princesses and suckerpunches

i had lunch with a sweet little princess today. it was her birthday. she didn't know i was coming and she was SO HAPPY to see me. she wanted me to stay longer than i could and she didn't want to let go of me. it was - hands down - my favorite thing that happened today.

then came the suckerpunch. it was a one-two kinda punch. the one being me and the two being you. unintentional? completely. painful? yes. sorry felt like trying to put a fingertip band-aid on a broken elbow. you forgave me and showed me so much grace. but i couldn't receive it. and it still smarts. where i punched us. and i'm still sorry. but sometime, i need to believe what you've given me because there's no going back. only forward. and you know my heart better than anyone. and you trust it. so there.

i'm meeting another princess tomorrow. she knows i'm coming and she's already SO HAPPY to see me. she'll want me to stay as long as i can and she won't let go of me. it will be - hands down - my favorite thing that happens tomorrow. but i wish it were happening today.

the winter has passed

i've been trying to write about this for awhile, but i haven't been able to find the right words. it seems appropriate that on this, the first day of spring 2012, the words are forming themselves. finally. at long last...

spring came today. *sigh*

it is one of my favorite seasons...especially here.

mostly equal parts sunshine and rain.

the rainbow of blossoms bursting from the ground & opening along the branches.

so beautiful.

i could spend hours lying on a blanket under the shade of a tree...taking in the kaleidoscope of browns, blues, & greens.

delicious.

and yet, while often heart-stopping in their beauty, these things are not what i love most about spring. what i love most is that it marks the end of winter.

my "winter" began april 29th & ended exactly 4 months later. i was not well. God knew it and so did my dearest friends. i reached a breaking point and the Father asked me a question that i know i only said yes to because i was so desperate to be free. had i known that saying yes would bring so much pain, i might not have done it. He gave me a small picture of what it would be like on the other side and i said yes because i knew i could trust Him no matter what. can i just tell you how important that trust became? my heart was smashed and shattered into a thousand shards of glass and suddenly that picture became an "impossibility." but for His grace, i never would have made it through those 4 months. i would have given up. i would have quit. i would have run away. His kindness was unending. His love unrelenting and the women who walked through that space with me were greater gifts than they'll ever know. slowly, He began piecing my heart back together, fusing each shard perfectly into place. and then, just like the first crocus breaking through the snow, love broke through. my heart...well. my hope...restored. i would never want to go through a season like that again, but remember the picture He gave me before i said yes? well, i am living in it...only it is a thousand times more beautiful and amazing than what He showed me. isn't that just like Him? to do more than we can ask or think. He can't help Himself. He just loves me so much. and He keeps surprising me with more beauty that i didn't even ask for. just because He can. i love that.

so much goodness. i found myself ridiculously grateful for spring today.

winter has passed and everything is new. i am new.

nothing looks exactly the same as it did before. i don't look the same.

life is different. my life is different.

and it is unbelievably good.

looking back

i often think that i am incredibly spoiled.

mostly because i am.

i am 5 days away from the one year anniversary of one of the most significant events in my life.

my heart is more alive than it has ever been.

because He came for me.

and He continues to come for me.

a year ago, i had no idea what was about to happen.

that i was about to have an amazing encounter with my lover.

to hear and see and feel and understand for the first time

what it really meant to be in love. to be loved so deeply and to love so deeply.

and He knew exactly when to show Himself to me.

when i needed to meet His gaze and be completely undone by the intimate love He has for me. it was there that i knew i could trust Him. that no matter what He asked me to do, i would say yes. every single time. i had no idea what He would ask of me, but i knew there was never going to be a "no" on my lips. that encounter changed my life. and the sweetest part? it was just the beginning.

i know who i am

whatever it takes.

i will not give up.

i will not let go.

i will not stop fighting.

even after i'm free.

i am more determined than ever.

two's company...

considering that i probably spend about 97% of my time with married people, i'm grateful beyond words that the moments in which i feel like a "third wheel" are few and far between. truly. so so grateful. it helps make those once-in-a-blue-moon moments a bit more bearable. :)

the weapons of our warfare

sometimes i forget who i am. where i've been. what i've learned.

sometimes i forget how strong i am.

sometimes i forget to use the weapons i've been given.

it's almost as if they are so secret i don't even know they exist.

at least that's what he'd like me to believe.

there is so much brokenness in the world. sometimes i'm right in the middle of the "broken-est" seasons of my own life. sometimes i'm walking through brokenness with others. sometimes the brokenness is with those i love whom are too far away to reach with a hug. if i stare at the circumstance for too long, it can become overwhelming. and i don't know what to do. but He does. every time.

a moment was all Father needed today. to remind me who i am. where i've been. what i've learned. and how strong i am. i won't spend time wallowing in self-pity for taking my eyes off of Him or getting distracted by the voice of the accuser. instead, i will stand up, brush myself off, and stare deeply into the eyes of my Lover. He knows me better than anyone. He smiles and points me toward my weapons...the ones i've been given. we pick them up and start to work right away. first with me, then with others. wielding love...brandishing prayer...dispensing joy. i haven't slept well the last three nights, but it doesn't matter. sleep or no sleep, i am filled with the strength, love, and delight of the Father...the giver of all good gifts...and i am ready for this.

bragging on my dad

i've been a daddy's girl pretty much my whole life. he's amazing. and he loves me all the time. he is a loving husband and father. a man of integrity and influence. MY DAD. today was his last day of a 40-year career with the government. a couple weeks ago, he was honored with a distinguished service award in washington d.c. MY DAD. the executive director of the Federal Highways Administration wrote an incredible letter honoring my dad's "40 years of exceptional Federal service." did i mention it will take 2 people to do the job my dad was doing before he retired? yes two. MY DAD. we threw him a surprise party last night and he was so honored. i love that. he has never been prideful or arrogant. he has always done his best and worked with honor and integrity. he was surprised that so many people would come to honor him, but i am so glad they did. he deserves it. and now, MY DAD, deserves a little vacation. i hugged him goodbye and told him how much i loved him and how proud i was. what a legacy he has left. and you know what he said? well punkin', i love you and i'm so proud of you too. yep. that's my dad. :)