do you love me?

what is it to love? to really deeply love?

it is not: having every answer, giving great advice, or solving another's crisis

it is: constant faith for another, being steadfast in a storm, being unafraid of tears, walking alongside and sometimes carrying another to the Father as many times as it takes, being comfortable with silence, trusting the Father for what is yet seen, and laying down your life because you believe they are worth it.

my heart is so heavy these days. the burdens of the ones i love feel like a thousand pounds of shattered dreams. it used to be this weight was too much for me to carry. i was so easily crushed by the brokenness of others because i was suffocating under the weight of my own. from the depths of my soul, i have learned to love. to give it. to receive it. so, while the weight of their pain is great, and my heart aches for them, i am not drowning anymore. in my freedom, i remain steadfast. i have faith for them. tears for them. and i trust the Father and His heart for them. i will walk alongside and i will carry them as long as it takes. and i am not afraid. i have great hope and i will continue believing, because i know redemption is coming. and i know it will be good.

insomnia?

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would spend hours watching movies or tv.

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would eat.

it used to be.

over the course of the past seven months or so, i haven't been sleeping well. or as much as i would like to. or even as much as i feel like my body needs. i love sleeping. really, i do. but you know what's amazing? i'm surviving without it. i dare say i'm thriving. what's the difference? for me, when i wake up in the middle of the night - thinking i've slept all night and then realizing i've only slept for 2 hours - my eyes and my heart are almost immediately turned to Him. i usually ask Him why i'm awake. sometimes whatever dream i just woke from takes me immediately to intercession. sometimes i tell Him i love Him and roll over and go back to sleep. sometimes i cry. sometimes i pray. sometimes i worship. sometimes i read. sometimes i think. but i don't eat. and i don't spend hours watching movies or tv. even during normal hours of the day - the non-sleeping ones - these habits have changed. i have changed. i'm not eating all the time or making unhealthy food choices. i'm not watching hours upon hours of whatever on the internet. i love that in the midst of my sleep deprivation, i am still moving forward in health. i love even MORE that my gaze is toward Him, that my heart burns every single time He says my name, and that not even sleep - or the lack of it - can keep me from His heart.