a work of grace

i know who i am

2012-02-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

whatever it takes.

i will not give up.

i will not let go.

i will not stop fighting.

even after i'm free.

i am more determined than ever.

two's company...

2012-02-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

considering that i probably spend about 97% of my time with married people, i'm grateful beyond words that the moments in which i feel like a "third wheel" are few and far between. truly. so so grateful. it helps make those once-in-a-blue-moon moments a bit more bearable. :)

the weapons of our warfare

2012-01-22T07:32:00.001-08:00

sometimes i forget who i am. where i've been. what i've learned.

sometimes i forget how strong i am.

sometimes i forget to use the weapons i've been given.

it's almost as if they are so secret i don't even know they exist.

at least that's what he'd like me to believe.

there is so much brokenness in the world. sometimes i'm right in the middle of the "broken-est" seasons of my own life. sometimes i'm walking through brokenness with others. sometimes the brokenness is with those i love whom are too far away to reach with a hug. if i stare at the circumstance for too long, it can become overwhelming. and i don't know what to do. but He does. every time.

a moment was all Father needed today. to remind me who i am. where i've been. what i've learned. and how strong i am. i won't spend time wallowing in self-pity for taking my eyes off of Him or getting distracted by the voice of the accuser. instead, i will stand up, brush myself off, and stare deeply into the eyes of my Lover. He knows me better than anyone. He smiles and points me toward my weapons...the ones i've been given. we pick them up and start to work right away. first with me, then with others. wielding love...brandishing prayer...dispensing joy. i haven't slept well the last three nights, but it doesn't matter. sleep or no sleep, i am filled with the strength, love, and delight of the Father...the giver of all good gifts...and i am ready for this.

bragging on my dad

2011-12-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

i've been a daddy's girl pretty much my whole life. he's amazing. and he loves me all the time. he is a loving husband and father. a man of integrity and influence. MY DAD. today was his last day of a 40-year career with the government. a couple weeks ago, he was honored with a distinguished service award in washington d.c. MY DAD. the executive director of the Federal Highways Administration wrote an incredible letter honoring my dad's "40 years of exceptional Federal service." did i mention it will take 2 people to do the job my dad was doing before he retired? yes two. MY DAD. we threw him a surprise party last night and he was so honored. i love that. he has never been prideful or arrogant. he has always done his best and worked with honor and integrity. he was surprised that so many people would come to honor him, but i am so glad they did. he deserves it. and now, MY DAD, deserves a little vacation. i hugged him goodbye and told him how much i loved him and how proud i was. what a legacy he has left. and you know what he said? well punkin', i love you and i'm so proud of you too. yep. that's my dad. :)

not wealthy, but so very rich

2011-12-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

if all i ever had was the deep, unending and ridiculously extravagant love of the Father...it would be enough.

yet i have so much more. "lagniappe" as my friend calls it.

i wish everyone could know the riches in love that i do.

to be surrounded by people who love me so well.

it is deep...high...long...wide...and fierce.

His love for me expressed in human form...over and over again. what beautiful gifts He gives.

if you could see inside

2011-11-11T22:45:00.000-08:00

"break my heart for what breaks Yours..." ~ from Hosanna by Hillsong United

sometimes my heart feels so fragile...like the thinnest glass...one little jolt and it all comes crashing down. my heart is broken. but i am well. how is that even possible? somewhere in these past several months i moved from a place of being broken to a place of being well in the midst of brokenness. part of being fully myself has been about learning to carry the compassion and love of the Father without being crushed by it's immensity. grasping the length and depth and breadth of His heart for me and learning to give it away. i was made for many things. one of them, like the lyric, is to have a heart that is broken for the things that break His heart. i can tell you, with absolute certainty, my heart is in that place. and the beautiful thing is while my heart feels deeply the grief of a Father, i understand that it is not meant to be a burden. and the moment i begin to feel burdened by it, i feel Him lean against me and carefully pull the weight of it back onto His shoulders. He shares it with me because He trusts me to give away love and compassion in the midst of chaos...and there is so much grace for me in this season to do exactly that. i don't do it perfectly every time...especially if i'm emotionally strung out or my eyes are not fixed only on His. but make no mistake, it is my honor to walk this road. it is my delight and my joy to give away even a fraction of what has been given to me. and to be there on the other side, when redemption comes for the broken? that is what i'm most excited about. every time.

not the same

2011-11-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

often times a personal transformation is more evident to an outside observer than it is to the one who is being changed. this has almost always been the case for me. in every aspect of my life. i recently came through the most challenging season of my life. it was my own personal hell, actually. it lasted a thousand days longer than i thought it should have. it was more painful than i could have imagined. and it was the farthest thing from "my favorite" that you can get. as a daughter of a good, faithful, and incredibly kind Father, i knew He would keep me safe and i knew i could trust Him. but it was still the hardest thing i'd ever done. and even in trusting He was with me, i never could have imagined the beauty that was coming. the redemption. along the way, people told me how they could see a difference in me. "can't you see it? don't you feel it?" to which i replied "yes" with great uncertainty. i wanted to believe i was changing, that all of this hell somehow had a purpose beyond what my limited understanding was telling me. but i could not. it was as if i didn't dare hope that i was really changing.

then, slowly, as if time no longer mattered, the lover of my soul lifted the veil from my eyes and i could finally see and believe and trust that i really was becoming someone different. someone healthy. someone free. and the pain. and the thousands of tears. were instantly worth it. i would not wish to go through a hell like that again, not ever. but i had a new understanding that i was not the same. and when someone would say, "can you see it? don't you feel it?" i could reply with the most certain "Yes" i've ever spoken and then smile wider than i've ever smiled. because it was true. i've spent more than two months with this new understanding and i keep catching myself being ridiculously grateful for it. all of it. for so many reasons.

i was hit with gratitude again tonight, as i sat on a couch with my head back and tears streaming down my face. and i had a revelation. something i hadn't really thought much about before that moment. i really am my real self. i'm not hiding behind masks anymore. i'm not hiding behind fear. i'm not hiding behind rejection. i am standing with the strong arms of my lover wrapped tightly, securely around me. and my heart is toward Him. and with each breath, i am walking out the truth of who i really am. a relationally healthy, deeply passionate, extravagantly generous, tenacious, compassionate lover of God whose heart is ever expanding with love for His people. a worshiper whose praise moves the heart of the Father bringing healing and wholeness as people encounter His presence. a beautiful daughter filled with His Spirit and carrying His authority.

this me. the real me. she can stay.

i disagree

2011-11-04T07:03:00.001-07:00

"everything happens for a reason"

"it's all part of God's plan"

no. no. no. can i just tell you? no.

these are statements i have struggled with for most of my adult life...which i suppose is much shorter than i realize sometimes, but that's not the point. what about the mother who just miscarried her baby? the girl who was just trafficked for the second time? the husband who's wife suddenly died, leaving him to care for their children on his own? the village ripped apart by a natural disaster or crushed by an evil dictator?

some things happen for no reason. they are sad. and senseless. and definitely not part of God's plan. we won't...no, we can't understand them, they just are. they are not fair things or happy things and it's okay for me to say that out loud. but then what? while i don't believe it's God's plan for horrible things to happen to us because God wants to teach us a lesson, i believe that in His sovereign and redemptive mercy, He makes a way for things to be less horrible than they could have been. it is true that He knows everything that will happen in my life. from my past to my future, it has been written. but because He is the author, He gets to make edits and changes and surprises along the way. He can walk with me through a difficult season, teaching me and giving me tools along the way that will be of great help the next time a difficulty comes. He will redeem it all and He will make all things, even the sad, horrible, tragic things work together for my good. He didn't cause them, but He can fix them. i believe Him. i trust Him. i trust His heart. and He will come...in fact, He already has.

do you love me?

2011-10-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

what is it to love? to really deeply love?

it is not: having every answer, giving great advice, or solving another's crisis

it is: constant faith for another, being steadfast in a storm, being unafraid of tears, walking alongside and sometimes carrying another to the Father as many times as it takes, being comfortable with silence, trusting the Father for what is yet seen, and laying down your life because you believe they are worth it.

my heart is so heavy these days. the burdens of the ones i love feel like a thousand pounds of shattered dreams. it used to be this weight was too much for me to carry. i was so easily crushed by the brokenness of others because i was suffocating under the weight of my own. from the depths of my soul, i have learned to love. to give it. to receive it. so, while the weight of their pain is great, and my heart aches for them, i am not drowning anymore. in my freedom, i remain steadfast. i have faith for them. tears for them. and i trust the Father and His heart for them. i will walk alongside and i will carry them as long as it takes. and i am not afraid. i have great hope and i will continue believing, because i know redemption is coming. and i know it will be good.

insomnia?

2011-10-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would spend hours watching movies or tv.

it used to be that when i couldn't sleep, i would eat.

it used to be.

over the course of the past seven months or so, i haven't been sleeping well. or as much as i would like to. or even as much as i feel like my body needs. i love sleeping. really, i do. but you know what's amazing? i'm surviving without it. i dare say i'm thriving. what's the difference? for me, when i wake up in the middle of the night - thinking i've slept all night and then realizing i've only slept for 2 hours - my eyes and my heart are almost immediately turned to Him. i usually ask Him why i'm awake. sometimes whatever dream i just woke from takes me immediately to intercession. sometimes i tell Him i love Him and roll over and go back to sleep. sometimes i cry. sometimes i pray. sometimes i worship. sometimes i read. sometimes i think. but i don't eat. and i don't spend hours watching movies or tv. even during normal hours of the day - the non-sleeping ones - these habits have changed. i have changed. i'm not eating all the time or making unhealthy food choices. i'm not watching hours upon hours of whatever on the internet. i love that in the midst of my sleep deprivation, i am still moving forward in health. i love even MORE that my gaze is toward Him, that my heart burns every single time He says my name, and that not even sleep - or the lack of it - can keep me from His heart.

what do you mean?

2011-09-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

tenacious: holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold; persistent; holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough.

i wasn't really sure what this word meant until august 28, 2011. it was written in a perfectly timed e-mail. i realized that i had spent most of my life making assumptions about it's meaning and given the weight of the message, i desperately needed to know what it meant. if you have tenacious friends in your life, you understand what an incredible gift they are. this is how i feel. i am deeply grateful for the tenacious and furious love of those who have walked beside me. those who have grieved with me, cheered for me, and believed for me when hope was distant. and this one friend could not have known how desperately i needed to read those words that day...or how the complete understanding of what they meant went straight into my heart and i could finally see truth for the first time in months. truth that was always present, but veiled by my own brokenness. the grace and kindness of the Father in giving me this friend...the redemption of so many broken relationships...is far greater and runs so much deeper than i can say. and tenacious? she definitely is. He is. and i am becoming.

to be loved

2011-06-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

.for He loves each one of us as though there were only one to love. ~ hannah hurnard

i cannot tell you how many times in the last three weeks i have felt His great love for me. i am not the only person on the planet, but the way He has cared for me lately has made me feel like i am. the beautiful thing about it is that He cares for each of us with as much kindness, gentleness, and extravagant grace as we can imagine. and He keeps doing it. for me. for you. for all.

if all He did was love me, that would be enough. but He does so much more. when i am angry, He lets me beat my fists against His chest. when i am sad, He lets me bury my head in His chest and cry for as long as i need to. and all the while, He is smiling at me and loving me to pieces. and when i say yes to whatever it is He's asking of me, His smile gets bigger and His love bursts out in greater measure. and that's when the extra special surprises happen. supernatural peace. a word of hope. supernatural joy. a promise. supernatural provision. and sometimes it's the thing i most wanted at a time i least expected it. today was one of those days.

i am learning to be grateful for the things He does instead of worrying or wishing for the things He has not. saying "thank you" for the way things are. hoping, sometimes asking them to change, but moving forward in thanksgiving for what i can see right in front of me. then BAM! out of nowhere He gives me what i have been asking for. i was holding onto hope for it, but i was not expecting it. in fact, my initial reaction was shock...which quickly dissolved into sobs of a deeply grateful heart. He has not forgotten me. He sees me. He loves me. and i am His favorite.

so many lyrics

2011-05-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

maybe because worship is what i was made for...maybe because of the season i'm in...maybe a little of both. i find myself overwhelmed by the hope and truth in the songs i've been hearing. the sounds of heaven, the words of the Father, breathing into my brokenness and filling every space with love.

below is a collage of lyrics that are speaking deeply to me as i walk through the darkness, led and held by the hand of a kind, gentle, and gracious Father.

**these songs can be found on grooveshark**

there will be no one like You, and no one beside You.

You alone are worthy of all praise.

~ i will exalt (bethel live's be lifted high)

it's rising, it's rising, a song of hope from us set free, it's rising

it's rising, it's rising up. hallelujah, to you God of the redeemed.

~ God of the redeemed (bethel live's be lifted high)

we have gathered, with one thirst and hunger

we're here to drink of Your glory and wonder

here to cry out, come and fill this place.

we wait for You to come and show Your glory here today.

we wait for You! Hallelujah come!

~ one thirst (bethel live's be lifted high)

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

~ one thing remains (bethel live's be lifted high)

His love is deep, His love is wide and it covers us.

His love is fierce, His love is strong it is furious.

His love is sweet, His love is wild and it's waking hearts to life.

~ furious (bethel live's be lifted high)

we're falling into deeper waters, calling out to You.

we're walking into deeper waters, going after You.

~ deep cries out (bethel live's be lifted high)

my hope is in You God

i am steadfast, i will not be moved

i'm anchored, never shaken

my hope is in You.

~ hope's anthem (bethel live's be lifted high)

with everything, with everything

we will shout for Your glory

with everything, with everything

we will shout forth Your praise

woah

~ with everything (hillsong)

holy are You God, holy is Your Name

with everything i've got

my heart will sing, how i love You.

~ beautiful exchange (hillsong)

** these songs can be found on iTunes**

don't leave your joy behind, no matter what you find.

~ don't leave your joy (chloe leavers)

fiercely goes the night, i will fear no thing.

i'll kneel down before the King.

i will make it through the woods and i will make it home.

even though there are many voices whispering in the night

even though this darkest darkness tries to steal my light

i will make it home, holding onto Your hand.

~ rhoist i'n oleuni (chloe leavers)

You really do take care of me.

You take off my heavy boots and You wear them for me.

~ heavy boots (chloe leavers)

Jesus, i belong to You

take my life, all my days

with open hands, i come to You

in my life, have Your way.

~ Jesus reign (josh fox)

the heavens declare the glory of the Lord

and we will proclaim 'forever we are Yours'

mighty is our God.

the heavens declare the glory of Your Name

and we will rejoice forever we will sing

mighty is our God.

~ mighty is our God (josh fox)

all things new

2011-05-21T22:25:00.001-07:00

hope and love change everything.

somewhere

2011-05-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

somewhere in all of this, you see me.

somewhere in all of this, you love me

but my heart is torn

and i don't understand

why such brokenness is part of your plan.

it burns so deep

i feel desperate to run

but somewhere in all of this, i know you are not done.

your healing is coming.

it's coming now.

you promised me freedom

though i can't see the "how"

you remain faithful

and relentless with love

you call out my name

and whisper "look up"

your patient hands hold me

while mine beat your chest

and in the deep space of brokenness

you come with sweet rest

i know i can trust you

though my heart is afraid

but somewhere in all of this, i know you are safe.

and so i step forward

with trembling feet

hoping that in the depths

our faces will meet.

that you'll bring complete healing

to all of my wounds

restoring my soul

making all things new

i break off the lies

and all of the fear

and ask that your voice

be all that i hear.

i am desperate for freedom

restoration and life

and somewhere in all of this, i know they are mine.

.found.

2011-03-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

have you seen Him?

my lover

so kind

so gentle

so good

my heart burns within me

unrelenting passion

for the one i love

more sweet

more beautiful

more safe

than i could ever imagine

my love swells from the depths of my soul

bursting

gushing

exploding out of my chest

and to think His love for me

is deeper

wider

longer

and higher

wrecks me

over

and over

and over again.

mathematical impossibilities

2011-02-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

one of my best friends is a mathematical genius. seriously. and i am not. but just for fun, i want to tell you about mathematical impossibilities. if you look at the numbers, my expenses exceed my income by nearly $250 every month. if you look at the numbers, it is mathematically impossible for me to pay my bills every month...and i can forget about doing anything extra. that's even with government assistance for food and a deferment on my school loans. all the math says it's impossible.

do you want to know something amazing? every month, i pay my bills. on time. once in awhile i do a small something extra. there is always enough. sometimes more than enough. do you know why? because nearly 18 months ago i said YES. God asked me to quit teaching full time and to trust Him to take care of me if i left the security of full-time employment (with benefits). He has never failed me. He gave me a job and then two. He gave me a place to live and then another. He has provided. that's amazing.

there are moments when i hear: it would have been so much easier if you'd stayed in the classroom. and sometimesi believe that lie. sometimes...like when i'm staring down a nearly $3100 tax bill...i question why i ever left. and in His grace, the Father reminds me why i did. because He asked me to. the truth is, i would do anything for Him. this past year and a half has been one of the most emotionally and spiritually challenging seasons in my life. i cannot think of another time where i have been so broken. but i would not trade it for anything. do you know why? because for the first time in my whole life i am FREE. completely free to be who i was made to be and to live the life i was created for. my freedom is everything. it is worth every tear. it is worth every heartache. it is worth every failure. saying YES was one of the scariest moments, but He has never let go and He keeps coming for me. it is so so good.

belonging

2010-10-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

it's a gift to be invited. to be welcomed. to be asked to participate.

why, then, do we waste it?

how long will we give away our joy because we'd rather believe a lie than the truth?

i feel angry and sad and sick to my stomach all at the same time.

i'm still working my way out of brokenness, but look forward to the day that i am on the other side and can see the beauty in even the most painful place.

know why?

because it means i will hold onto my joy for dear life and i won't waste the gift ever again. ever.

.summer.

2010-08-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

what took you so long?
with your warmth
and freedom
and light
stay awhile longer

a better picture

2010-06-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

it occurred to me today that i've been allowing outside influences or rather, other people's unrealistic expectations of me, to dictate my actions. it's kind of a long story, and not worth detailing, but the point is...i love people. all people. i dislike rude and mean people, but i love them. i love serving others and meeting their needs and i'm really good at it most of the time. i have bad days. i make mistakes. i'm human. buy i also have something that not everyone has. Christ in me...the Hope of Glory. and because of that, i can move forward even when i've messed up...and i can be better than i was yesterday or last week or whatever. i am not defined by my work or my service, but those things are part of the picture i give of The Father. and the picture i want people to see always, is Love and Grace. will i succeed 100% of the time? not even on my best day. but this new perspective is certainly going to help make things easier for me. and so will remembering this: i am awesome. i am loved. i am going to do great things. :)

go and bid!!

2010-06-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

if you haven't already heard via e-mail or facebook, the Rogers' passed court and are looking to travel to ethiopia later this month to bring their daughter home! :) it's an exciting time and in the midst of it all, we've been working on a final fundraiser to bring in the rest of the money they'll need to cover travel expenses. a team of incredible people spent several weeks soliciting donations from local...and not so local...businesses for an online auction. there are 70 items that were generously donated to this auction and i'm certain if you go and take a look, you'll find at least one item worth bidding on. what's great, though, is that if you don't want to bid on anything, there is a direct link on the site which allows you to donate (tax-deductible) to this incredible family!

if nothing else, i say go visit the site to have your mind blown by the generosity of so many people...many of whom have never even met the Rogers'! :)

the auction runs from now until june 13th so go now and start bidding!!
http://bringinglovehome.com

loves!

not quite like i planned

2010-04-22T17:10:00.001-07:00

so it turns out one can get out of shape way more quickly than one might realize. first run lasted all of 4 minutes. yikes. spent the next hour and 10 walking, so i'm still glad i went, but geez! i have got to get myself into shape if i think i'm running a half in september. :p

first run

2010-04-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

in a little more than one hour i will be taking my first run since the half marathon...nearly two months ago...
and i. can't. wait. :)

2010-04-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

day 3 of 9.
i can't keep up.
whose idea was this?
must pay more attention.
and be willing to say no.
balancing need feels more like a juggling act.
and so i try again.
because somewhere there is grace.
enough for one more day.
sleep.
breathe.
trust.

the results are in...

2010-04-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

I've been dying to write this blog post...and I have not had the time until now. I'm actually at the Balch Hotel right now...working...but Samantha was kind enough to put it on my list of "projects" for the evening! So now that our guests have their warm and gooey chocolate chip cookies, I'm free to sit and tell you the awesome news!

All the money is finally in, and I can tell you that I was able to raise $1400.00 for the Rogers' family adoption!! That is more than $100 per mile! I still tear up when I think about the people who contributed, some of whom I've never met and most of whom have never met the Rogers' family. I am blessed beyond words at your kind and generous hearts and I pray the Lord will bless you richly for your generosity.

It has been an amazing experience and I could not have done it without so many folks cheering me on...or without the incredible GRACE that God gave me to do something so completely outside of myself. I can't believe it's been almost a month since I completed my first half-marathon. Pretty amazing. I still feel so proud of myself for finishing, and my legs cannot wait to start running again! Seriously. Did I tell you? I'm planning to run another half in September. :) Yep. This is not a belated April fool's joke. It's totally going to happen :). You're welcome to keep up with me through this blog. I'll post about my training...and my life...from time to time...but for now, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! For loving, supporting, and praying for me and for the Rogers' family. We are all unbelievable grateful. :)

P.S. For those keeping tabs on the Rogers' through this blog, they have now moved up to #4 on the waiting list. A recent change in adoption regulations means they will have to take two trips to Ethiopia which has added an additional $4,600 to their expenses. Please pray for God's continued provision and go to: http://bringinglovehome.blogspot.com to read more about their journey. For you coffee drinkers out there, they have an online coffee storefront where you can purchase fabulous coffee and a portion of the proceeds goes toward their adoption expenses. :)

i can't wait to see your face

2010-03-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I did it. But I did. :) The experience was fantastic. The running, not my favorite...but you knew that anyway! I had to be on the bus at 4am...that's 1am in "the hood"...and when I got there, the line was super long. I met some wonderful ladies from a Ft. Lauderdale running/walking club. They were kind enough to let me tag along and two of them were in the same group I started with. There were soooooooooooo many women...and quite a few men as well...and most everyone was dressed in some kind of princess garb. Fireworks went off at the beginning of each running/walking group. The ladies from Ft. Lauderdale walked, but were sure to give me hugs before I ran away ;).
The run itself was harder than I expected it to be and I was thankful for the training I'd done in some of the hillier places. There were Disney characters positioned throughout the course which made for many photo opps along the way :) I decided that I wanted to enjoy the experience instead of worry about finishing in a certain amount of time...which was good since I'm a sucker for a photograph ;). I am unbelievably thankful for the prayers and encouragement of all my dear friends and family. My back only bothered me once which is a complete testament to your prayers for God's grace over me as I ran. I walked for a short time (less than .10 of a mile) somewhere between mile 10 and mile 11, because I was really tired. I was frustrated and I definitely felt like quitting. But in His mercy, Jesus came for me, as He always does and I was able to start running again. The last mile and a quarter felt like the longest mile and a quarter in my life, but I was definitely not willing to stop that close to the end. :)
So it's over. After some 3 hours 11 minutes and 17 seconds, I crossed the finish line. I feel so blessed to have made it to this point...and I'll be wearing my medal around for awhile ;). I ran the race and can't wait to get home to hug all the people who were praying for me...and if you're someone who prayed for me that I can't hug right away, know that I love you and am hugging you in my heart! I'll post an update from home with the final amount I'll be giving to the Rogers' for their adoption. I can tell you with certainty it's up to 4 figures :) and that...makes me very very excited!

one week

2010-02-28T20:08:00.000-08:00

seven days. well, eight, i suppose. if you're counting today. i can't believe it's nearly here. all the training. next sunday is the day that i run for the rogers'. 13.1 miles. a distance that three months ago i was very unsure i could do. now, a week away, i'm sure i can do it and that feels pretty exciting :). please pray for my back and knees to remain strong and for my overall health. there are a whole lot of germs making their way around and i'm doing my best to avoid them. wednesday i'll fly...but i already have butterflies, both the excited and nervous kind...and then i'll spend a couple of days getting used to the climate. looking forward to sun...maybe i'll get a tan ;)...and mostly just relaxing. all that time with Jesus will do me some serious good :).

2010-02-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

i ran 8 miles today. maintained a decent pace and the sun came out for a little bit...which was awesome :). and so begins the taper...

2010-02-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

12.02 miles. 2:43.20.
un.
be.
lievable.
i am overwhelmed at the goodness of God and His grace over my life.
i am sore. i am tired. but i am so full of love and gratitude for how far He has taken me.
twelve weeks ago, i could barely run 3 miles.
four weeks from today, i'll be at disneyworld...celebrating the completion of 13.1 miles...and...quite possibly...shortly after i return...i'll be celebrating the arrival of a sweet baby girl from the other side of the world.
i cannot contain my joy :)

please continue praying for me, for the rogers' and for their daughter. if you want to donate, please let me know! :)

2010-01-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

i forgot to post about my 9 mile run...and guess what? it's been long enough that i can happily tell you i ran 10 miles on Saturday :). it was a beautiful day...perfect temperature and only a few clouds...it may have even spit on me at one point, i can't really remember. normally i do my long run on sundays, but the weather was too good to pass up. good thing, too...because shortly after returning from our worship gathering yesterday, it started to sleet...and eventually turned to snow. that would have been one miserable 10 miles. i'm so glad God knew i'd need the sunshine on saturday and i'm so glad i actually had a free saturday to run! i finished in 2:17.29 which is a pretty good pace. i stopped twice to stretch my back because the repeated pounding of my legs onto the pavement made me feel like i was pushing my hips up into my back. the only probably with stopping when you're running 10 miles, is that when you start running again, your legs feel like lead. it probably wouldn't be so bad if i walked while i stretched, but the thing about this goal is that i don't want to walk even a step of those 13.1 miles. so i stop, stop my watch, stretch, then start running again. it may not be the most conventional way to run a long distance, but it's my distance to run and i'm the boss of me :) so, for now, that's how i'll do it if i decide i need to stop. the encouraging thing about my 10 miles, besides the fact that i actually ran all 10 miles, is that i maintained a pace of almost 30 seconds faster than when i ran my 9 mile race. helped me figure out some things about my body and how it relates to running. when i ran the 9, i was extremely tired before i even started because i hadn't had much sleep the 2 days prior. it also rained for the last probably 5 miles which just made me feel cold. and it was dark before i finished. i don't run in the dark. i don't like it. not at all. so, i figured out that i definitely need to be well-rested before attempting a run of any distance, but especially those longer ones...otherwise, i'm toast. :) on the agenda this week: a 3 mile, a couple of 4 milers, and 11 miles on sunday. sweet.

p.s. for those wondering...i still don't like running.

2010-01-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

8 MILES!!!!
i can't even believe it. :)
it took me a couple of hours for it to sink in once i'd finished.
i was in a daze...but i have so many encouragers in my life and they all helped me snap out of it :).
it's funny.
whenever i run on the road, i feel like i am going SOOOO slowly. i have a burst of "speed" - if you can call it that - every once in a while, and then i settle back into my pace. at the end of the run, when i press stop on my watch and finally have the energy in my brain to roughly calculate everything...i realize, i ran faster than i felt. then, when i punch it into my running log online and see the numbers in front of me...i am ALWAYS blown away at how fast i actually ran. bear in mind, i'm no olympian...but for an asthmatic, non-runner to maintain a pace of around 13.5min/mile over a distance of 8 miles...that's amazing.
that's God for you. :) making me laugh. meeting me on the road. and moving me forward. i'm starting to see the goal and it's not nearly as scary as i thought :).

i'm still light years away from getting all my funds raised, but i'm trying not to be discouraged because i know the money is out there and i know that God is going to move the right hearts to give...and i'm so excited to see how the givers get blessed for their generosity :)

p.s. bob and cheri are now #12 on the waiting list!! woot!

2010-01-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

i ran my fastest 3-miler yesterday :)
:36.05
tomorrow is 8 miles
sweet.

on the mend

2010-01-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

my back wasn't bothering me as much today, so I walked a little less than 4 miles. it wasn't the 7 mile run i was supposed to do, but it felt good to go and kind of feel things out a bit. tomorrow i'm going to try the elliptical and i'll hopefully be back to running on wednesday. God knows. i don't. but i trust Him completely no matter what.

postponed

2010-01-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

the first run of 2010 hasn't happened yet. yesterday, january 1st, 2010, i tweaked my back...whilst shoveling a bit of snow just before driving to the gym for a quick 3 miles. no run yesterday. maybe no 7 miles tomorrow. this is not good. probably i'll still be able to train, but i'll keep you posted. please pray.

longest run of 2009

2009-12-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

december 27th.
1:00 pm
belmont to country club
country club to post canyon
post canyon to frankton
frankton to may
may to 7th
6 miles.
1 hour.
21 minutes.
59 seconds.
it was hard
especially when about half of the time i was running into the wind.
and it was snowing.
pretty.
cold.
but i did it. jesus did it, really. now onto this week's training. :)

just keep running...

2009-12-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

i did it. 5 miles. 1 hour. 6 minutes. 15 seconds. it rained on me part-way through, so when i finished the 5 and started walking home, i got REALLY cold. but i didn't die. i wanted to quit. more than once. and i realized at one point that i will not be one of those people that loves running. i really am just doing this for a little girl. one whose face and name are not yet known to me, but she's in my heart. so for her...for the rogers whom i love dearly...i'll keep running...and i'll never stop being thankful that i am not running alone. HE is with me every step. HIS love is what compels me forward. most definitely.

4 down, 5 to go

2009-12-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

yesterday marked exactly one month since i officially started training for the half. crazy. i have been running for a month? on purpose? dude. who am i?? a runner, apparently ;). anyway. it's taken me a week to respond to my last post. some blogger i am. oh well, there's only like 1 person who reads this anyway...so sarah, thought you'd like to know that i managed to run 4 miles on the treadmill last sunday. i didn't die...i dare say it felt pretty good except for the couple of times my back started to hurt. tomorrow morning i'm attempting a 5-mile loopish. loopish? well, it's not a full loop, but it's exactly 5 miles thanks to logyourrun.com where i can trace routes and stuff :). anyway, i'm a little nervous. my ankles have been bothering me the last couple of days. running hasn't been a problem, but they've been sore and tender when i'm standing or walking or just sitting down. weird. i'm praying it goes away and doesn't affect me in the morning. i'm also praying my back doesn't hurt at all. it's aches and pains like this that remind me i'm not 15 years old anymore. thankfully, jesus is running every step with me :). i'll let you know how it goes!!

2009-12-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

so far, the running is good. i haven't frozen to death - although i ran outside the other day in the 20 something degree weather - and i've stayed injury free so far. i definitely prefer running outside rather than with Bub, but even i have limits. tomorrow morning i'm supposed to run 4 miles. something about that makes me nervous...maybe because i've never run 4 miles before...and maybe because the honest truth is that i still would much rather sleep in my warm cozy bed than drag myself out to go run 4 miles on a treadmill. but...if i don't keep running, the rogers don't get money and that is the only motivation i need. :) so goodnight...i'll let you know how the run goes!

p.s. for those who are wondering...$287 dollars has been donated :) only $2413 to go!! :)

2009-11-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

so here's the deal. i know i'm going to have up days and down days during this whole "training for a half-marathon" business...but let me just say...I HATE THE DOWN DAYS! i was supposed to run 4 miles today. i didn't. my legs were just too tired. i wasn't having trouble breathing...which is good...and i was loving the music in my ears...but my legs were just done.

i know i should be proud of how far i DID run...and i am...but there is this nagging feeling that i am never going to be able to finish a half-marathon in 3ish months when i can't even finish 4 miles. see. i told you i hate the down days.

seems to me that someone is trying to make me give up. but i won't. because someone BIGGER and STRONGER is going to run right next to me...He may even have to carry me a little, but He's going to make sure i finish. yep. i will finish :)

so NOT a runner

2009-11-17T00:16:00.000-08:00

"I will run...I will run this race...and I will do it all for LOVE. Your love compels me forward, your love controls my heart and I just cannot get away." ~ lyrics by Kristene Mueller

So...I'm running a half-marathon. For real. In March. Got my ticket. Got my registration. Started training. I'm really going to do this. WHAT?! yeah. crazy. Here are the details:

Race ~ Disney Princess Half-Marathon
Place ~ Walt Disney World...Orlando, FL
Date ~ March 7, 2010
Time ~ 6am...that's 3am for all of us left-coasters ;)
Reason ~ To raise money for my friends ~ The Rogers ~ who are on a waiting list to adopt a precious princess from an orphanage in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Pretty fun, right?! I'm asking for people to give me money...$500 of which I will use for my own expenses...and the rest of which will go to the Rogers before I leave for Orlando...to run 13.1 miles around DisneyWorld. :)

I'm blessed to have two awesome ladies joining me...one is an old friend from my summer at Cannon Beach Conference Center...the other is a new friend from one of my hotel jobs. We all live in different places so we won't be training together, but we've all started training and I know it's going to help me stay motivated.

There's definitely more to the story...I didn't just "get a wild hair" as my friend Sara says...but suffice it to say that God's got His hands all over this adventure and I can't wait to see what happens!

I'll be sharing more in the coming months...updating my progress from time to time...possibly complaining about the monotony of running on a treadmill...and definitely giving thanks for the treadmill as I watch the snow fall to the ground outside the gym window! :)

I went for my first run on that particular treadmill today - my 4th run since beginning last week - and all I can say is...I need to figure out how to program the darn thing so it doesn't stop after 20 minutes!! Now for some sleep :)

what it all means...

2009-11-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

how many times have you thought about your name...and what it really means? admittedly, i hadn't thought much about it...until a couple of days ago. my dear friend alicia did a "name study" on the meanings of the names of her immediate family. i was so intrigued by it, that i decided to do a little research on my name. i loved what i found and thought i'd share it on blog world :)

René ~ reborn

Leann ~ combination of Lee and Ann ~
Lee ~ sheltered from the storm
Ann ~ gracious

Lewis ~ famous warrior

hee hee...still makes me giddy inside...just thinking about my purpose and all that God has for me. :)

restoration

2009-10-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

so many things to write about...so little time. i sometimes wonder how uncovered i should be...but it's not really in my nature to be fake. and yet, there is a delicate balance between speaking my mind and speaking my heart. i think most people would be glad to know that the greatest percentage of the time i speak my heart. the words inside my head are not always kind and not often true. in the same way, some of the things i have believed for a long time - with my heart - may not be kind and they may not be true. it all makes me so thankful that God is here. to help. to sort out. to keep me from speaking. to move me to speak. i could do life without Him...i mean, people do it all the time...but why would i? how could i? my identity is completely wrapped up in Him and the things i believe about myself are the things i know He believes about me. i'd like to tell you the whole story, but it's long so i'll just tell you the ending...or rather the movement towards the ending, because i'm still in process :). God gave me my heart back. every piece that has fallen out along my 31 years of life. every broken relationship. every stinging word. He picks up each piece, no matter the size, and fuses it back to my heart. and each time, there isn't even a trace of where the hole once was. i have always felt love. i have always had joy. but it is so much bigger and greater. and now...i feel like i'm really stepping into my destiny.

flat on the floor

2009-09-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

so...i've been meaning to update my blog...but i got busy...then i got sick...then i got better...then i had a massive back spasm that sent me to the ER and i ended up sleeping for like 4 days...at least, it felt like 4 days straight of sleep because of the way those drugs knocked me out. sheesh. the story isn't really worth telling except for the part where the Lord began healing my back and He blessed me with friends who called or texted to check up on me...and one dear friend who brought me lunch and dinner the first day - the day i could barely get out of bed. in the midst of all the excitement/craziness i remember thinking how frustrated and mad i was that everything was messed up. not just my own plans, but also the way my injury was completely inconveniencing people at work. even still, at the end of every day, i was reminded of God's goodness. despite whatever pain i felt, i would eventually be fine. my pain...my injury...it would all go away. i'm now sitting in the office at work and i've worked a total of 28 hours in the last 3 days and most of it has been pain free. i was recently told by someone that they had a completely different impression of how i felt about my previous job than how i actually felt about it and i realized that there must be something inside of my brain that somehow glosses over all the good stuff when i'm venting to certain people about the not-so-great stuff. i'm working on changing that...so that whenever i'm relaying information to people about my life, i'm giving a more balanced picture...maybe even tipping the scales to the more positive as much as i can...so what's the point? why did i take you on this little rabbit trail? because even when life was pretty sucky being stuck in bed and sleeping so much, there were always things to be thankful for. even when i was flat on the floor, i was thankful i could move my legs enough to push myself into the other room to get my phone to call for help. when i was laying in bed, i was thankful the sun was shining and i could look out at blue sky and green trees. when i was bummed about not being able to swim across the lake, i was thankful to be at the lake celebrating my friend swimming across. when i felt bad that i couldn't work, i was thankful there were others who could work in my place...and even more thankful that each day in bed brought be closer to working again. God is soooooo good and i'm finding the more i reflect on His goodness, the more i see the good things He's doing. i am really really spoiled and i'm pretty sure it's because i'm His favorite :)...and i bet, if you start looking for His goodness, you'll find you're His favorite too ;)

happy birthday to meeeeeeee!

2009-09-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

today i am 31 :) most people think i'm 18. hahaha. that's fun. it has been a peaceful, restful, wonderful day filled with sweet surprises, lots of hugs (my favorite), and tons of laughter with people who are so dear to me...and some sweet time of worship with my Jesus. these are the things i treasure. i am so loved. days like today are the ones i put in my quiver so that when the enemy comes - because he will - i can pull this day out and shoot it straight to the heart of every lie he speaks about my worth. even if i had no friends, i am still so loved by God...but i have friends. wonderful. amazing. loving friends. who are so kind and generous. the love they pour on me is an overflow of the Father's love for them and a tangible reminder of His love for me. and it is so good. in this, the 31st year of my life, i have one desire: to be wholly His. i want to worship Him with every breath and become who i was meant to be...holding nothing back...and being held back by nothing. i don't want my life to be the same...and i have a feeling it won't be. ever again. yay :)

take it all in

2009-09-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

i'm here. finally. new room. new address. my friends are just as amazing as they have always been. surrounding me with love. inviting me over for dinner and i really can't believe i'm here. it only took me two minutes to get to the worship service this morning. unbelievable. i realized this morning that i have never in my life lived so close to church. but really that isn't the biggest blessing. it's being in community. i am so spoiled to live near so many dear friends. i hope i never take it for granted. everything leading me to this place has been the Lord. it feels like i've come home again...and i am so thankful.

shredded

2009-08-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

i've spent time the last several days (well, the ones where i've actually been home) going through piles - literally - of paper. some from school...but most of it, i'm embarrassed to admit is just junk mail that i never bothered to toss out when it came. i have years worth of junk mail taking up precious space in my bedroom and it's driving me crazy. thankfully, several years ago, my parents came to visit me when i was still living in california. my mom helped me go through a bunch of stuff and get rid of it. the problem for me is that i get attached to things. why? who knows. and the other problem is that i someone convinced myself it was easier to throw it into a box or a bin instead of recycling or shredding it. well...i'm done with that. i've been planning - for over a year now - to go through what's left of my paper past and clear it all out. when i moved into this house last year, i had done a bit of down-sizing...but then i got busy...and lazy ;)...and all of my good intentions didn't mean squat because i still had all these boxes of papers. ugh. let me be clear. i am a neat freak to the core and if anyone ever visits, they will find my bedroom, closet and bathroom squeaky clean. the bedroom just has "organized piles" of papers. well, i've definitely had enough. i've had all summer to work on this project (well, most of it anyway) and it's nearly the end of august. the furniture is going into storage on thursday and i'm moving out on monday. the time is now. the neat-freak inside is breathing a sigh of relief and probably squealing with glee as each pile disappears and one more box is emptied. how lovely it will be when all i take to my storage until are boxes of books/dvds/cds and household items instead of another year's worth of paper. i've built momentum...i just hope it holds all the way through. i work all day tomorrow, all day saturday, and all day sunday. that gives me 3 - count them, THREE days to shred and recycle as much as possible and get the rest of my things out of the house. i'm ready. let's see what happens :)

twice upon an august

2009-08-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

every year it's a different experience...and i dare say it just keeps getting better.
girls camp was hard because there were some campers who just really didn't want to be there and didn't want to participate. as a worshipper all i could think was how much they are missing out on...because worshipping through song is totally my favorite. i loved leading them in worship because despite their best attempts at being a distraction, those girls didn't stop the rest of them from singing with their hearts to Jesus and it was beautiful. :) during girls camp, God gave me some really great lessons in grace. i'd love to say i showed grace all the time, but let's be real - i failed more than once. in the end, though, i came away loving those girls even more and with a deeper burning in my heart to see their lives made whole...and ultimately for them to know the depth of the Father's love for them.

boys camp was so good. :) except for the yellow jackets. i really have some serious anxiety and it was heightened by about a million as they were just out of control and EVERYWHERE. God proved himself as protector as there were only a few stings/bites the whole weekend and most of those happened to staff, not campers. worship was a completely different experience for me at boys camp. perhaps because of my own angst as a middle/high schooler...and the fact that i was pretty sure all boys disliked me...i experienced a bit of fear over whether i should lead them in certain songs (because maybe they were too "girly"). hahaha. so funny. the Lord kept saying just sing to me. the first morning, there was a boy in tears over the words of one of the songs we sang. the Lord was whispering to his heart in that moment and reminding that young boy that he was not alone and that God loved him so deeply. the next morning, the assistant director decided we would brave the outdoor amphitheater - bees and all - for worship and teaching time. i was not pleased...in fact...it would be fair to say that i was freaking out. i tried really hard not to cry and as the bees were buzzing around me, it was all i could do to keep singing and playing. i was so distracted. during the last song, a bee nearly landed on my lips. not good. i swatted it away, finished the song while trying to keep my composure, and then practically ran up the hill to the safety of the garage to eat breakfast. then i lost it. i felt like i had ruined worship because i was so internally anxious and distracted by the stupid bees. the same boy who was in tears the day before had come up to the garage for some coffee and he came over and said, "You sing good." :) i thanked him. later that day, he told me the same thing and one of the staff members also came to me and thanked me for leading worship because, "nobody else could do what you do." i think i probably laughed at God because i knew every wrong note i'd played...every crack in my voice...every moment where i could barely sing because i was so afraid...and God used it. all of it. the last morning, i woke up grumpy. i was getting irritated right and left by silly little things and i felt super impatient and frustrated. there was no reason for it, aside from a lack of sleep...but even that isn't a reason to be a grouch. worship was down at the amphitheater again, but because they had sprayed the night before, the bees seemed to be a little less active...and yet i'm certain i was more distracted than ever. it was this strange flip-flop between feeling totally connected with God and totally disconnected in the next moment. i left feeling like it was the worst worship set i'd ever led and i felt like i had failed to bring Jesus to those boys. i was wrong. again. a couple of different people told me it was the best worship they'd had all weekend?!

my prayer in worship has always been: let me be so tapped into your heart that when the song comes, it ushers your presence into the atmosphere and lives are transformed.

i am so thankful that in spite of our shortcomings, God uses us to accomplish what He wants and i am certain i had nothing to do with what happened over the course of the weekend, aside from showing up and desiring to participate. i once heard someone say that God is going to do whatever He is going to do, with or without us. what i was reminded of this weekend is that he doesn't need us...but he wants us...and oh how he loves us...junk and all.

a flood

2009-08-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

i feel overwhelmed...humbled...and so very thankful. today has been filled with confirmation that God never ever lets go...especially when we leap out in faith. i have no doubt His plans are for my good. here's what He gave me today:

* housing + utilities for the very price i told my mom (over the weekend) would be the highest i felt i could go just on rent. not only that...it's in town and close to several of my favorite people :).
* a guitar - i've been borrowing my roommate's since february and tonight she told me she wants me to take it with me when i go...and just this morning i had mentioned to my mom that i was going to ask if i could either keep or buy it before i go.

I feel like I'm standing under a waterfall of favor because God has heard the whispers of my heart and He just keeps saying yes

the pace quickens...

2009-08-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

goodnight! a lot can happen in 11 days...that's how long it's been since i last blogged. lots of folks have been asking me what's next and i've been so busy doing what's next that i have barely had time to breathe...let alone blog about it. i've never been good at telling a short story...i always think i need to include all the details because the story might not be as good without them. if you like short stories...you should probably read a different blog :). so...camp happened...girls camp...and it was full of joy and drama and so many reminders that grace is for everyone. i got stretched and it was good. plus, pretty much my whole family was there and that was my favorite :). after camp i had a day to sleep - hee hee...which i really like - before starting a crazy work week. for those who have missed all the times i've mentioned it before, i'm working at a fabulous historic hotel in a sleepy little town called Dufur. my friends own and run The Balch Hotel and i am blessed to be working for them part-time. i do mostly front desk types of things, but i also help with laundry which means i go up and down 55 stairs multiple times a day :) - i am going to have the best looking legs EVER...ha! - and i also help with whatever needs to be done. it's such a fun job...and my favorite part really is interacting with all of the guests who come through the hotel. chatting with them about where they're from and getting to share some of my own story. the commute isn't ideal - 2 hours from here to there - but sitting on the couch in the hallway between the dining room and the lobby, i just keep thinking how blessed i am to have this job at all. so...i've worked nearly every day this week and even though i'm tired, i get excited knowing i'll be back again on tuesday. and speaking of tuesday...i have a second interview with a hotel in hood river that is going to be re-opening. the columbia gorge hotel is a historic hotel that had to close because the owners could no longer afford to keep it open. the hotel holds a very special place in my heart and every time i would drive by on my way to work (here at the Balch) i would wish for it to be open again. two friends e-mailed me last week and told me that the hotel was going to re-open and one of them mentioned a job fair that was going to be held last Thursday. i went and interviewed with a great woman who wanted me to meet the head of hiring for the department i'd applied for (front desk)...but he was busy. she went and talked to him, came back and said - well, they're just going to take my word for it and they'll call you next week - i left excited at the thought of working at both hotels and was even more excited when i was called the next day for a second interview! :) i'm praying that i'll be able to continue working here for Jeff and Samantha and still work close to full-time at the other hotel. so...there's a lot going on and it's all soooo good. God knows what He's doing all the time and i'm understanding more and more that if i just keep trusting and believing His promises, He will not let me go. ever. please keep praying for my job stuff and also for housing. there are a couple of possibilities in the works...and i'm still moving at the end of the month. i'll try to post again tuesday night...yay!

just as i thought...

2009-08-05T01:13:00.001-07:00

you know those times when you know what's about to happen? you expect it. you try to prepare yourself so you'll have the most positive outlook afterward. then it happens...and you still end up being sad/disappointed. that sucks. i didn't get the job at Horizon. i wasn't surprised...i sensed the "no" coming...and i still found myself sad. if i'm honest, i'll say it scares me. the idea of not having a full-time job and only one more paycheck from my last one. in some ways, i'm more prepared for unemployment than some people...i have a tiny bit in savings...i started a part-time job a couple of weeks ago...and i am making arrangements to be able to sub for awhile. my mom recently reminded me that this is the point where the "rubber meets the road"...where i really choose to trust and believe...or where i give up. i'm not going to give up. i will run the race He's marked out for me...even if running isn't always the most comfortable.

new motivation

2009-08-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

i went to the doctor today. i don't particularly like going to the doctor for a check-up, but my insurance is running out soon and i figured i should cash in on $5.00 co-pays in every way possible...health...teeth...perscriptions...and all that good stuff. anyway, we were talking about my overall health and how i'm working on getting fit. i've always been afraid to talk to doctors about that sort of thing because surely they would think i was a fat, unhealthy mess. this conversation was different, though. i was talking through things with her and she said that i should definitely just keep going forward with what i have planned because it all sounds exactly perfect. she did some number crunching and as it turns out, the goal weight i've always had in mind is exactly what she said would be a healthy weight for me based on my height and my athletic frame. she dismissed the words of a college girl who once told me i could be a size 6 if i "really wanted to be." she said that i am really healthy and that losing the extra pounds will only increase that healthiness. she ended the appointment by telling me that i look great! this is a woman who is tall and slender and probably doesn't need to lose any weight...telling me that i am healthy and i look great?! i'll take it...and treasure it :)

more leaping...

2009-08-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

i gave notice at my house last night. i'm moving out at the end of the month. i love it here...my room...my house...my girls. but i had to leap again. if i'm really honest, it scares me - the unknown of how everything will fall into place - but it's exciting. it's fabulous knowing that i have the support of my family and friends. i feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. i giggle at the reaction of people who think i'm totally crazy...because maybe...just maybe...we all need a little more craziness in our lives. a thought recently came to me: the easy button does not exist - if it did, we'd have no need of faith. so, as much as i'm going to miss these girls...it's time to go. i have a feeling this leaping thing is becoming a habit. goody :)

the waiting

2009-07-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

when i quit my job at washington, i had little idea what was next. i knew i was going to finish the year with joy and to the very best of my ability. i knew i would go to worship school for 3 and half weeks in redding. after that, only God knew. i can't explain it very well and there may be some who have less than favorable opinions toward me now, but it just doesn't matter...because it isn't about them. the decisions i've made over the last 5 months have been carefully prayed over. i have sought counsel from those in my life whom i consider to be both wise and honest. every step of the way i have asked God what He wanted and i have been open to whatever He asked. this is certainly no exception. without going into every detail, these past two months have been an incredible journey with Jesus. my mind has been stretched and my heart has been awakened to the depth and breadth of God's love for me. He has given me a greater understanding of my identity as His daughter and He has given me an overwhelming peace about the unknown. i love that i have no idea the shape my life is going to take. He has increased my passion for worship by about a gazillion :) and in the midst of reminding me that my dreams have not been forgotten, He has given me glimpses of new dreams...or perhaps a new perspective on the dreams that have been hidden inside my heart for a long time. either way, it's been so fun.

i applied for a teaching job last week...at a christian school...in my hometown. i doubt anyone was more surprised than me because 3 months ago i would have laughed at the very thought. i thought i was supposed to leave teaching...perhaps for good. i never wanted to move back to my hometown. i never felt called to teach in christian school. what a difference a surrendered heart makes. i've questioned whether i should teach again...doubted myself...but i really believe God is leading me on this. i get more excited about it with each passing minute. my stomach has been doing flip-flops since just before my interview yesterday. the reason i'm so excited? this may be the very beginning of pursuing a hidden dream that has exploded in my heart over the past few weeks. i know He'll make His way clear and i'm not worried about it. i felt like i faced one of those "doubters" yesterday and it intimidated me...but only for a moment...because the Lord was quick to remind me that He's been in control from the very beginning and all i have to do is trust and be obedient. whether i get the job or not, i know i've been faithful and He'll honor that...because He loves me. for those who wonder, i'm still dreaming in worship...i'm planning to do an online worship school this fall and trusting God's timing for the release and revelation of the shape it's all going to take. the fun part about being on this adventure in God is the unknown of it all, because it allows me to grow deeper in love and in faith. it is so SO good :)

caught

2009-07-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

today has been an amazing testimony of His perfect timing. my parents have had their house on the market since december. it's now the end of july. several people have seen the house, but noone had made an offer...yet. i went for a walk with my mom on sunday and she told me that my parents would be flying up to alaska to meet with a property management company to talk about renting the house out since it hasn't sold yet and is just sitting there empty. we have all been praying and believing that God has a perfect plan and a perfect time for the house to be sold. yesterday, my parents received an offer! a CASH offer and the buyers wanted to close by the end of the month! we were thrilled, but the offer was low. my parents did some number crunching and countered this morning. the realtor seemed confident the buyers would accept my parents' counter-offer. the buyers countered back. my parents asked the realtor to go back with the same price they had countered with earlier in the morning and state it was the FIRM price on the house. waiting. then, the realtor called my mom and said the woman was coming over in the afternoon to sign my parents' final offer!!! WHAT?! yep. sold. they close on the house at the end of next week. a house that has been on the market for 7 months gets sold in less than 24 hours...and that isn't even the best part. my mom had been thinking earlier in the week about this trip to alaska...knowing it would be her last...and feeling slightly disappointed that this trip wouldn't be to close on their house. but look what God did! not only is the house finally going to sell, but my mom gets to sign the papers while she's in Alaska. how completely perfect and awesome is God's timing?! i feel caught in a flood of His blessing for this (and other things which i'll blog about later) and it's incredible. oh how He loves.

unexpected

2009-07-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

do you ever wonder if He just smiles?
He does.
i don't think i ever imagined my dreams taking these turns, but there is something really thrilling about the unknown of it all.
i'm entertaining ideas i never thought i would...and maybe that's the point.
stretching.
growing.
becoming who i was meant to be.
i don't think it ever takes the shape we think it will. and when the dust settles, i am always so glad His imagination is bigger than my own.

2009-07-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

swirling.
swelling.
anticipating.
anxious.
overwhelmed.
confused.
the bubble is gone.
what now?
for half a second, i forgot.
so many roads
leading so many places
maybe right
maybe not
but i can't forget
i won't forget
this isn't just my adventure
it's ours
i can't wait to see where we're going
surprise me
i trust you. always.

must...have...water

2009-06-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

these last couple of weeks have reminded me of one of the reasons i did not like living in san jose. heat. i don't like it. at all. granted, san jose heat was nothing compared to redding which is nothing compared to arizona - um...ew - but being here in this 100+ degree heat has once again reminded me why i love home. sure, the rain gets old after awhile. sure, i'd like it to be sunny and 70 pretty much year-round. but seriously, this heat is ridiculous. i was watching the news tonight and almost jumped for joy when they said tomorrow would be a cool 95. 95?!!?! since when is that COOL? well, bring it on. 95 degrees, i welcome you with open arms...a fan...and a fully functioning air conditioner in my car! :)

confrontation

2009-06-29T19:47:00.001-07:00

scary word. at least for me. i always think it means something bad. today i was reminded why it can be GOOD. confrontation doesn't have to be angry or hateful. it really can be as simple as checking in to make sure everyone is on the same page. relationships are more important to me than i can explain, and as a result, I've become more confrontational over the last couple of years. there comes a point where i always realize i need to say something...and it's usually after i sense there is something wrong. today was one of those days. i've been sitting on it for a week. this yucky icky feeling that everything wasn't okay. i'm never sure how to approach situations like these because i don't want to stir up drama. i'm also never really sure what to say. i think i might spend too much time overthinking what to say, instead of just being like, "hey, is everything okay? did i do something to offend you?" a couple of months ago i heard this incredible message about offense and it has really stuck with me because i don't want to be a person who is easily offended. let's face it. i'm a pretty sensitive gal. i used to think it was a flaw in my character...but what i realize is that my sensitivity is one of the things that makes me who i am. it's part of the reason i'm so compassionate. so...what it comes down to is that i have to get over myself and my fears and confront when i think it's necessary. so i did it. i walked up and politely asked if we could talk. i tried in the most careful way to talk through how i was feeling and it was received really well. in fact, it turns out we both were thinking the same thing about the other person. we both were under the impression that the other person was brushing us off...needed their space...and that we had somehow offended them. the funny thing is...neither of us had been offended and neither one of us was angry or needed space. i had to work hard not to laugh about the whole situation because i could see how ridiculous and how clearly the enemy had twisted our actions and our thoughts around to make us believe exactly the opposite of how we actually felt. and then it hit me. relationship is one of the ways the enemy tries to get at me. today a wall came crashing down and i am SO glad! it's just more confirmation to me that i have to guard my relationships closely and not be afraid to be who i am...and that sometimes, that means having the hard conversations - confronting in love - and asking for God's grace to bring restoration. today was a good day! :)

if you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at me :)

2009-06-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just have to laugh at my own insanity. most of the time, i'm pretty cool. i think that even though i'm a kid at heart, i definitely act like a grown up...most of the time. and then, just when you least expect it...BAM! i am seriously the biggest weirdo on the planet. tonight after the last session - which was really awesome, by the way - kayla and i decided to go grab a quick bite at In-N-Out. i actually had eaten there at dinner time, but since it was now nearly 11pm, I was definitely hungry again...and i LOVE those grilled cheese sandwiches ;). so...i'm waiting for my food while kayla orders and i look over and see the speaker from this week's conference sitting at the table with 3 other people (who i'm certain are part of Bethel's staff). i totally stared at him with my mouth wide open and then pointed at him. if that wasn't bad enough, i walked over to the table and started talking. i said, "there's something i've been wanting to say to you and i thought that if i ever got a chance, i have to tell you..." then i proceeded to tell him what i had hoped would be an encouraging word. now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, except i'm pretty sure he thought i was a freak. good thing i wasn't wearing my name-tag otherwise, he'd know that i'm not just here for the weekend! hahahaha. i haven't been that embarrassed in a while and even though i'm partly glad i said something, the other part of me is just shaking her head...laughing at her own dorkiness. :)

slaying the giants

2009-06-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

so anyone who asks me is going to hear me say the same thing: God's presence is so completely over this place it's ridiculous. yeah. ridiculous. i love it! :) haha! it's really impossible for me to write everything that happens...i'm still processing so much of it because we get SO MUCH every day. i've only been here a week but it feels like longer. so, today was an awesome day. for real. during the morning session, Ray Hughes was talking to us about David. He was going through the story of David and Goliath and talking about what David brought to the battle. He brought a worshipping heart. God chose David because his heart was completely devoted to worshipping God and God used David to cut the head off of a giant, which then opened up doors for other people to be who they were created to be because they were no longer living in fear of this giant. a giant who had been screaming lies and hate over them for 40 days. a giant who was standing in opposition to God and God's purposes. Ray was relating the story to our lives as worshippers and how there are giants that stand in opposition to the fullfillment of God's purposes in our lives - our destiny in God. then, as a prophetic act, Ray had us stand up and picture in our minds the giants that are standing in our way...the giants we know by name because they've been screaming lies and hate over us for a season. i didn't have just one giant. i had a line of them. one behind the other and i couldn't see how far back the line went, but i saw three very clearly and their names were on their helmets. their faces were dark and angry and they looked at me as if to say, "there is no way you will take us out because if one of us falls, there are more of us behind to take the place of the fallen." next, ray had us hold up our arms as if we had a sling and we were to swing our arm around and make the sound of a sling - which, by the way 200+ people making the sound of a sling is REALLY awesome - and on the count of 3 we were to let the stone fly out of the sling. as we let go we were to give a shout while the stone implanted the heads of the giants and made them fall. i was a little afraid because the giants i was staring down were big and ugly, but i did it anyway. i don't know how many stones were actually inside my sling but it didn't matter because when the stone hit the first giant they all crumbled to the ground like an imploding building and they lay there, dead...their heads crushed and they were nothing but rubble. as the dust settled i could see an opening that i knew was my destiny. i couldn't see what it was, but i just knew i was supposed to walk into it. then, ray had everyone close their eyes and make the sound of rain. it represented the cleansing rain that was coming to wash off the dust of the slain giants so that no part of them would remain in our lives. it was such an awesome moment. at first the rain was quiet and then we just got louder and louder and there was so much freedom. i'm going to keep claiming that freedom because those giants are dead and gone and i am walking - scratch that - running straight into my destiny!! woohoo!!! :)

infinite possibilities

2009-06-22T01:54:00.001-07:00

i should be in bed. i'm tired. sort of. but my head is spinning in about a million different directions. i got a new idea tonight and i'm praying about it. wondering if maybe it's the direction God has for me. a funny thing happens when you quit your job without knowing what's next. the possibilities seem endless. so there's lots to pray about. i'm thankful that God already knows the answer and that He will give it to me at exactly the right moment. being open to anything, i'm just going to keep pursuing Him and praying about every idea...and maybe asking Him for another burning bush ;) if you're reading...please keep praying. i need it. i can't get enough of it...and i am so thankful for it.

highlights and lessons from week 1:

2009-06-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

* worship - amazing. anointed. after 2 days of getting in my own way...distracted by thinking too much about what's going on around me or what people might be thinking about me...He showed me that all that matters to Him is that i bring all of myself. because in those moments, where He has all of me, that's when He speaks.

* teaching - brian & jenn, bill, andrew, & jeremy. how do you process so much wisdom? and how do i keep from being too intimidated to ask questions? i finally had the courage to go up and talk to andrew after his teaching session. as i was talking to him, i realized that that's why they are all there. to impart their wisdom and to answer our questions. you know what happened? he listened. like, REALLY listened. not just to what i was saying, but also to what God was saying and then he shared it with me and then he prayed over me. i was a mess, but it was a beautiful moment.

* classes - went to band session today and gained some good stuff from how other people were being critiqued. my favorite part was the way that every word spoken was delivered in love for the purpose of building, strengthening, and encouraging each person. so good. oh, and i got a bit of one-on-one "instruction" from ian macintosh on keys. insane. he's 8 years younger than me and has such an incredible gift. i can't wait to learn more from him.

* songs - after andrew prayed for me, it was time for another main session and during the session we were making journals. our task was to take magazines and cut or tear out pictures and/or words that stood out to us in some way. kathy said that as we worked we might start to see a theme emerging in the words or the pictures or both. as i was putting the pieces together and placing them onto the notebook cover it began to take shape. then, as i was gluing them on, God brought me a song. what?!? it wasn't even the end of the second day! this morning i played it and worked out some of the lyrics and the chords. i found out that the songwriting classes are going to be times for people to share songs they've written and brian is going to critique them...tearing them apart and helping put them back together. oh my gravy! i have never been in a season of life where i would be comfortable sharing my songs so people can tear them apart. until now. jeremy was talking about that in the main session today during q & a. in answer to someone's question, jeremy said that we should be sharing the songs we're writing with a community so that we learn whether it is for us or for the corporate body...and also so that we can make changes that the songs might need that we wouldn't necessarily hear on our own. i remember thinking, "i so want to share my songs because i want them to be perfected and i want to know if they are for other people...but who can i share them with?" thanks GOD for opening a door for me to lay my songs out before people who understand worship so much better than i do and who will help me work out the kinks with grace and love. i am so excited! woot!

* friends - canada...the first friend i made is from canada and will be moving to portland to attend bible college in the fall. awesome. then, yesterday, as i was sitting on the floor eating my lunch, hannah came of and invited me to sit at their table. she has such a sweet and loving spirit. i ended up sitting at a table with girls from far away: virginia, indiana, wisconsin, singapore & australia! incredible. there was also a girl from california and one other girl who i still don't know where she's from. but they are wonderful. we played frisbee in the hot, hot, sun and today we all ate lunch together. i'll be carpooling with kayla - from wisconsin - because she needs a ride and i have a car and it turns out she's staying only about a mile from me. coincidenc? i think not. :)

* age - i seriously had no idea how young some of the Bethel crew was. i expected there would be quite a lot of young 20 somethings...but holy cow. there are kids here who are 16, 17, 18...and they are SO talented. the first day, jenn talked a lot about every person being a piece of the puzzle and that we can't disqualify ourselves for any reason because God has a purpose for each of us. i have struggled so much with that over these past three days because i keep thinking "I am so old...maybe i'm too old to be here...i can't play/sing like that." this is exactly the kind of stuff that i have to stop saying because ME is who God wants...30 years old...in love with Jesus...worshipper...me. jenn said, "be you. be real. be uncovered." i am learning how to be uncovered and to just keep being myself. it becomes easier when i turn those doubts into praise for who God has made me, how He's gifted me, and for the ways He has gifted others...because it keeps the enemy from gaining ground in my life. fear goes. self-doubt goes. and as it all gets stripped away, i step further into my destiny...and i can't wait!

first-day jitters

2009-06-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

first day = good...stressful...tiring...and confusing. the stress was mainly caused by stuff at the apartment which is under control for the time being. the tiring and confusing parts were related to the schedules at school which were not well-planned because they're trying something new this year. great. i love being part of the "guinea pig" group ;).

so...a little known fact about me: though i'm a pretty big butterfly - in the social sense - large groups of people make me clam up like a stuffed moose. 274 worshippers all together in the same room is both amazing and intimidating all at the same time...and what i realized today is that in order to experience the presence of God the way i really want to...the way i think He wants me to...i have to get out of my own way. i was so distracted today. worried about what other people might think about me...and wanting to be fully present with Jesus the way that others seemed to be. jenn said something really important today: "the world needs you to be you. people can't be who they are completely, unless you are completely you. be you, be real, be uncovered." what i know is that i can't be who i am completely unless i learn how to just sit and soak in God's presence without being distracted by myself or others. bill asked everyone to consider the question: "are you a worshipper when noone is watching?" i'd say that i am...sometimes. what i'm here for...to learn to be a worshipper all the time...especially when noone is watching. as jenn put it - "to lean into God in every spontaneous moment where he tugs on my heart." because you know what'll happen then? i'll be in His presence and in those moments He will begin to show me more of who i am in Him and how He wants me to use my giftings for His glory...and that will be so completely amazing. that's all i want...to be in the very center of His dreams for my life.

and so it begins

2009-06-16T21:14:00.001-07:00

this morning didn't go the way i planned. i left the house a little late and i had a couple of errands to run before leaving town. while pulling up to jamba juice my car looked somewhat lop-sided in the store window...not good. thankfully, les schwab was just around the corner so i took my car there and asked of they could check it out. the very nice lady told me it would be an hour to an hour and a half before they could get to it. begin waterworks. called my mom and she reminded me that it would all work out. 30 minutes later, i was back in the car with one last stop...which turned into two...the second stop being my sister's house for a perfectly timed goodbye hug - she was on her way back to work after feeding Elijah - and some last-minute snuggles from my sweet baby nephew...something i won't get for 3 and a half weeks. my mom was right :). finally got on the road @ 11:30. two quick stops...5 hours and 15 minutes later...i'm here...in the cottage that will be my home for the next 3 and a half weeks. it's super cute and totally perfect. i probably won't unpack until tomorrow because my neat-freak self won't put clothes in a drawer i haven't cleaned myself. or wait, is that OCD? either way, unpacking will have to wait. i still have no idea what's in store for me these next 24 days...but i believe i am exactly where i'm supposed to be and i'm getting butterflies just thinking about all that God might want to teach me.

2009-05-27T22:53:00.001-07:00

this has been a frustrating couple of days. too many people trying to tell me what to do...how to live...i said i was willing to do whatever needed to be done. and now that the decisions have been made, i realize how much i shouldn't have said that...but it's the way i am. i say i'll do whatever needs to be done - because on some level i really want to help people out - and then when i realize what needs to be done isn't what i want - which i sometimes don't realize until it becomes what i must do - i'm stuck doing it anyway. then i wonder...what about what i want? does that even matter? grrrr.

i am so restless it isn't even funny. i want to go...but i don't know where...and i don't know how...but i want to go. and then everyone with their opinions about how i should wait because "what would you do instead?" or "but you're so good at that" and i hear their voices getting louder and louder. as the opinions swell inside my head, i feel overwhelmed and all i want is to hear HIS voice and be unafraid to move forward...and without the fear of being rejected when i go. i'm ready for change. something new...and if this is my something new, i have once again failed at being completely willing and i need an attitude adjustment. i keep thinking there's a transition ahead. a big one. like something life-changing is about to happen...but maybe this is it. it doesn't seem that big to me, except that it's different than what i've done before...but it's still the same place and doing the same thing which is why it doesn't feel life-changing. i'm so confused.

Jesus, help. Make my heart chase after your dreams and open my eyes to see what I may just be missing because I've wanted my own dreams for so long. I know you love me. I know your plans are good. I want to recognize them and be excited about them, even if they look different that what I wanted.

2009-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure what HE is up to
and there's some fear in that
but i have to be honest...
i want to GO
and everyday
there's a little less fear
and a lot more of me
wanting to GO
i have no idea WHERE
i have no idea WHEN
i have no idea HOW
i'm not even sure WHAT
but i know WHY...
and everyday
i'm a little more ready
and i can't wait to GO

stop

2008-09-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

stop telling me i'm not good enough
stop looking at me like i'm crazy
stop treating me like i'm stupid
stop it
stop making promises you can't keep
stop forgetting about me
stop flirting if you don't mean it
stop saying i need more
stop it
stop lying to me
stop talking about me behind my back
stop trying to make me feel insignificant
stop feeling sorry for me
stop it. stop it. stop it.

i know who i am
i know WHOSE i am
and He wins.

becoming who i was meant to be

2008-08-04T22:03:00.001-07:00

i had a conversation today that hit me so hard i'm still trying to catch my breath. she was reading my mind...my heart...and she didn't even know it. or maybe she did. one of the things that amazes me about God is the way He uses other people to speak into our lives. her words came at the perfect time, and i didn't even realize until she said them that it was exactly what i needed in that moment. this moment. and in the moments to come. i get so caught up in being concerned about other peoples' opinions - their "measuring sticks" - and stuck on my own as well...that i forget that God is pleased with me. "until you KNOW that you are who and what He wants, it will waste your time and delay the release of what He has for you." who i am is enough for Him. why can't it be enough for me? whatever the answer, i'm about to let go of all the sticks i use to measure myself and my abilities. i'm about to ignore the sticks others use to measure me. i'm about to drown myself in the truth of who i am...HIS...so that i can become who i was meant to be...and be released into what i was created for.

all filled up

2008-07-26T23:10:00.001-07:00

there's A LOT going on right now. mostly i don't have time to think very long or process what i'm thinking. i feel very upside down. but today was a good day. know why? i spent the entire day up at camp (save for the drive there and back) doing the training before camp starts in a couple of weeks. the day was LONG and tiring, but i left feeling so full. i feel honored to be part of making a dream into a reality. blessed to be hand-picked for a job that i feel completely inadequate for...at the same time knowing that my weakness is something God can use for his glory. but mostly, i am so incredibly thankful for people who are committed to making a difference in the lives of children. these children. abused. neglected. abandoned. kids whose circumstances have begun to define them...and we have a chance to speak into their lives...showing them that their circumstances DO NOT define them. showing them what LOVE, RESPECT, & TRUST really look like. we're not doing an altar call or sharing a "4 spiritual laws" tract with them. but we ARE investing in their lives. we ARE building relationships. we WILL show them Jesus through our actions and our words...and we'll pray they meet him here...and we WILL love them. just as they are, because that is exactly the way we are loved.

random thoughts

2008-05-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

i love my MOM. she's the best mom in the world. i love that no matter how old my mom gets, she will ALWAYS point me to Jesus...and she'll always be seeking Him first. my dad is that way too. i am so thankful for that :)

i'm lonely. i miss my friends. making new ones...or even re-connecting with "old" ones...hasn't been very easy this time around. i'm not ungrateful for the blessings i've received - in BUCKETLOADS - or the amazing goodness of God. i'm mindful that He's with me and His plans for me are good and perfect and that me being HERE...NOW...is part of that. but i'm still lonely. and i miss the ocean.

i love clean houses...and while i actually live in an apartment, i still think of it as my house because it's where i live...and i love that it is clean.

God has an amazing way of moving me into new seasons of my life with such gentleness...all the while, shifting my perspective until it looks more like His. I'm not who I was. I don't want the same things anymore. My deepest heart desires remain, but beyond that, everything has changed...and the amazing part is, I'm good with it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is completely God.

where is the music?

2008-04-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

i can hear it
slowly fading away
but trying hard
to fight
screaming for an outlet
finding none
a glimmer of hope
then reality
it can't be
not now
maybe not ever
or perhaps just not in the way i imagine
i find myself
letting go
again
wanting
wishing
hoping
BELIEVING
that God in His infinite perfection
understands
loves
KNOWS
and will be my outlet
always
and what i desire most
is to know
to really know
that HE is enough

fighting flesh

2008-04-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

why is it so easy to want to change and yet so hard to actually do it? i have come so far in claiming victory over sin in my life, and there is always another temptation thrown in my face. i struggle with the fact that there is ever even an argument in my own head as to why i should choose sin over freedom. i clearly had a way out and what did i do? i gave in! does it mean i'm back where i started? no, but it certainly makes me feel like a wretched waste of God's time. i often wonder how long the Lord will offer me a way out...how many times He'll forgive me before His grace runs out...and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be fully free. my heart cries out - LORD FORGIVE ME! I NEED YOU! I CANNOT FIGHT THIS FIGHT ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU EVERY MINUTE...TO STAND WITH ME AND BRING ME INTO COMPLETE FREEDOM. and in my heart, i know He hears and with new hope, i step forward, believing His desire for my freedom is even greater than my own. i sinned. i chose to bow to temptation instead of running from it. it was a moment of weakness that i will one day have to give an account for but it does not erase all that God has done. i am not my sin and i will not let it rule me. i am a beloved daughter of the King. a sinner saved by grace. purified. loved. accepted. and free.

kids

2008-04-13T16:24:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of conversations that will stay with me forever:

Contextualizing the conversation: I was playing a Josh Groban CD for my students)

Me: Don't you just love his voice? I love his voice. I could MARRY him.
Girl: EWWWW!
Me: *quizical* Why is that gross? He's not married. I can marry him.
Girl: *Scrunches nose and shakes head*
Me: I can't marry him?
Girl: No. You can't get married.
Me: I can't get married?
Girl: No.
Me: Why can't I get married?
Girl: Because.
Me: Because, why?
Girl: Because *pauses to think* because you're not old enough to get married!
*This girl has just earned herself a spot on the "teacher's favorites " list.*

Contextualizing the conversation: I was working with a small group of students, helping them put together a "book" where they had to place a picture of a hen onto their page according to the preposition in the sentence (i.e.; across, around, under, etc.).

Me: So, where should we put Rosie?
Students: *pointing to the edge of the pond* Here!
Me: That's right. Can we put Rosie in the water?
Students: No!
Me: Who was in the water?
Students: The fox!
Me: That's right. Okay, go ahead and put Rosie onto your page.
Boy: *walks over with a sly grin and whispers* Teacher!
Me: What?
Boy: Teacher! I'm gonna poop Rosie in the water!
Me: *trying my best not to laugh* You're going to POOP Rosie?
Boy: *smiles, slaps himself in the head* no. i mean poot.
and then we all just started laughing for a good solid minute. yep. my students are hilarious :)

from mushy brains

2008-04-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

these last few days have been beautiful. sunny. warm. almost everything i miss about california...except the beach. i still definitely miss the beach.

i was going to take a little nap this afternoon - i still might - because i've been so tired lately. teaching all week + coaching 3 days + training 3 days = one super tired girl...and that doesn't even count whatever i do after work and swim practice. sheesh. i need to find some equilibrium somewhere. do you know where i can buy that?

i love being part of a s.o.t. class...even though i have to leave early every week...it's good that they record each class because then i can catch the last 15 minutes during the week.

i met a man who looked like he could be the long lost twin brother of my friend aaron. it was very weird. not weird bad, just weird.

i like typing in lowercase letters. it most likely has to do with the fact that all week long i teach kids how to write "well" and so when it's my turn to write, i like to just type and not think about whether my sentence started with a capital letter or that my "i's" were capitalized whenever they were "standing alone." someone once told me they thought i was angry because i sent an e-mail that didn't have any capital letters or punctuation, which i thought was funny...because in my own mind, if i were angry, my e-mails might look more like THIS.

i'm falling asleep while typing. this is not a good sign. i need a nap, for sure.

i'm taking kevin up on his recommendation to read john 14-17 in one sitting for an entire week. i'm going to go start right now...who knows, maybe it will inspire more blogging since i've been absent for awhile.

i will carry you to Jesus

2008-03-17T00:26:00.001-07:00

i should be sleeping. but i can't yet. there's so much to do. so much to say. and yet i'm not sure i feel like blurting it out yet. it's amazing how quickly life can change. there are so many people in my life right now who are going through HARD stuff. sickness...miscarriages...financial struggles...and a baby's uncertain future. i really wish i had a magic wand right now. i'd make the sickness go away. i'd fix the broken heart of the woman who so desperately wants to be a mother, but has lost her baby...twice. i'd give money for the vehicle, the ministry, the cause. i'd make sure that baby's lungs developed completely and move her organs into the right place so that she LIVES and so that her parents don't have to worry if she'll even take her first breath. my heart BURNS for the broken and i feel so powerless. so i weep. i weep and i pray for God to break through. these things are too big for me, but God is bigger. so i pray, knowing fully that God's answer may be different than what i want, but knowing He will answer and it will be good. i love that i get to carry them to Jesus...and i love that He's going to hold them every step of the way.

11 years is a long time

2008-02-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

heart pouding. stomach churning. head spinning. emotions i haven't felt in a long time...about 11 years, actually. i still can't believe i did it...but i'm glad i did...at least...i think i'm glad. somewhere between joining the team and finally getting into a regular practice schedule, i decided to race again. i'm in better shape than i have been, but definitely not in the kind of shape i was in 11 years ago. competing against myself is easier than trying to compete against kids half my age, but honestly, it's just as scary. it's constantly reminding myself that i'm not going to be as fast as i was 11 years ago and it's giving myself permission to be who i am now. i did my best. i survived. i even placed in a couple of my events. i'll probably race again...because despite how frustrating it is to get killed by kids half my age...it was kind of fun getting in there again. i'm not as young as used to be...my body has been reminding me of that since yesterday...but i'm pretty sure i'm addicted. :)

the messes we make

2008-01-04T21:33:00.001-08:00

Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly feel like everything went horribly wrong and you're not really sure how you got to that place, but you wish you could rewind and fix wherever the problem started? I've had a few of those recently. Miscommunication is...I suppose...part of the human condition. Something messy. Something painful. Something unavoidable. Being a "people pleaser" by nature, I just want everyone to be happy all the time...so I don't like miscommunication...ESPECIALLY if I'm the one who didn't communicate well and end up hurting people in the process. UGH. People who know me well, know that my love and friendship are REAL and DEEP and SO LOYAL...but even that doesn't keep me from being a crappy human sometimes. I honestly don't know that much could have been done differently in these most recent situations...more time...clearer communication on all sides...and I am really great at over-analyzing and beating myself up about things, so I may be freaking out over nothing...but when relationships get damaged because of something I did - whether I meant to or not - it really sucks. I've apologized...from the deepest places of my heart...but I don't know if that's enough...and I hate that.

unbelievably unexpected

2007-12-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

thursday night. driving home from a LATE night at work. exhausted from a LONG week. went to the mailbox...just like i do every day after work. an unexpected envelope from someone who loves me. an earthly expression of a God who loves me infinitely more than i could ever deserve. the contents? a check to cover the cost of a ticket to california during my christmas break. tears. so many tears. an unbelievable and undeserved gift that leaves me speechless and humble at the feet of God.

uncomfortable comfort

2007-11-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

So, I've been assessing whether I can go back to California during my Christmas vacation. On the one hand, I long to see familiar faces...sit in familiar spaces...and be wrapped in more love than I deserve. On the other hand, I've been prayerfully working toward getting out of debt for a long time now and I find myself standing on the edge of a cliff...wondering...wanting...wishing...and yet knowing. Last year was a time of financial freedom I had never experienced, but it came at an emotional price I wasn't prepared for...and even though it is difficult to be disciplined in my spending habits, I wouldn't trade the uncomfortable comfort of being where I am right now for the pricey freedom I experienced last year. I know God will provide...He already has, in more ways than I deserve...and I know that just as I keep walking in faith, we'll get there. He'll do it...in His time...in the most perfect way possible. I'll bet Yosemite is beautiful in the Spring...

learning to love again

2007-10-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

moving. it's this crazy thing that often brings out so many emotions you'd never expect. i've been away from "home" for nearly two months. there have been many things that have made this transition easier than i expected...being a familiar place, re-connecting with familiar faces, loving my kids from the moment i met them...but it's been hard at the same time. i don't know if that part will ever really go away. leaving is ALWAYS hard for me. maybe it's because i love SO deeply...and it doesn't take very long for me to get there either. i had a conversation with a parent of a student the other day and he was concerned because his daughter was having a really hard time, emotionally. in the short span of a month, she's started kindergarten, the family has moved to a new house, and they had to give their dog away because their yard isn't big enough for a dog. her dad was concerned because his sweet little girl seems to be taking things really hard. i reassured him that she'll bounce back by telling him about all the times i've moved in my life and that, eventually, i was okay...in fact eventually i fell in love with wherever i was. this whole conversation got me thinking about the process i go through whenever i move. honestly, it takes me about a year before i'm willing to put down solid roots...because i'm afraid i'll just move away again...it's this funny thing because i love people so quickly and yet when i first move somewhere i put up this wall because i get scared i'll have to say goodbye to really amazing people before i've really had a chance to know them. then i think about my job. teaching is like that, you can pretty much guarantee you'll only teach each group for a year (well, 9 months really). that's all you have. i don't hold back with them. i can love those kids from the second i lay eyes on them and that love lasts FOREVER. so i've made a decision...scary as it may be. all i have is right now...this moment...the people who are in my life - whether you're HERE or THERE -...and i'm going to treasure it...because that's what love is really about. treasuring the time we have RIGHT NOW...because we've never been promised more than that.

french fries

2007-09-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

We've been learning about apples in my Kindergarten class. We've had lots of conversations about how there are different kinds of apples and I have asked the kids to tell me which color of apples is their favorite kind. One day, while coloring an apple booklet, a girl came up to me and said....
"Teacher, I like all three colors of apples."
"Really?"
"Uh huh. I like green apples because they're sour. I like yellow apples because they're super good. I like red apples because they taste like french fries."
I looked at her in amazement and asked, "Red apples taste like french fries?"
Without cracking a smile she said, "Yep. To me they do."

Hmmm...maybe I should eat more Red apples...

Exhale

2007-09-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

July seems so far away now. I was getting ready for the move...excited and scared...holding my breath until life started to become normal again...whatever that means. Today is my sissy's birthday. As I was thinking about what to write in her card, I realized that I am really glad to be here to celebrate with her today, not because I'm visiting, but because this is where I LIVE now. There's still so much going on inside of me...missing friends...trying to make sense of all that is new about a place I once called home...but today I'm thankful that I can finally exhale a bit of what I've been holding onto since July. I don't know if I feel "normal" yet, but I feel like God is just asking me to be here and to find Him in the midst of it...and I am.

Happy Birthday, Mana ;)

every moment

2007-07-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

it's official. i'm moving. to oregon. weird. i should be happy. i AM happy...but today there was sadness. sadness because i realized just how much i'm going to miss this place. the love. the feeling of family. ugh. i HATE goodbyes. how all of this came about was such a complete and total GOD thing...so i KNOW it's going to be good...but my heart is still torn within me. excited about the people i'll get to see again - it's been a long time - and aching because i have to let go. it's not that we won't still be friends...but it will be different...it's ALWAYS different. leaving home. coming here. finding home...only to leave again. this place, the people, so much love...something i will treasure always...but now it's time for a new adventure. i hope i find home again...and i hope they won't forget me...because i CAN'T forget them...or this.

PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!

2007-06-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

well, it's done. for now. i've just finished answering 7 of the most difficult essay questions EVER. i'd like to say they were for that paper i'm supposed to be writing...the one that's due June 15th, but no. they were for a job application. tomorrow is mailing day. i'm sending off 5 application packets that represent 17 different positions i've applied for. 15 in washington, 2 in oregon. that's right. i said oregon and washington. the end of may came and went without any hits from santa cruz county, so i expanded the search to include oregon and washington. now, whoever picks me first WINS.

i used to know EXACTLY what i wanted. i mean, it was simple. i wanted to be in santa cruz. now, i don't know what i want, except that i want to be where GOD wants me. there are pros and cons to every place i've applied and i change my mind DAILY. today i shared with some very dear people that i might not be at vintage faith after this month. that was NOT my favorite...lots of tears on my part...but totally expected since vf has been my family and my home for the last 3 years. the cool part was how much love i felt from the people i talked to. it was just another awesome reminder of the way that God provided for me in a place i wasn't too excited about to begin with (sorry California folk ;) ). but that's not really the point of this blog.

the point is this: i need your prayers. there is so much going on with me right now, with the end of the school year only 2 weeks (9 school days) away, that paper that i REALLY need to write, moving out of my classroom, saying goodbye to the people i've worked with for the last 5 years, oh yeah...and moving at the end of the month to a destination yet unknown. WHEW! it's kind of a lot to deal with...and those of you who know me well, know my tendency to breathe it all in at once instead of taking it one step at a time. so if you have some time, please pray for me. pray that i will keep focused, that i will listen and allow God to direct my steps each day, and that i will continue to trust in His good, pleasing, and perfect will. thank you, in advance, for your prayers and i look forward to sharing with you who picked me and where God is taking me next! :)

toxic

2007-05-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

i want to help
i offer it and i am pushed aside
everything within me screams - PLEASE LET ME HELP!
they just sit there
acting like i wouldn't be any help
and i wonder why i bother at all
they spend so much time being angry
they forget i have something to offer
they forget that i have so much love
for them...for ALL of them
life is different than it was
but it doesn't make me love them less
or blind and callous to their need
please let me help...what are you so afraid of?

popsicles anyone?

2007-05-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

well, here is some amazing news...especially if you haven't heard yet! :)

I wanted to let you know that God has answered your prayers with a huge YESSSSS! :) Mom was able to drink the sweet stuff before her CT Scan without too much of a problem and my parents met with her doctor at 4pm. Her CT Scan was totally clear!!! :) All of her bloodwork looked good and her white blood cell count is totally back to normal!!! :) So, she scheduled her 3 month check-up and in my mom's words, "We're blowin' this popsicle stand!" Thank you, again and again and again for your faithful prayers!!!!!!

Please do pray that everything goes smoothly with her port removal on Monday (and subsequent recovery), that the rest of my mom's body would get back to "normal," and also for the move back to Alaska. Mom, Dad, Cindy, Jeremy, and I are all going to Canada at the end of next week to help get a camp ready for the summer session of campers - and for some family time - and it looks like we have lots more to celebrate! :) WA-HOOOO!!! God is good...so, SO good and He is faithful always!

Love,
René

more than i can say

2007-05-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i blogged. maybe i've been subconsciously waiting because i don't have BIG news to share yet...and maybe i've just been feeling like i don't have much to say. who knows...but i DO have some fun news. i got a piano yesterday! i'm so beyond excited that i can't even explain. it's not a steinway baby grand or anything, but it's mine and it was free. my friend brynn gave it to me...because she's rad and she had to find a new home for it. i think she was sad to see it go - she's had it since she was 4 - but i think she's really glad she gave it to me, because she loves me and she knows i'll take good care of it. i wonder if God feels like that sometimes...like He wants to give us something because He knows that not only will we be blown away by the blessing, but we will take really good care of it.

a precious baby girl

2007-04-04T00:32:00.001-07:00

She's here

She's beautiful

She's perfect

Brooklyn Grace was born on March 29, 2007. Her mommy is one of my dearest friends and I am SO blessed to be an "Auntie" to Brooklyn and her big brother Aiden. I went to visit Stef and Brooklyn in the hospital on Friday and I was there when Aiden met "Bookins" for the very first time. I've seen A LOT of really cute things in my life - I'm around kids a lot...it happens - but I have never had my heart MELT the way it did when Aiden saw his baby sister and tried to feed her crackers...or when he said "Mommy, HOME!" because he just wanted Stef and Brooklyn to go home with him that very minute. Love is easy for kids...and it's so perfect and pure and completely heart-melting. That was SUCH a beautiful day.

why does it happen?

2007-02-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

been thinking today...thinking about how much different my relationships are now than even a year ago. people i thought i'd be close to are just gone. poof. like they weren't ever a part of my life. i have photographs and memories to prove they were there...and yet there's a space in my heart that hurts a little every time i see one of those pictures or remember one of those memories. maybe i loved them too much. maybe i didn't love them enough. clearly, we've all moved forward. i'm certainly in a better place, with better boundaries...and maybe that was the point. to learn to have better boundaries, better safeguards for my heart. in moments like this one, i think - why can't we be friends? and then i'm reminded of why i don't really want that...that God is bigger than even the smallest twinge of "missing you" that i might feel...and that change can hurt...but it's good. REAL good.

procrastination = blogging

2007-01-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

so here's a funny story. i started writing this really long blog about how i've been procrastinating writing these two papers that i need to have finished by January 31st. it was a really great blog. i was just about finished and somehow accidentally pushed the wrong keys and poof! witty, humorous blog deleted. guess that's what i get for procrastinating. maybe i ought to get to those papers now. ugh.

(re)new

2007-01-15T00:18:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I posted anything...maybe I feel like I haven't had much to say...or maybe I've been talking so much lately that I'm all "said" out. Either way, this post isn't going to be long. My church community - Vintage Faith Church - is doing an experiment of sorts as we go through our next series. It's called (re)new: the messy mysterious process of transformation. What they've decided to do is create a blog that people can write on during the worship gathering, or whenever. It's basically a forum for people to write about how they want to see God transform their lives and the process we all go through as God begins to do that work in us. I think it's a cool way for people to mentally process the spiritual process that's taking place in their lives...and the best part is that anyone can participate. I'm excited to see how it turns out! You can check it out at: www.renewtogether.blogspot.com
If you want to comment, please be respectful to the readers and writers of the blog. Thanks...and I'll try to post again soon!

i can finally breathe again

2006-11-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

"There comes a moment each day when we must simply drop what weighs on us and hand it over to God." - Christoph Blumhardt (19th Century Pastor)

Today is one of those times. These past couple of weeks I have simly been "gettng by." It's not really in my nature to be sad or blue or maybe the word is melancholy and honestly, I have SO much to be thankful for. Even with my mom's cancer I have seen God's faithfulness. She's feeling good and God is providing for my parents...and yet, there is a sadness that I feel. I can't pinpoint the source...but I've been sitting here in the brickhouse for the past couple of hours and I've been tapping into THE SOURCE. Reading different passages of scripture and trying to unload all that I've been feeling. Thank goodness my relationship with Jesus isn't based on feelings because my feelings would say I'm not doing very well...but whenever people have asked me how I'm doing...I've been saying that I'm good...which I am...I love teaching, I have a place to live, I just got back from spending Thanksgiving with my awesome sister and her amazing husband...so what's the deal? Why the sadness...blue-ness...unsettled feeling? I was at a wedding yesterday, watching two people that I love begin a new and beautiful season as husband and wife. I LOVE weddings...especially when God wrote the story...and even then, when there is so much to be joyful about, I was feeling kind of off...maybe it was just being tired from my stupid-early (that's really early for those who don't like the word stupid) flight back from Oregon...but there is a restlessness inside of me that I cannot explain. Today in our worship gathering I could barely sing...ME...for whom singing is one of my greatest joys and most favorite ways to worship Jesus...I was nearly silent...and oh the tears that wouldn't stop. God was meeting me in those moments...reminding me that the joys, struggles, and hurts over these past months have all had purpose in teaching me to trust Jesus more than ever and in making me realize that I really am weak without His strength. Right now, in this moment, I feel hopeful that as I drop the things that weigh so heavily on me...God will take them. We sang a song this morning - okay, well I didn't really sing it, but I was screaming it inside my head and my heart.

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for finding me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for healing me
Thank you for saving me

God, thank you that you love, find, hear, heal, and save me every day...even when I feel like the world is spinning way to fast and I want to get off the ride. You are good, your love endures forever, and I will put my hope in you.

are you kidding?

2006-10-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

that's how i feel today. how is it that God allows me to be a part of something so AMAZING? what did i ever do to deserve the blessings He pours out on me? seriously, i can't even begin to fathom the love He has for me, but i am SO thankful. the reason for this gushing of my heart? i got to sing with two fox's, a box, and a gem. i have to say that there is pretty much nothing on earth that brings me more joy than singing with those guys. helping create a space for people to experience Jesus through music is my most favorite way to worship Him. i am humbled that God has given music to me as a tool to minister to others and i pray that i NEVER take it for granted and that i NEVER forget that it is NOT ABOUT ME. i am thankful that God chose me, a filthy sinner, because i made myself available. i didn't have to do anything but open myself up to being used by Him. if you know me, you know that my heart burns with passion for music ministry and every month, i get the opportunity to share that passion with some of the most gifted musicians i've ever known...not to mention some really Godly men...and all i can say is i feel totally unworthy, but seriously blessed. thank you JESUS that you let me worship you like that.

i thought it was monday

2006-10-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking it was Monday and I was late for work. It was not the best way to start my day and I pretty much had a bummer of a day after that. I didn't do my bible study this morning - always a bad thing, in my experience - and even though I saw some fabulous friends at church and got to spend time worshipping with other people who love the heck out of Jesus...I still had a bad day. Don't you hate that? It wasn't even like one big thing happened...just a lot of little things that sort of picked away at my already fragile heart and my overstimulated brain and POOF! I was a mess. I went for a walk and got to talk to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that I should just go home and spend some time with Jesus. Did I do it? No. I came home and wasted about 2 & 1/2 hours watching t.v. and only about 1/2 hour of it was worthwhile (caught the last 1/2 hour of extreme makeover home edition...LOVE IT!). I was going to go to bed at 10:30ish and remembered I hadn't followed my mom's advice. So, I decided to do my bible study and you know what...my day would have been much different if I had done that earlier. My mom is so smart...I should listen to her all the time. Now it's really late...nearly midnight...and I have 20 1st graders who need me to get my rest. Days like today are definitely not my favorite but they remind me why I need Jesus so much. I'm a wreck without Him.

how am I?

2006-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

I've had some people e-mail me recently and ask how I am. I don't really know how to answer the question. Everyone who has asked me, has been someone who has prayed for me and is currently praying for my family as we navigate the unknowns of my mom's colon cancer. So, how I am? I'm fine. I feel like my life is a bit surreal right now, but I'm fine. Sometimes it's scary, but knowing that God is completely in control and there is nothing I can do but pray and trust Him, helps me not be so scared. I have been blessed with an amazing relationship with my parents and I love them so much...but that's part of what makes this process easier for me. I know that my mom knows that I love her a thousand times more than I can explain...and I know that she loves me that much too. The other part that makes it easier is my FAITH. I don't know how people who don't know Jesus deal with crisis...I would be lost without Him, and I feel that way under normal circumstances. So, how am I really? I'm good. I'm blessed. I'm thankful for all I've been given and I won't waste this time being worried. I want to use the time I've been giving to be all God has made me to be...yep. I'm good. :)

what i don't quite get

2006-10-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a study right now - Beth Moore's, Believing God - and there's something that's been puzzling me of late. One of the things she talked about a couple weeks back was the idea of transgression vs. sin. What I love about this study is that Beth always gives the original definitions...the Greek or the Hebrew...which help me to understand what these words mean. I mean, wouldn't you think that transgression and sin meant the same thing? What I learned is that the word transgression generally means sin that is pre-meditated and willful. In other words, sinning on purpose just because I want to. Sin, on the other hand, is generally referring to sin in general and usually what is not done with a rebellious spirit. So here's where I'm puzzled...
Psalm 32:5 - Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
How crazy is it that my sins...even the ones that are pre-meditated and willfully done...are covered by the blood of Christ? I cannot understand how God has the patience or the heart for that. It boggles my mind that God would love me enough to willingly forgive me when I confess everything to Him...especially when He knows I'm going to do it again. Unbelievable...and yet what an amazing gift I've been given. I get to choose daily to walk a blameless life. Not perfect, just making the choice to stay away from pre-meditated sin. I'm going to sin, but I don't have to plan out how I'm going to do it...and if I make the choice to sin "because I want to" I'm thankful that God will forgive me when I truly acknowledge that sin and don't try to hide it from Him. And yet, sometimes I wonder, how many times will He forgive me before He decides He's had enough. I pray I never get to that point.

material girl?

2006-10-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

So, I've been having some recent wonderings. Money has been a hot topic lately, perhaps because I'm working really hard at paying off my debt, and I think I'm just sort of processing some things I've heard recently. "I was working in a job that payed very little, wondering if the grass was really greener on the other side, and it was." I find that I am completely baffled by this comment, maybe more so because it came from another believer. I really get confused and frustrated by comments like these because I can't understand how people who are already blessed with so much (because we live in a country where we are free to openly worship God) are so desperate for more. Of course, when I say more, I don't mean more of God. As a culture, we're clearly not desperate for Him. We're desperate for more stuff...probably because we think it will satisfy the space in our lives that was meant for Jesus, but I digress. I fall into it too and it's something that I've been asking God to change in me. My perspective is so much different than it used to be. I don't want more money so I can get stuff for myself...I want more money so I can help more people. I have seen, read, and heard - from friends who've been there - about so much injustice, suffering, & poverty in the world, that all I want to do is help those people and yet I sit in my house, on my really cozy bed, with more clothes than I would ever wear and a laptop computer that I bought last year when my desktop conked out. I'm not saying that it's bad to have stuff, I'm just really tired of how incredibly materialistic our culture has become...me included...and I think that it's good to re-evaluate where our money is going and to really try to put things into perspective. I mean, we can't take any of that STUFF with us, but investing in lives...investing in relationships...those are treasures worth pursuing.

joining the "masses"

2006-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am so often amazed at all that God has done in my life and I love sharing that with other people. I have LOTS of funny stories to share from my classroom...1st graders are a SO fun! That's the reason for this blog. I feel kinda like I've jumped on the blogging bandwagon, but I'm strangely okay with being part of the blogging craze. Maybe it's because I've always felt more freedom expressing myself on paper...or in this case, in cyberspace...because I can't be interrupted. I can say everything I'm thinking and you have to listen...or read, I guess. You can't comment until you've read ALL of it...and I like that. If only conversations were more like that...less commenting, more listening...yeah. So, this is the first of what I hope will be regular postings about my life, my crazy job, and how God is driving everything that I do. ENJOY :)