i will carry you to Jesus

i should be sleeping. but i can't yet. there's so much to do. so much to say. and yet i'm not sure i feel like blurting it out yet. it's amazing how quickly life can change. there are so many people in my life right now who are going through HARD stuff. sickness...miscarriages...financial struggles...and a baby's uncertain future. i really wish i had a magic wand right now. i'd make the sickness go away. i'd fix the broken heart of the woman who so desperately wants to be a mother, but has lost her baby...twice. i'd give money for the vehicle, the ministry, the cause. i'd make sure that baby's lungs developed completely and move her organs into the right place so that she LIVES and so that her parents don't have to worry if she'll even take her first breath. my heart BURNS for the broken and i feel so powerless. so i weep. i weep and i pray for God to break through. these things are too big for me, but God is bigger. so i pray, knowing fully that God's answer may be different than what i want, but knowing He will answer and it will be good. i love that i get to carry them to Jesus...and i love that He's going to hold them every step of the way.

11 years is a long time

heart pouding. stomach churning. head spinning. emotions i haven't felt in a long time...about 11 years, actually. i still can't believe i did it...but i'm glad i did...at least...i think i'm glad. somewhere between joining the team and finally getting into a regular practice schedule, i decided to race again. i'm in better shape than i have been, but definitely not in the kind of shape i was in 11 years ago. competing against myself is easier than trying to compete against kids half my age, but honestly, it's just as scary. it's constantly reminding myself that i'm not going to be as fast as i was 11 years ago and it's giving myself permission to be who i am now. i did my best. i survived. i even placed in a couple of my events. i'll probably race again...because despite how frustrating it is to get killed by kids half my age...it was kind of fun getting in there again. i'm not as young as used to be...my body has been reminding me of that since yesterday...but i'm pretty sure i'm addicted. :)

the messes we make

Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly feel like everything went horribly wrong and you're not really sure how you got to that place, but you wish you could rewind and fix wherever the problem started? I've had a few of those recently. Miscommunication is...I suppose...part of the human condition. Something messy. Something painful. Something unavoidable. Being a "people pleaser" by nature, I just want everyone to be happy all the time...so I don't like miscommunication...ESPECIALLY if I'm the one who didn't communicate well and end up hurting people in the process. UGH. People who know me well, know that my love and friendship are REAL and DEEP and SO LOYAL...but even that doesn't keep me from being a crappy human sometimes. I honestly don't know that much could have been done differently in these most recent situations...more time...clearer communication on all sides...and I am really great at over-analyzing and beating myself up about things, so I may be freaking out over nothing...but when relationships get damaged because of something I did - whether I meant to or not - it really sucks. I've apologized...from the deepest places of my heart...but I don't know if that's enough...and I hate that.

unbelievably unexpected

thursday night. driving home from a LATE night at work. exhausted from a LONG week. went to the mailbox...just like i do every day after work. an unexpected envelope from someone who loves me. an earthly expression of a God who loves me infinitely more than i could ever deserve. the contents? a check to cover the cost of a ticket to california during my christmas break. tears. so many tears. an unbelievable and undeserved gift that leaves me speechless and humble at the feet of God.

uncomfortable comfort

So, I've been assessing whether I can go back to California during my Christmas vacation. On the one hand, I long to see familiar faces...sit in familiar spaces...and be wrapped in more love than I deserve. On the other hand, I've been prayerfully working toward getting out of debt for a long time now and I find myself standing on the edge of a cliff...wondering...wanting...wishing...and yet knowing. Last year was a time of financial freedom I had never experienced, but it came at an emotional price I wasn't prepared for...and even though it is difficult to be disciplined in my spending habits, I wouldn't trade the uncomfortable comfort of being where I am right now for the pricey freedom I experienced last year. I know God will provide...He already has, in more ways than I deserve...and I know that just as I keep walking in faith, we'll get there. He'll do it...in His time...in the most perfect way possible. I'll bet Yosemite is beautiful in the Spring...

learning to love again

moving. it's this crazy thing that often brings out so many emotions you'd never expect. i've been away from "home" for nearly two months. there have been many things that have made this transition easier than i expected...being a familiar place, re-connecting with familiar faces, loving my kids from the moment i met them...but it's been hard at the same time. i don't know if that part will ever really go away. leaving is ALWAYS hard for me. maybe it's because i love SO deeply...and it doesn't take very long for me to get there either. i had a conversation with a parent of a student the other day and he was concerned because his daughter was having a really hard time, emotionally. in the short span of a month, she's started kindergarten, the family has moved to a new house, and they had to give their dog away because their yard isn't big enough for a dog. her dad was concerned because his sweet little girl seems to be taking things really hard. i reassured him that she'll bounce back by telling him about all the times i've moved in my life and that, eventually, i was okay...in fact eventually i fell in love with wherever i was. this whole conversation got me thinking about the process i go through whenever i move. honestly, it takes me about a year before i'm willing to put down solid roots...because i'm afraid i'll just move away again...it's this funny thing because i love people so quickly and yet when i first move somewhere i put up this wall because i get scared i'll have to say goodbye to really amazing people before i've really had a chance to know them. then i think about my job. teaching is like that, you can pretty much guarantee you'll only teach each group for a year (well, 9 months really). that's all you have. i don't hold back with them. i can love those kids from the second i lay eyes on them and that love lasts FOREVER. so i've made a decision...scary as it may be. all i have is right now...this moment...the people who are in my life - whether you're HERE or THERE -...and i'm going to treasure it...because that's what love is really about. treasuring the time we have RIGHT NOW...because we've never been promised more than that.

french fries

We've been learning about apples in my Kindergarten class. We've had lots of conversations about how there are different kinds of apples and I have asked the kids to tell me which color of apples is their favorite kind. One day, while coloring an apple booklet, a girl came up to me and said....
"Teacher, I like all three colors of apples."
"Really?"
"Uh huh. I like green apples because they're sour. I like yellow apples because they're super good. I like red apples because they taste like french fries."
I looked at her in amazement and asked, "Red apples taste like french fries?"
Without cracking a smile she said, "Yep. To me they do."

Hmmm...maybe I should eat more Red apples...

Exhale

July seems so far away now. I was getting ready for the move...excited and scared...holding my breath until life started to become normal again...whatever that means. Today is my sissy's birthday. As I was thinking about what to write in her card, I realized that I am really glad to be here to celebrate with her today, not because I'm visiting, but because this is where I LIVE now. There's still so much going on inside of me...missing friends...trying to make sense of all that is new about a place I once called home...but today I'm thankful that I can finally exhale a bit of what I've been holding onto since July. I don't know if I feel "normal" yet, but I feel like God is just asking me to be here and to find Him in the midst of it...and I am.

Happy Birthday, Mana ;)

every moment

it's official. i'm moving. to oregon. weird. i should be happy. i AM happy...but today there was sadness. sadness because i realized just how much i'm going to miss this place. the love. the feeling of family. ugh. i HATE goodbyes. how all of this came about was such a complete and total GOD thing...so i KNOW it's going to be good...but my heart is still torn within me. excited about the people i'll get to see again - it's been a long time - and aching because i have to let go. it's not that we won't still be friends...but it will be different...it's ALWAYS different. leaving home. coming here. finding home...only to leave again. this place, the people, so much love...something i will treasure always...but now it's time for a new adventure. i hope i find home again...and i hope they won't forget me...because i CAN'T forget them...or this.

PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!

well, it's done. for now. i've just finished answering 7 of the most difficult essay questions EVER. i'd like to say they were for that paper i'm supposed to be writing...the one that's due June 15th, but no. they were for a job application. tomorrow is mailing day. i'm sending off 5 application packets that represent 17 different positions i've applied for. 15 in washington, 2 in oregon. that's right. i said oregon and washington. the end of may came and went without any hits from santa cruz county, so i expanded the search to include oregon and washington. now, whoever picks me first WINS.

i used to know EXACTLY what i wanted. i mean, it was simple. i wanted to be in santa cruz. now, i don't know what i want, except that i want to be where GOD wants me. there are pros and cons to every place i've applied and i change my mind DAILY. today i shared with some very dear people that i might not be at vintage faith after this month. that was NOT my favorite...lots of tears on my part...but totally expected since vf has been my family and my home for the last 3 years. the cool part was how much love i felt from the people i talked to. it was just another awesome reminder of the way that God provided for me in a place i wasn't too excited about to begin with (sorry California folk ;) ). but that's not really the point of this blog.

the point is this: i need your prayers. there is so much going on with me right now, with the end of the school year only 2 weeks (9 school days) away, that paper that i REALLY need to write, moving out of my classroom, saying goodbye to the people i've worked with for the last 5 years, oh yeah...and moving at the end of the month to a destination yet unknown. WHEW! it's kind of a lot to deal with...and those of you who know me well, know my tendency to breathe it all in at once instead of taking it one step at a time. so if you have some time, please pray for me. pray that i will keep focused, that i will listen and allow God to direct my steps each day, and that i will continue to trust in His good, pleasing, and perfect will. thank you, in advance, for your prayers and i look forward to sharing with you who picked me and where God is taking me next! :)

toxic

i want to help
i offer it and i am pushed aside
everything within me screams - PLEASE LET ME HELP!
they just sit there
acting like i wouldn't be any help
and i wonder why i bother at all
they spend so much time being angry
they forget i have something to offer
they forget that i have so much love
for them...for ALL of them
life is different than it was
but it doesn't make me love them less
or blind and callous to their need
please let me help...what are you so afraid of?

popsicles anyone?

well, here is some amazing news...especially if you haven't heard yet! :)

I wanted to let you know that God has answered your prayers with a huge YESSSSS! :) Mom was able to drink the sweet stuff before her CT Scan without too much of a problem and my parents met with her doctor at 4pm. Her CT Scan was totally clear!!! :) All of her bloodwork looked good and her white blood cell count is totally back to normal!!! :) So, she scheduled her 3 month check-up and in my mom's words, "We're blowin' this popsicle stand!" Thank you, again and again and again for your faithful prayers!!!!!!

Please do pray that everything goes smoothly with her port removal on Monday (and subsequent recovery), that the rest of my mom's body would get back to "normal," and also for the move back to Alaska. Mom, Dad, Cindy, Jeremy, and I are all going to Canada at the end of next week to help get a camp ready for the summer session of campers - and for some family time - and it looks like we have lots more to celebrate! :) WA-HOOOO!!! God is good...so, SO good and He is faithful always!

Love,
René

more than i can say

it's been a while since i blogged. maybe i've been subconsciously waiting because i don't have BIG news to share yet...and maybe i've just been feeling like i don't have much to say. who knows...but i DO have some fun news. i got a piano yesterday! i'm so beyond excited that i can't even explain. it's not a steinway baby grand or anything, but it's mine and it was free. my friend brynn gave it to me...because she's rad and she had to find a new home for it. i think she was sad to see it go - she's had it since she was 4 - but i think she's really glad she gave it to me, because she loves me and she knows i'll take good care of it. i wonder if God feels like that sometimes...like He wants to give us something because He knows that not only will we be blown away by the blessing, but we will take really good care of it.

a precious baby girl

She's here

She's beautiful

She's perfect

Brooklyn Grace was born on March 29, 2007. Her mommy is one of my dearest friends and I am SO blessed to be an "Auntie" to Brooklyn and her big brother Aiden. I went to visit Stef and Brooklyn in the hospital on Friday and I was there when Aiden met "Bookins" for the very first time. I've seen A LOT of really cute things in my life - I'm around kids a lot...it happens - but I have never had my heart MELT the way it did when Aiden saw his baby sister and tried to feed her crackers...or when he said "Mommy, HOME!" because he just wanted Stef and Brooklyn to go home with him that very minute. Love is easy for kids...and it's so perfect and pure and completely heart-melting. That was SUCH a beautiful day.

why does it happen?

been thinking today...thinking about how much different my relationships are now than even a year ago. people i thought i'd be close to are just gone. poof. like they weren't ever a part of my life. i have photographs and memories to prove they were there...and yet there's a space in my heart that hurts a little every time i see one of those pictures or remember one of those memories. maybe i loved them too much. maybe i didn't love them enough. clearly, we've all moved forward. i'm certainly in a better place, with better boundaries...and maybe that was the point. to learn to have better boundaries, better safeguards for my heart. in moments like this one, i think - why can't we be friends? and then i'm reminded of why i don't really want that...that God is bigger than even the smallest twinge of "missing you" that i might feel...and that change can hurt...but it's good. REAL good.

procrastination = blogging

so here's a funny story. i started writing this really long blog about how i've been procrastinating writing these two papers that i need to have finished by January 31st. it was a really great blog. i was just about finished and somehow accidentally pushed the wrong keys and poof! witty, humorous blog deleted. guess that's what i get for procrastinating. maybe i ought to get to those papers now. ugh.

(re)new

It's been awhile since I posted anything...maybe I feel like I haven't had much to say...or maybe I've been talking so much lately that I'm all "said" out. Either way, this post isn't going to be long. My church community - Vintage Faith Church - is doing an experiment of sorts as we go through our next series. It's called (re)new: the messy mysterious process of transformation. What they've decided to do is create a blog that people can write on during the worship gathering, or whenever. It's basically a forum for people to write about how they want to see God transform their lives and the process we all go through as God begins to do that work in us. I think it's a cool way for people to mentally process the spiritual process that's taking place in their lives...and the best part is that anyone can participate. I'm excited to see how it turns out! You can check it out at: www.renewtogether.blogspot.com
If you want to comment, please be respectful to the readers and writers of the blog. Thanks...and I'll try to post again soon!

i can finally breathe again

"There comes a moment each day when we must simply drop what weighs on us and hand it over to God." - Christoph Blumhardt (19th Century Pastor)

Today is one of those times. These past couple of weeks I have simly been "gettng by." It's not really in my nature to be sad or blue or maybe the word is melancholy and honestly, I have SO much to be thankful for. Even with my mom's cancer I have seen God's faithfulness. She's feeling good and God is providing for my parents...and yet, there is a sadness that I feel. I can't pinpoint the source...but I've been sitting here in the brickhouse for the past couple of hours and I've been tapping into THE SOURCE. Reading different passages of scripture and trying to unload all that I've been feeling. Thank goodness my relationship with Jesus isn't based on feelings because my feelings would say I'm not doing very well...but whenever people have asked me how I'm doing...I've been saying that I'm good...which I am...I love teaching, I have a place to live, I just got back from spending Thanksgiving with my awesome sister and her amazing husband...so what's the deal? Why the sadness...blue-ness...unsettled feeling? I was at a wedding yesterday, watching two people that I love begin a new and beautiful season as husband and wife. I LOVE weddings...especially when God wrote the story...and even then, when there is so much to be joyful about, I was feeling kind of off...maybe it was just being tired from my stupid-early (that's really early for those who don't like the word stupid) flight back from Oregon...but there is a restlessness inside of me that I cannot explain. Today in our worship gathering I could barely sing...ME...for whom singing is one of my greatest joys and most favorite ways to worship Jesus...I was nearly silent...and oh the tears that wouldn't stop. God was meeting me in those moments...reminding me that the joys, struggles, and hurts over these past months have all had purpose in teaching me to trust Jesus more than ever and in making me realize that I really am weak without His strength. Right now, in this moment, I feel hopeful that as I drop the things that weigh so heavily on me...God will take them. We sang a song this morning - okay, well I didn't really sing it, but I was screaming it inside my head and my heart.

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for finding me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for healing me
Thank you for saving me

God, thank you that you love, find, hear, heal, and save me every day...even when I feel like the world is spinning way to fast and I want to get off the ride. You are good, your love endures forever, and I will put my hope in you.

are you kidding?

that's how i feel today. how is it that God allows me to be a part of something so AMAZING? what did i ever do to deserve the blessings He pours out on me? seriously, i can't even begin to fathom the love He has for me, but i am SO thankful. the reason for this gushing of my heart? i got to sing with two fox's, a box, and a gem. i have to say that there is pretty much nothing on earth that brings me more joy than singing with those guys. helping create a space for people to experience Jesus through music is my most favorite way to worship Him. i am humbled that God has given music to me as a tool to minister to others and i pray that i NEVER take it for granted and that i NEVER forget that it is NOT ABOUT ME. i am thankful that God chose me, a filthy sinner, because i made myself available. i didn't have to do anything but open myself up to being used by Him. if you know me, you know that my heart burns with passion for music ministry and every month, i get the opportunity to share that passion with some of the most gifted musicians i've ever known...not to mention some really Godly men...and all i can say is i feel totally unworthy, but seriously blessed. thank you JESUS that you let me worship you like that.

i thought it was monday

I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking it was Monday and I was late for work. It was not the best way to start my day and I pretty much had a bummer of a day after that. I didn't do my bible study this morning - always a bad thing, in my experience - and even though I saw some fabulous friends at church and got to spend time worshipping with other people who love the heck out of Jesus...I still had a bad day. Don't you hate that? It wasn't even like one big thing happened...just a lot of little things that sort of picked away at my already fragile heart and my overstimulated brain and POOF! I was a mess. I went for a walk and got to talk to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that I should just go home and spend some time with Jesus. Did I do it? No. I came home and wasted about 2 & 1/2 hours watching t.v. and only about 1/2 hour of it was worthwhile (caught the last 1/2 hour of extreme makeover home edition...LOVE IT!). I was going to go to bed at 10:30ish and remembered I hadn't followed my mom's advice. So, I decided to do my bible study and you know what...my day would have been much different if I had done that earlier. My mom is so smart...I should listen to her all the time. Now it's really late...nearly midnight...and I have 20 1st graders who need me to get my rest. Days like today are definitely not my favorite but they remind me why I need Jesus so much. I'm a wreck without Him.