not the same

often times a personal transformation is more evident to an outside observer than it is to the one who is being changed. this has almost always been the case for me. in every aspect of my life. i recently came through the most challenging season of my life. it was my own personal hell, actually. it lasted a thousand days longer than i thought it should have. it was more painful than i could have imagined. and it was the farthest thing from "my favorite" that you can get. as a daughter of a good, faithful, and incredibly kind Father, i knew He would keep me safe and i knew i could trust Him. but it was still the hardest thing i'd ever done. and even in trusting He was with me, i never could have imagined the beauty that was coming. the redemption. along the way, people told me how they could see a difference in me. "can't you see it? don't you feel it?" to which i replied "yes" with great uncertainty. i wanted to believe i was changing, that all of this hell somehow had a purpose beyond what my limited understanding was telling me. but i could not. it was as if i didn't dare hope that i was really changing.

then, slowly, as if time no longer mattered, the lover of my soul lifted the veil from my eyes and i could finally see and believe and trust that i really was becoming someone different. someone healthy. someone free. and the pain. and the thousands of tears. were instantly worth it. i would not wish to go through a hell like that again, not ever. but i had a new understanding that i was not the same. and when someone would say, "can you see it? don't you feel it?" i could reply with the most certain "Yes" i've ever spoken and then smile wider than i've ever smiled. because it was true. i've spent more than two months with this new understanding and i keep catching myself being ridiculously grateful for it. all of it. for so many reasons.

i was hit with gratitude again tonight, as i sat on a couch with my head back and tears streaming down my face. and i had a revelation. something i hadn't really thought much about before that moment. i really am my real self. i'm not hiding behind masks anymore. i'm not hiding behind fear. i'm not hiding behind rejection. i am standing with the strong arms of my lover wrapped tightly, securely around me. and my heart is toward Him. and with each breath, i am walking out the truth of who i really am. a relationally healthy, deeply passionate, extravagantly generous, tenacious, compassionate lover of God whose heart is ever expanding with love for His people. a worshiper whose praise moves the heart of the Father bringing healing and wholeness as people encounter His presence. a beautiful daughter filled with His Spirit and carrying His authority.

this me. the real me. she can stay.