twice upon an august

every year it's a different experience...and i dare say it just keeps getting better.
girls camp was hard because there were some campers who just really didn't want to be there and didn't want to participate. as a worshipper all i could think was how much they are missing out on...because worshipping through song is totally my favorite. i loved leading them in worship because despite their best attempts at being a distraction, those girls didn't stop the rest of them from singing with their hearts to Jesus and it was beautiful. :) during girls camp, God gave me some really great lessons in grace. i'd love to say i showed grace all the time, but let's be real - i failed more than once. in the end, though, i came away loving those girls even more and with a deeper burning in my heart to see their lives made whole...and ultimately for them to know the depth of the Father's love for them.

boys camp was so good. :) except for the yellow jackets. i really have some serious anxiety and it was heightened by about a million as they were just out of control and EVERYWHERE. God proved himself as protector as there were only a few stings/bites the whole weekend and most of those happened to staff, not campers. worship was a completely different experience for me at boys camp. perhaps because of my own angst as a middle/high schooler...and the fact that i was pretty sure all boys disliked me...i experienced a bit of fear over whether i should lead them in certain songs (because maybe they were too "girly"). hahaha. so funny. the Lord kept saying just sing to me. the first morning, there was a boy in tears over the words of one of the songs we sang. the Lord was whispering to his heart in that moment and reminding that young boy that he was not alone and that God loved him so deeply. the next morning, the assistant director decided we would brave the outdoor amphitheater - bees and all - for worship and teaching time. i was not pleased...in fact...it would be fair to say that i was freaking out. i tried really hard not to cry and as the bees were buzzing around me, it was all i could do to keep singing and playing. i was so distracted. during the last song, a bee nearly landed on my lips. not good. i swatted it away, finished the song while trying to keep my composure, and then practically ran up the hill to the safety of the garage to eat breakfast. then i lost it. i felt like i had ruined worship because i was so internally anxious and distracted by the stupid bees. the same boy who was in tears the day before had come up to the garage for some coffee and he came over and said, "You sing good." :) i thanked him. later that day, he told me the same thing and one of the staff members also came to me and thanked me for leading worship because, "nobody else could do what you do." i think i probably laughed at God because i knew every wrong note i'd played...every crack in my voice...every moment where i could barely sing because i was so afraid...and God used it. all of it. the last morning, i woke up grumpy. i was getting irritated right and left by silly little things and i felt super impatient and frustrated. there was no reason for it, aside from a lack of sleep...but even that isn't a reason to be a grouch. worship was down at the amphitheater again, but because they had sprayed the night before, the bees seemed to be a little less active...and yet i'm certain i was more distracted than ever. it was this strange flip-flop between feeling totally connected with God and totally disconnected in the next moment. i left feeling like it was the worst worship set i'd ever led and i felt like i had failed to bring Jesus to those boys. i was wrong. again. a couple of different people told me it was the best worship they'd had all weekend?!

my prayer in worship has always been: let me be so tapped into your heart that when the song comes, it ushers your presence into the atmosphere and lives are transformed.

i am so thankful that in spite of our shortcomings, God uses us to accomplish what He wants and i am certain i had nothing to do with what happened over the course of the weekend, aside from showing up and desiring to participate. i once heard someone say that God is going to do whatever He is going to do, with or without us. what i was reminded of this weekend is that he doesn't need us...but he wants us...and oh how he loves us...junk and all.