all filled up

there's A LOT going on right now. mostly i don't have time to think very long or process what i'm thinking. i feel very upside down. but today was a good day. know why? i spent the entire day up at camp (save for the drive there and back) doing the training before camp starts in a couple of weeks. the day was LONG and tiring, but i left feeling so full. i feel honored to be part of making a dream into a reality. blessed to be hand-picked for a job that i feel completely inadequate for...at the same time knowing that my weakness is something God can use for his glory. but mostly, i am so incredibly thankful for people who are committed to making a difference in the lives of children. these children. abused. neglected. abandoned. kids whose circumstances have begun to define them...and we have a chance to speak into their lives...showing them that their circumstances DO NOT define them. showing them what LOVE, RESPECT, & TRUST really look like. we're not doing an altar call or sharing a "4 spiritual laws" tract with them. but we ARE investing in their lives. we ARE building relationships. we WILL show them Jesus through our actions and our words...and we'll pray they meet him here...and we WILL love them. just as they are, because that is exactly the way we are loved.

random thoughts

i love my MOM. she's the best mom in the world. i love that no matter how old my mom gets, she will ALWAYS point me to Jesus...and she'll always be seeking Him first. my dad is that way too. i am so thankful for that :)

i'm lonely. i miss my friends. making new ones...or even re-connecting with "old" ones...hasn't been very easy this time around. i'm not ungrateful for the blessings i've received - in BUCKETLOADS - or the amazing goodness of God. i'm mindful that He's with me and His plans for me are good and perfect and that me being HERE...NOW...is part of that. but i'm still lonely. and i miss the ocean.

i love clean houses...and while i actually live in an apartment, i still think of it as my house because it's where i live...and i love that it is clean.

God has an amazing way of moving me into new seasons of my life with such gentleness...all the while, shifting my perspective until it looks more like His. I'm not who I was. I don't want the same things anymore. My deepest heart desires remain, but beyond that, everything has changed...and the amazing part is, I'm good with it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is completely God.

where is the music?

i can hear it
slowly fading away
but trying hard
to fight
screaming for an outlet
finding none
a glimmer of hope
then reality
it can't be
not now
maybe not ever
or perhaps just not in the way i imagine
i find myself
letting go
again
wanting
wishing
hoping
BELIEVING
that God in His infinite perfection
understands
loves
KNOWS
and will be my outlet
always
and what i desire most
is to know
to really know
that HE is enough

fighting flesh

why is it so easy to want to change and yet so hard to actually do it? i have come so far in claiming victory over sin in my life, and there is always another temptation thrown in my face. i struggle with the fact that there is ever even an argument in my own head as to why i should choose sin over freedom. i clearly had a way out and what did i do? i gave in! does it mean i'm back where i started? no, but it certainly makes me feel like a wretched waste of God's time. i often wonder how long the Lord will offer me a way out...how many times He'll forgive me before His grace runs out...and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be fully free. my heart cries out - LORD FORGIVE ME! I NEED YOU! I CANNOT FIGHT THIS FIGHT ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU EVERY MINUTE...TO STAND WITH ME AND BRING ME INTO COMPLETE FREEDOM. and in my heart, i know He hears and with new hope, i step forward, believing His desire for my freedom is even greater than my own. i sinned. i chose to bow to temptation instead of running from it. it was a moment of weakness that i will one day have to give an account for but it does not erase all that God has done. i am not my sin and i will not let it rule me. i am a beloved daughter of the King. a sinner saved by grace. purified. loved. accepted. and free.

kids

Here are a couple of conversations that will stay with me forever:

Contextualizing the conversation: I was playing a Josh Groban CD for my students)

Me: Don't you just love his voice? I love his voice. I could MARRY him.
Girl: EWWWW!
Me: *quizical* Why is that gross? He's not married. I can marry him.
Girl: *Scrunches nose and shakes head*
Me: I can't marry him?
Girl: No. You can't get married.
Me: I can't get married?
Girl: No.
Me: Why can't I get married?
Girl: Because.
Me: Because, why?
Girl: Because *pauses to think* because you're not old enough to get married!
*This girl has just earned herself a spot on the "teacher's favorites " list.*

Contextualizing the conversation: I was working with a small group of students, helping them put together a "book" where they had to place a picture of a hen onto their page according to the preposition in the sentence (i.e.; across, around, under, etc.).

Me: So, where should we put Rosie?
Students: *pointing to the edge of the pond* Here!
Me: That's right. Can we put Rosie in the water?
Students: No!
Me: Who was in the water?
Students: The fox!
Me: That's right. Okay, go ahead and put Rosie onto your page.
Boy: *walks over with a sly grin and whispers* Teacher!
Me: What?
Boy: Teacher! I'm gonna poop Rosie in the water!
Me: *trying my best not to laugh* You're going to POOP Rosie?
Boy: *smiles, slaps himself in the head* no. i mean poot.
and then we all just started laughing for a good solid minute. yep. my students are hilarious :)

from mushy brains

these last few days have been beautiful. sunny. warm. almost everything i miss about california...except the beach. i still definitely miss the beach.

i was going to take a little nap this afternoon - i still might - because i've been so tired lately. teaching all week + coaching 3 days + training 3 days = one super tired girl...and that doesn't even count whatever i do after work and swim practice. sheesh. i need to find some equilibrium somewhere. do you know where i can buy that?

i love being part of a s.o.t. class...even though i have to leave early every week...it's good that they record each class because then i can catch the last 15 minutes during the week.

i met a man who looked like he could be the long lost twin brother of my friend aaron. it was very weird. not weird bad, just weird.

i like typing in lowercase letters. it most likely has to do with the fact that all week long i teach kids how to write "well" and so when it's my turn to write, i like to just type and not think about whether my sentence started with a capital letter or that my "i's" were capitalized whenever they were "standing alone." someone once told me they thought i was angry because i sent an e-mail that didn't have any capital letters or punctuation, which i thought was funny...because in my own mind, if i were angry, my e-mails might look more like THIS.

i'm falling asleep while typing. this is not a good sign. i need a nap, for sure.

i'm taking kevin up on his recommendation to read john 14-17 in one sitting for an entire week. i'm going to go start right now...who knows, maybe it will inspire more blogging since i've been absent for awhile.

i will carry you to Jesus

i should be sleeping. but i can't yet. there's so much to do. so much to say. and yet i'm not sure i feel like blurting it out yet. it's amazing how quickly life can change. there are so many people in my life right now who are going through HARD stuff. sickness...miscarriages...financial struggles...and a baby's uncertain future. i really wish i had a magic wand right now. i'd make the sickness go away. i'd fix the broken heart of the woman who so desperately wants to be a mother, but has lost her baby...twice. i'd give money for the vehicle, the ministry, the cause. i'd make sure that baby's lungs developed completely and move her organs into the right place so that she LIVES and so that her parents don't have to worry if she'll even take her first breath. my heart BURNS for the broken and i feel so powerless. so i weep. i weep and i pray for God to break through. these things are too big for me, but God is bigger. so i pray, knowing fully that God's answer may be different than what i want, but knowing He will answer and it will be good. i love that i get to carry them to Jesus...and i love that He's going to hold them every step of the way.

11 years is a long time

heart pouding. stomach churning. head spinning. emotions i haven't felt in a long time...about 11 years, actually. i still can't believe i did it...but i'm glad i did...at least...i think i'm glad. somewhere between joining the team and finally getting into a regular practice schedule, i decided to race again. i'm in better shape than i have been, but definitely not in the kind of shape i was in 11 years ago. competing against myself is easier than trying to compete against kids half my age, but honestly, it's just as scary. it's constantly reminding myself that i'm not going to be as fast as i was 11 years ago and it's giving myself permission to be who i am now. i did my best. i survived. i even placed in a couple of my events. i'll probably race again...because despite how frustrating it is to get killed by kids half my age...it was kind of fun getting in there again. i'm not as young as used to be...my body has been reminding me of that since yesterday...but i'm pretty sure i'm addicted. :)

the messes we make

Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly feel like everything went horribly wrong and you're not really sure how you got to that place, but you wish you could rewind and fix wherever the problem started? I've had a few of those recently. Miscommunication is...I suppose...part of the human condition. Something messy. Something painful. Something unavoidable. Being a "people pleaser" by nature, I just want everyone to be happy all the time...so I don't like miscommunication...ESPECIALLY if I'm the one who didn't communicate well and end up hurting people in the process. UGH. People who know me well, know that my love and friendship are REAL and DEEP and SO LOYAL...but even that doesn't keep me from being a crappy human sometimes. I honestly don't know that much could have been done differently in these most recent situations...more time...clearer communication on all sides...and I am really great at over-analyzing and beating myself up about things, so I may be freaking out over nothing...but when relationships get damaged because of something I did - whether I meant to or not - it really sucks. I've apologized...from the deepest places of my heart...but I don't know if that's enough...and I hate that.

unbelievably unexpected

thursday night. driving home from a LATE night at work. exhausted from a LONG week. went to the mailbox...just like i do every day after work. an unexpected envelope from someone who loves me. an earthly expression of a God who loves me infinitely more than i could ever deserve. the contents? a check to cover the cost of a ticket to california during my christmas break. tears. so many tears. an unbelievable and undeserved gift that leaves me speechless and humble at the feet of God.

uncomfortable comfort

So, I've been assessing whether I can go back to California during my Christmas vacation. On the one hand, I long to see familiar faces...sit in familiar spaces...and be wrapped in more love than I deserve. On the other hand, I've been prayerfully working toward getting out of debt for a long time now and I find myself standing on the edge of a cliff...wondering...wanting...wishing...and yet knowing. Last year was a time of financial freedom I had never experienced, but it came at an emotional price I wasn't prepared for...and even though it is difficult to be disciplined in my spending habits, I wouldn't trade the uncomfortable comfort of being where I am right now for the pricey freedom I experienced last year. I know God will provide...He already has, in more ways than I deserve...and I know that just as I keep walking in faith, we'll get there. He'll do it...in His time...in the most perfect way possible. I'll bet Yosemite is beautiful in the Spring...

learning to love again

moving. it's this crazy thing that often brings out so many emotions you'd never expect. i've been away from "home" for nearly two months. there have been many things that have made this transition easier than i expected...being a familiar place, re-connecting with familiar faces, loving my kids from the moment i met them...but it's been hard at the same time. i don't know if that part will ever really go away. leaving is ALWAYS hard for me. maybe it's because i love SO deeply...and it doesn't take very long for me to get there either. i had a conversation with a parent of a student the other day and he was concerned because his daughter was having a really hard time, emotionally. in the short span of a month, she's started kindergarten, the family has moved to a new house, and they had to give their dog away because their yard isn't big enough for a dog. her dad was concerned because his sweet little girl seems to be taking things really hard. i reassured him that she'll bounce back by telling him about all the times i've moved in my life and that, eventually, i was okay...in fact eventually i fell in love with wherever i was. this whole conversation got me thinking about the process i go through whenever i move. honestly, it takes me about a year before i'm willing to put down solid roots...because i'm afraid i'll just move away again...it's this funny thing because i love people so quickly and yet when i first move somewhere i put up this wall because i get scared i'll have to say goodbye to really amazing people before i've really had a chance to know them. then i think about my job. teaching is like that, you can pretty much guarantee you'll only teach each group for a year (well, 9 months really). that's all you have. i don't hold back with them. i can love those kids from the second i lay eyes on them and that love lasts FOREVER. so i've made a decision...scary as it may be. all i have is right now...this moment...the people who are in my life - whether you're HERE or THERE -...and i'm going to treasure it...because that's what love is really about. treasuring the time we have RIGHT NOW...because we've never been promised more than that.

french fries

We've been learning about apples in my Kindergarten class. We've had lots of conversations about how there are different kinds of apples and I have asked the kids to tell me which color of apples is their favorite kind. One day, while coloring an apple booklet, a girl came up to me and said....
"Teacher, I like all three colors of apples."
"Really?"
"Uh huh. I like green apples because they're sour. I like yellow apples because they're super good. I like red apples because they taste like french fries."
I looked at her in amazement and asked, "Red apples taste like french fries?"
Without cracking a smile she said, "Yep. To me they do."

Hmmm...maybe I should eat more Red apples...

Exhale

July seems so far away now. I was getting ready for the move...excited and scared...holding my breath until life started to become normal again...whatever that means. Today is my sissy's birthday. As I was thinking about what to write in her card, I realized that I am really glad to be here to celebrate with her today, not because I'm visiting, but because this is where I LIVE now. There's still so much going on inside of me...missing friends...trying to make sense of all that is new about a place I once called home...but today I'm thankful that I can finally exhale a bit of what I've been holding onto since July. I don't know if I feel "normal" yet, but I feel like God is just asking me to be here and to find Him in the midst of it...and I am.

Happy Birthday, Mana ;)

every moment

it's official. i'm moving. to oregon. weird. i should be happy. i AM happy...but today there was sadness. sadness because i realized just how much i'm going to miss this place. the love. the feeling of family. ugh. i HATE goodbyes. how all of this came about was such a complete and total GOD thing...so i KNOW it's going to be good...but my heart is still torn within me. excited about the people i'll get to see again - it's been a long time - and aching because i have to let go. it's not that we won't still be friends...but it will be different...it's ALWAYS different. leaving home. coming here. finding home...only to leave again. this place, the people, so much love...something i will treasure always...but now it's time for a new adventure. i hope i find home again...and i hope they won't forget me...because i CAN'T forget them...or this.

PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!

well, it's done. for now. i've just finished answering 7 of the most difficult essay questions EVER. i'd like to say they were for that paper i'm supposed to be writing...the one that's due June 15th, but no. they were for a job application. tomorrow is mailing day. i'm sending off 5 application packets that represent 17 different positions i've applied for. 15 in washington, 2 in oregon. that's right. i said oregon and washington. the end of may came and went without any hits from santa cruz county, so i expanded the search to include oregon and washington. now, whoever picks me first WINS.

i used to know EXACTLY what i wanted. i mean, it was simple. i wanted to be in santa cruz. now, i don't know what i want, except that i want to be where GOD wants me. there are pros and cons to every place i've applied and i change my mind DAILY. today i shared with some very dear people that i might not be at vintage faith after this month. that was NOT my favorite...lots of tears on my part...but totally expected since vf has been my family and my home for the last 3 years. the cool part was how much love i felt from the people i talked to. it was just another awesome reminder of the way that God provided for me in a place i wasn't too excited about to begin with (sorry California folk ;) ). but that's not really the point of this blog.

the point is this: i need your prayers. there is so much going on with me right now, with the end of the school year only 2 weeks (9 school days) away, that paper that i REALLY need to write, moving out of my classroom, saying goodbye to the people i've worked with for the last 5 years, oh yeah...and moving at the end of the month to a destination yet unknown. WHEW! it's kind of a lot to deal with...and those of you who know me well, know my tendency to breathe it all in at once instead of taking it one step at a time. so if you have some time, please pray for me. pray that i will keep focused, that i will listen and allow God to direct my steps each day, and that i will continue to trust in His good, pleasing, and perfect will. thank you, in advance, for your prayers and i look forward to sharing with you who picked me and where God is taking me next! :)

toxic

i want to help
i offer it and i am pushed aside
everything within me screams - PLEASE LET ME HELP!
they just sit there
acting like i wouldn't be any help
and i wonder why i bother at all
they spend so much time being angry
they forget i have something to offer
they forget that i have so much love
for them...for ALL of them
life is different than it was
but it doesn't make me love them less
or blind and callous to their need
please let me help...what are you so afraid of?

popsicles anyone?

well, here is some amazing news...especially if you haven't heard yet! :)

I wanted to let you know that God has answered your prayers with a huge YESSSSS! :) Mom was able to drink the sweet stuff before her CT Scan without too much of a problem and my parents met with her doctor at 4pm. Her CT Scan was totally clear!!! :) All of her bloodwork looked good and her white blood cell count is totally back to normal!!! :) So, she scheduled her 3 month check-up and in my mom's words, "We're blowin' this popsicle stand!" Thank you, again and again and again for your faithful prayers!!!!!!

Please do pray that everything goes smoothly with her port removal on Monday (and subsequent recovery), that the rest of my mom's body would get back to "normal," and also for the move back to Alaska. Mom, Dad, Cindy, Jeremy, and I are all going to Canada at the end of next week to help get a camp ready for the summer session of campers - and for some family time - and it looks like we have lots more to celebrate! :) WA-HOOOO!!! God is good...so, SO good and He is faithful always!

Love,
René

more than i can say

it's been a while since i blogged. maybe i've been subconsciously waiting because i don't have BIG news to share yet...and maybe i've just been feeling like i don't have much to say. who knows...but i DO have some fun news. i got a piano yesterday! i'm so beyond excited that i can't even explain. it's not a steinway baby grand or anything, but it's mine and it was free. my friend brynn gave it to me...because she's rad and she had to find a new home for it. i think she was sad to see it go - she's had it since she was 4 - but i think she's really glad she gave it to me, because she loves me and she knows i'll take good care of it. i wonder if God feels like that sometimes...like He wants to give us something because He knows that not only will we be blown away by the blessing, but we will take really good care of it.

a precious baby girl

She's here

She's beautiful

She's perfect

Brooklyn Grace was born on March 29, 2007. Her mommy is one of my dearest friends and I am SO blessed to be an "Auntie" to Brooklyn and her big brother Aiden. I went to visit Stef and Brooklyn in the hospital on Friday and I was there when Aiden met "Bookins" for the very first time. I've seen A LOT of really cute things in my life - I'm around kids a lot...it happens - but I have never had my heart MELT the way it did when Aiden saw his baby sister and tried to feed her crackers...or when he said "Mommy, HOME!" because he just wanted Stef and Brooklyn to go home with him that very minute. Love is easy for kids...and it's so perfect and pure and completely heart-melting. That was SUCH a beautiful day.