now that the decisions have been made, i realize how much i shouldn't have said that...but it's the way i am. i say i'll do whatever needs to be done - because on some level i really want to help people out - and then when i realize what needs to be done isn't what i want - which i sometimes don't realize until it becomes what i must do - i'm stuck doing it anyway. then i wonder...what about what i want? does that even matter? grrrr.

i am so restless it isn't even funny. i want to go...but i don't know where...and i don't know how...but i want to go. and then everyone with their opinions about how i should wait because "what would you do instead?" or "but you're so good at that" and i hear their voices getting louder and louder. as the opinions swell inside my head, i feel overwhelmed and all i want is to hear HIS voice and be unafraid to move forward...and without the fear of being rejected when i go. i'm ready for change. something new...and if this is my something new, i have once again failed at being completely willing and i need an attitude adjustment. i keep thinking there's a transition ahead. a big one. like something life-changing is about to happen...but maybe this is it. it doesn't seem that big to me, except that it's different than what i've done before...but it's still the same place and doing the same thing which is why it doesn't feel life-changing. i'm so confused.

Jesus, help. Make my heart chase after your dreams and open my eyes to see what I may just be missing because I've wanted my own dreams for so long. I know you love me. I know your plans are good. I want to recognize them and be excited about them, even if they look different that what I wanted.

i'm not sure what HE is up to
and there's some fear in that
but i have to be honest...
i want to GO
and everyday
there's a little less fear
and a lot more of me
wanting to GO
i have no idea WHERE
i have no idea WHEN
i have no idea HOW
i'm not even sure WHAT
but i know WHY...
and everyday
i'm a little more ready
and i can't wait to GO

stop

stop telling me i'm not good enough
stop looking at me like i'm crazy
stop treating me like i'm stupid
stop it
stop making promises you can't keep
stop forgetting about me
stop flirting if you don't mean it
stop saying i need more
stop it
stop lying to me
stop talking about me behind my back
stop trying to make me feel insignificant
stop feeling sorry for me
stop it. stop it. stop it.

i know who i am
i know WHOSE i am
and He wins.

becoming who i was meant to be

i had a conversation today that hit me so hard i'm still trying to catch my breath. she was reading my mind...my heart...and she didn't even know it. or maybe she did. one of the things that amazes me about God is the way He uses other people to speak into our lives. her words came at the perfect time, and i didn't even realize until she said them that it was exactly what i needed in that moment. this moment. and in the moments to come. i get so caught up in being concerned about other peoples' opinions - their "measuring sticks" - and stuck on my own as well...that i forget that God is pleased with me. "until you KNOW that you are who and what He wants, it will waste your time and delay the release of what He has for you." who i am is enough for Him. why can't it be enough for me? whatever the answer, i'm about to let go of all the sticks i use to measure myself and my abilities. i'm about to ignore the sticks others use to measure me. i'm about to drown myself in the truth of who i am...HIS...so that i can become who i was meant to be...and be released into what i was created for.

all filled up

there's A LOT going on right now. mostly i don't have time to think very long or process what i'm thinking. i feel very upside down. but today was a good day. know why? i spent the entire day up at camp (save for the drive there and back) doing the training before camp starts in a couple of weeks. the day was LONG and tiring, but i left feeling so full. i feel honored to be part of making a dream into a reality. blessed to be hand-picked for a job that i feel completely inadequate for...at the same time knowing that my weakness is something God can use for his glory. but mostly, i am so incredibly thankful for people who are committed to making a difference in the lives of children. these children. abused. neglected. abandoned. kids whose circumstances have begun to define them...and we have a chance to speak into their lives...showing them that their circumstances DO NOT define them. showing them what LOVE, RESPECT, & TRUST really look like. we're not doing an altar call or sharing a "4 spiritual laws" tract with them. but we ARE investing in their lives. we ARE building relationships. we WILL show them Jesus through our actions and our words...and we'll pray they meet him here...and we WILL love them. just as they are, because that is exactly the way we are loved.

random thoughts

i love my MOM. she's the best mom in the world. i love that no matter how old my mom gets, she will ALWAYS point me to Jesus...and she'll always be seeking Him first. my dad is that way too. i am so thankful for that :)

i'm lonely. i miss my friends. making new ones...or even re-connecting with "old" ones...hasn't been very easy this time around. i'm not ungrateful for the blessings i've received - in BUCKETLOADS - or the amazing goodness of God. i'm mindful that He's with me and His plans for me are good and perfect and that me being HERE...NOW...is part of that. but i'm still lonely. and i miss the ocean.

i love clean houses...and while i actually live in an apartment, i still think of it as my house because it's where i live...and i love that it is clean.

God has an amazing way of moving me into new seasons of my life with such gentleness...all the while, shifting my perspective until it looks more like His. I'm not who I was. I don't want the same things anymore. My deepest heart desires remain, but beyond that, everything has changed...and the amazing part is, I'm good with it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is completely God.

where is the music?

i can hear it
slowly fading away
but trying hard
to fight
screaming for an outlet
finding none
a glimmer of hope
then reality
it can't be
not now
maybe not ever
or perhaps just not in the way i imagine
i find myself
letting go
again
wanting
wishing
hoping
BELIEVING
that God in His infinite perfection
understands
loves
KNOWS
and will be my outlet
always
and what i desire most
is to know
to really know
that HE is enough

fighting flesh

why is it so easy to want to change and yet so hard to actually do it? i have come so far in claiming victory over sin in my life, and there is always another temptation thrown in my face. i struggle with the fact that there is ever even an argument in my own head as to why i should choose sin over freedom. i clearly had a way out and what did i do? i gave in! does it mean i'm back where i started? no, but it certainly makes me feel like a wretched waste of God's time. i often wonder how long the Lord will offer me a way out...how many times He'll forgive me before His grace runs out...and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be fully free. my heart cries out - LORD FORGIVE ME! I NEED YOU! I CANNOT FIGHT THIS FIGHT ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU EVERY MINUTE...TO STAND WITH ME AND BRING ME INTO COMPLETE FREEDOM. and in my heart, i know He hears and with new hope, i step forward, believing His desire for my freedom is even greater than my own. i sinned. i chose to bow to temptation instead of running from it. it was a moment of weakness that i will one day have to give an account for but it does not erase all that God has done. i am not my sin and i will not let it rule me. i am a beloved daughter of the King. a sinner saved by grace. purified. loved. accepted. and free.

kids

Here are a couple of conversations that will stay with me forever:

Contextualizing the conversation: I was playing a Josh Groban CD for my students)

Me: Don't you just love his voice? I love his voice. I could MARRY him.
Girl: EWWWW!
Me: *quizical* Why is that gross? He's not married. I can marry him.
Girl: *Scrunches nose and shakes head*
Me: I can't marry him?
Girl: No. You can't get married.
Me: I can't get married?
Girl: No.
Me: Why can't I get married?
Girl: Because.
Me: Because, why?
Girl: Because *pauses to think* because you're not old enough to get married!
*This girl has just earned herself a spot on the "teacher's favorites " list.*

Contextualizing the conversation: I was working with a small group of students, helping them put together a "book" where they had to place a picture of a hen onto their page according to the preposition in the sentence (i.e.; across, around, under, etc.).

Me: So, where should we put Rosie?
Students: *pointing to the edge of the pond* Here!
Me: That's right. Can we put Rosie in the water?
Students: No!
Me: Who was in the water?
Students: The fox!
Me: That's right. Okay, go ahead and put Rosie onto your page.
Boy: *walks over with a sly grin and whispers* Teacher!
Me: What?
Boy: Teacher! I'm gonna poop Rosie in the water!
Me: *trying my best not to laugh* You're going to POOP Rosie?
Boy: *smiles, slaps himself in the head* no. i mean poot.
and then we all just started laughing for a good solid minute. yep. my students are hilarious :)

from mushy brains

these last few days have been beautiful. sunny. warm. almost everything i miss about california...except the beach. i still definitely miss the beach.

i was going to take a little nap this afternoon - i still might - because i've been so tired lately. teaching all week + coaching 3 days + training 3 days = one super tired girl...and that doesn't even count whatever i do after work and swim practice. sheesh. i need to find some equilibrium somewhere. do you know where i can buy that?

i love being part of a s.o.t. class...even though i have to leave early every week...it's good that they record each class because then i can catch the last 15 minutes during the week.

i met a man who looked like he could be the long lost twin brother of my friend aaron. it was very weird. not weird bad, just weird.

i like typing in lowercase letters. it most likely has to do with the fact that all week long i teach kids how to write "well" and so when it's my turn to write, i like to just type and not think about whether my sentence started with a capital letter or that my "i's" were capitalized whenever they were "standing alone." someone once told me they thought i was angry because i sent an e-mail that didn't have any capital letters or punctuation, which i thought was funny...because in my own mind, if i were angry, my e-mails might look more like THIS.

i'm falling asleep while typing. this is not a good sign. i need a nap, for sure.

i'm taking kevin up on his recommendation to read john 14-17 in one sitting for an entire week. i'm going to go start right now...who knows, maybe it will inspire more blogging since i've been absent for awhile.

i will carry you to Jesus

i should be sleeping. but i can't yet. there's so much to do. so much to say. and yet i'm not sure i feel like blurting it out yet. it's amazing how quickly life can change. there are so many people in my life right now who are going through HARD stuff. sickness...miscarriages...financial struggles...and a baby's uncertain future. i really wish i had a magic wand right now. i'd make the sickness go away. i'd fix the broken heart of the woman who so desperately wants to be a mother, but has lost her baby...twice. i'd give money for the vehicle, the ministry, the cause. i'd make sure that baby's lungs developed completely and move her organs into the right place so that she LIVES and so that her parents don't have to worry if she'll even take her first breath. my heart BURNS for the broken and i feel so powerless. so i weep. i weep and i pray for God to break through. these things are too big for me, but God is bigger. so i pray, knowing fully that God's answer may be different than what i want, but knowing He will answer and it will be good. i love that i get to carry them to Jesus...and i love that He's going to hold them every step of the way.

11 years is a long time

heart pouding. stomach churning. head spinning. emotions i haven't felt in a long time...about 11 years, actually. i still can't believe i did it...but i'm glad i did...at least...i think i'm glad. somewhere between joining the team and finally getting into a regular practice schedule, i decided to race again. i'm in better shape than i have been, but definitely not in the kind of shape i was in 11 years ago. competing against myself is easier than trying to compete against kids half my age, but honestly, it's just as scary. it's constantly reminding myself that i'm not going to be as fast as i was 11 years ago and it's giving myself permission to be who i am now. i did my best. i survived. i even placed in a couple of my events. i'll probably race again...because despite how frustrating it is to get killed by kids half my age...it was kind of fun getting in there again. i'm not as young as used to be...my body has been reminding me of that since yesterday...but i'm pretty sure i'm addicted. :)